Caribbean Christmas

 A few silly photos from this year's Caribbean Christmas, according to my iPhone:

 Goof balls in Santa hats:)

Our sweet little Christmas tree!

Presents!

Oh Christmas tree...

Festive ferry dock

The car got in on the Santa hat action!

My sexy Santa

Surfing on Christmas Day

The waves weren't very big, but they were fun!

Pretty palm trees

 Cruz Bay Christmas tree

Love & Happiness

Everything I am feeling these days said much more eloquently than I ever could:

Love is the beauty of the soul.

-St Augustine

Happiness depends upon ourselves.

-Aristotle

In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.

-Janos Arany

The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us.

-Ashley Montagu

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

-George Sand

Gratitude is one of the sweet shortcuts to finding peace of mind and happiness inside. No matter what is going on outside of us, there's always something we could be grateful for.

- Barry Neil Kaufman

Love one another and you will be happy; it is as simple and as difficult as that.

-Michael Leunig

What is the meaning of life? To be happy and useful.

- Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama

There is no remedy for love but to love more.

-Henry David Thoreau

No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.

- Barbara de Angelis

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

- Robert Heinlein

Friday Mind Musings

* I feel like December just started, and already it's 2 DAYS until Christmas!!!!! How did that happen?! I swear my life is flying by right before my eyes! But I've finished my shopping and all my Christmas cards went out, everything is wrapped, and we've been baking like crazy so I'm feeling pretty accomplished as far as Christmas spirit goes!

* My laptop is broken, AGAIN. I hate Gateway with a passion, and I will never, never, never, EVER buy an Acer product again. This makes 7 repairs on a laptop that's under 2 years old. So very frustrated...

* Sky got me a new engagement ring! To make a long story short we found out through a jeweler that blue topaz (the stone in my first e-ring) isn't suitable for everyday wear. So when we found that out I was a little sad and disappointed, but then Sky pointed out that it means I can have more than one ring, since they suggested I rotate it with another ring! And now I love the idea of having more than one ring! The second ring is a white topaz solitaire, and I love it! Yay for sparkly things:)

* The island seems to be so cold lately! And I should clarify that it seems cold to those of us with island blood now! It got down to the low 70s the other night and people on island were walking around in sweats and jeans and jackets and long sleeves (including me!). It was hilarious! And if you think I'm joking that people were calling it "cold" you can ask anyone who lives here how the weather has been lately and see what words they use to describe it!

* I'm currently reading The Radleys by Matt Haig. It's about vampires, although I didn't know that when I picked it up. But so far (about 100 pages in) it's funny and dark and takes a slightly different view of vampires than the norm. Very interesting!

* Not having access to my bank down here has got to be one of the most frustrating things about living here. It takes way too much time and effort to do business with Wells Fargo from St John. But the alternative is banking locally, which for many reasons I just won't do.

* Christmas and Hanukkah music has been playing non-stop in our home, much to Sky's chagrin. But we only listen to it once a year for 3 weeks, so really I'm going to keep playing holiday music until Christmas is here, and maybe even until New Year's! I just can't get enough!

* I am one slacker of a bride. Less than 9 months until the wedding and Save the Dates are still not out! Ahhhh! I need a kick in the pants, or maybe just some inspiration. It seems like every time I decide on a detail of the wedding, I change my mind! The joys of indecision!

I hope everyone is having a wonderful day! Happy Friday, Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!

A Pill for Everything

The amount of medication I'm currently on is weighing on my mind! I'm not against modern medicine at all, but I have always tried to limit how much I take, including anything over the counter. If there's a natural way to fix a health issue I try to go to that first, unless it's serious enough for a doctor's visit. But this last year has seen me take more pills than I'm sure I've taken in the last 10 years combined. I've been on Zoloft for a little over a year now for my depression and anxiety. And while it's working well, one of the side effects is that I'm unable to sleep unless I take something, so that's two Benadryl every evening. Another side effect is headaches, which bother me to the point where I'm also taking OTC pain relief several times a week. And I'm on daily oral contraceptives. This seems like so many pills to swallow every day! I don't know why I bother worrying about it, because they're all medications I need. But it still nags at me in the back of my mind...

Thursday Mind Musings

* Christmas is only 17 days away!!!!! I'm so excited I can barely stand it! How am I going to get all my shopping and decorating and baking done before Christmas?! Ahhh!!!

* The weather is definitely cooling down here on St John! The days remain a balmy 80 to 85 degrees, but the nights have been bringing cooler air in, which is awesome since like a majority of the island, we don't have AC!

* I've been listening to Christmas music non-stop! My playlist of favorite Christmas and holiday tunes grows by the year:

Christmas Eve/ Sarajevo 12/24 by Trans-Siberian Orchestra

The Holly & The Ivy by Annie Lennox

All I Want for Christmas is a Real Good Tan by Kenny Chesney

Ave Maria by Celtic Women

Carol of the Bells by Mannheim Steamroller

Last Christmas by Wham!

Christmastime is Here by Charlie Brown Holiday Hits

Silent Night by The Temptations

All I Want for Christmas is You by Mariah Carey

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year by Andy Williams

Happy Xmas by John Lennon

* To sum life up these days: work, beach, bar, home, love, friends, happiness & laughter: Life is good, and I am very thankful:)

* Oh and I've decided to rename these entries from "Mind Dump" to "Mind Musings" for two reasons: first, I love alliteration! And second the word "dump" was making me uncomfortable!

Hope everyone has a beautiful day!

Christmas Wish List

I think part of my love for making Christmas lists (other than to be helpful to friends and family who request it) is browsing through catalogs and scouring Amazon.com and window shopping to my heart's content! I love making lists of shiny, pretty, new things that I'd like to have! That's not to say I expect these things, but it's fun to imagine! I've always done this, even when I was a child. I've just gotten started this year, but here are a few things on my Christmas Wish List so far...

A Mac!

VS Gift Card (helloooo bikinis!)

I've wanted this watch for a year now! Maybe Santa will bring it!

I'm obsessed with Pottery Barn. And having things monogrammed.

And of course the usual can't-go-wrong gifts: pedicures, massages, or anything pink or sparkly. Oh I can't wait to open presents this year!

Thirty Days of Thankful

HAPPY NOVEMBER!!!! I cannot believe the end of the year is so close; I can't believe the end of November is so close! Before we know it, December will be here! This month I'm doing a Thankful challenge, where I think of something I'm thankful about every day. I love this! It follows in my attempt to live life with a feeling of "Gratitude is the best attitude!" So here we are on Day 22 and I'd like to recap my gratitude for the last 21 days...

Thirty Days of Thankful

Day 1: I'm thankful for hugs on bad days!

Day 2: This last year has been hell on my health, so I'm thankful for being healthy and whole again (physically anyway lol!)

Day 3: I'm thankful for foot rubs after a long day of work!

Day 4: Today I'm thankful for a comfy place to rest my head every night!

Day 5: Today I'm thankful for my boobs! Just leaving the Save Second Base block party! So nice to spend time with friends and help raise money for breast cancer!

Day 6: I'm thankful for painkillers lol! I will leave it at that.

Day 7: I'm SO thankful for living somewhere with an endless summer! Love my flip flops, summer dresses, beach days, boat trips, sunglasses and bikinis 365 days a year!!! ♥


Day 8: I'm thankful for all this rain we're getting! Filling those cisterns right up!

Day 9: I'm thankful for quiet, alone time. And I'm thankful that I can enjoy it. I remember a time when I couldn't stand to be alone for more than 30 seconds. Growing up a tiny bit I think.

Day 10: I'm thankful for hugs! Not many things let you receive and give comfort at the same time...

Day 11: I'm thankful for love!

Day 12: I'm thankful for bad days, because once they're over good days seem so much more amazing!

Day 13: I'm thankful to have not only have two jobs, but I like them both and the people I work for!

Day 14: I'm thankful for politeness and manners! I'm thankful I know how to use them and I'm thankful when others do as well!

Day 15: I'm thankful for self confidence because I'm rocking a fro today! The old me wouldn't have left the house:)

Day 16: I'm thankful for learning to let go, to forgive but not forget! And I'm thankful for the experiences, good and bad, that are teaching me how to do this every day.

Day 17: I'm thankful for Karma.

Day 18: I'm thankful for music.

Day 19: I'm thankful for a car that runs on this island! No walking for me:)

Day 20: I'm thankful for the holidays! Can't wait for a few days off to do nothing at all!

Day 21: I'm thankful for my love who always cooks the most delicious meals for us!

Day 22: I'm thankful for second chances! Actually I'm thankful for 3rd and 4th chances, because I shudder to think what could have been had I not gotten a few re-dos in life!

Halloween 2011

My 1st Halloween on St John was a blast! An entertaining time was had by all! I didn't get any good pictures of us, but here are the few we did manage to capture...

Friday Mind Dump

* My therapist stood me up this morning!!! I was very stressed and upset about it but I'm trying to calm down because I don't want it to ruin my day. I know this sounds silly but how does someone just not show up? Maybe he had an emergency or something?... I called him twice and waited outside his office for 25 minutes and nothing, and I still haven't heard from him. Not happy about that!

* I've been so tired lately. I think my crazy, non-stop work schedule is really kicking my butt lately! I just keep telling myself that it'll be worth it when Sky and I are on our month long honeymoon next year...

* The weather is beautiful today!!! I wish I was spending the day on the beach instead of in the office!

* Today is 11/11/11!!! When I was younger I remember daydreaming that I might get married on this date! I made my wish at 11:11am! Did you?

* This time change is throwing me off! I keep forgetting that I'm an hour ahead of my East Coast friends and family! I'll get it right one of these days...

* Now that I'm finished watching the L word series I feel lost without those girls!!! Only 6 season?! Come on! Boo. The DVD box set is going on my Christmas list this year!!!

* I finally got my laptop back!!! Yay!!!! So look out for engagement photos, lots of blogging, and updates on our wedding website!!!!

That's all for me today! Hope everyone has a Happy Friday and a beautiful weekend!!!!

Back to School

I'm going back to school! Finally. I'm very excited about it! I've been wanting to finish my degree for years, but life keeps getting in the way. But starting January 3rd I'll be a student again! I've also decided to change my major from Education to a double major in Hotel & Tourism and Communications. I am extremely excited and nervous and impatient to start! I have so much on my plate right now, but it just feels right to get started on this goal and there's no time like the present! Please wish me luck on starting another new journey in my life:)

Household Hang-Ups

I don't like to clean. Actually that's being too nice about it. I hate to clean. I absolutely despise it. I don't mind putting dishes into the dishwasher (which we don't have), I'm fine with doing laundry, occasionally I like to dust, or even mop the floors with a Swiffer, but I HATE cleaning. I'm great at picking up, organizing (when I feel like it), and straightening. I don't want to sound like I never lift a finger. But I don't like scrubbing anything, dirt grosses me out and I'm just going to be honest: I feel like I have better things to do than clean. Sky doesn't like to clean either. And although he is (self admittedly) a slob, I'm totally okay with the fact that he doesn't like to clean any more than I do! My solution to this problem seems simple enough: I'd like to hire a maid. It's not that expensive here, it helps someone else who needs work (and money!) and both Sky and I are free to spend our time doing whatever we like instead of having to clean! AND it fits easily into our monthly budget. Sounds like a no-brainer right? Well wrong! Sky and I disagree on this subject. I think we should hire a maid, he thinks I should get over my hang-ups and clean. This is not to say that Sky or I won't clean, because we both do. In saying that, I have decided that I am over it. I don't mean to sound bitchy, I'm just done arguing about it and I am done doing something I don't want to do. We have been debating about whether to have a maid for almost two years now. And I think it's ridiculous! I got angry last night and said "When I was single and wanted a maid, all I had to do was call and book a maid! But now I have to argue with someone for two years about having a maid! It's RIDICULOUS!". Then I felt bad about throwing the whole "when I was single" thing in his face. But seriously already!!!! I mean he won't even give me a valid reason as to why he doesn't want one. So we're at a stand-off where the house is concerned. I told him very directly in our most recent conversation that I will work, grocery shop, help with the laundry and take care of the other dozens of things that help run a household, very willingly, happily and with a smile. But I am done cleaning. I am putting my foot down (I can do that, right?). If he wants the house clean, then he can do it, or he can let me hire a maid. It's as simple as that. I figure might as well clear the air and be as honest as possible before we make it official. This is something a lot of couples go through, right?  

Helping Hand

When I lived in Atlanta I did a lot of volunteer work with just about any and every organization I could find that needed help. The work, time, and occasionally money that I put into my volunteering was always well worth it and made me feel connected to the community and to people in general. And to be super honest, it makes me feel good to volunteer! Unfortunately I have fallen out of volunteering and community service since moving to St John. But that's going to change next week! Through my job at St John Catering I have met a very sweet women on island who heads the St John Community Foundation. I have a meeting with her next week to sign up for volunteer opportunities and I'm very excited about it! I'm not sure what I'll wind up doing, but I will blog about it next week and share what's going in my life volunteer-wise. Wish me luck!

Tuesday Mind Dump

* I played hooky yesterday from work and spent the day on the beach! I met up with a friend who I hadn't seen since high school! It was fun to catch up and hang out on the beach with fruity drinks with Desiree and her friend Christina. So random that I would see a familiar face from almost a decade ago here in the islands! Small world:)

* I have hit a wall with the wedding planning! I think I'm just burned out from being excited and trying to plan so much all at once in the beginning. I'm giving myself a two week break, then back to it! This wedding isn't going to plan itself...

* Still on my L word kick. I'm currently on Season 5. I'm obsessed! I've been watching so much of it that they feel like real people in my life. That's sad, huh?

* Part of me wants to upgrade my iPhone to the 4S, but I know by the time I get around to buying it, the iPhone 5 will probably be out, and then I'll be pissed for upgrading only to have to upgrade again. So I should just wait for the iPhone 5, right?...

* HALLOWEEN IS COMING!!!!! I am getting so super excited! Sky and I are going to be troopers this year. And by that I mean we plan to party until we can't see straight. We have plans to dress-up and go out Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights! Halloween is a big deal on St John and I can't wait to experience it this weekend:) So excited!!!!

Have a happy Tuesday all!!!

Airhead Moments

I am an airhead sometimes. We all are at some point, right? Most of the time my airhead moments are embarrassing but harmless, funny and easy to get over. Yesterday's moment was not so harmless. I was doing laundry and had three loads: two darks and one light. I used three machines in a row so it was easy and quick to load them. In go the clothes, turn the water on, add detergent, then add bleach. And here's the airhead part of my story. I threw some bleach in the load of whites then proceeded to throw bleach into the next machine which held my darks. Yes, I bleached an entire load of dark clothes. It wasn't until a few minutes later that I realized my mistake. The result was about half of my wardrobe ruined with very obvious bleach stains. I was so upset when I opened the washer at the end of the cycle, I almost cried right there in the laundromat. Some of my favorite clothes and several beautiful dresses that I absolutely loved are now ruined. I am a sad girl today :(

The only bright side to this is I get to go shopping for a new wardrobe!!!!! Shopping trip, anyone? :)

Halloween

Sky bought our Halloween costumes last week! A sheriff's costume for him and a prisoner costume for me, complete with handcuffs. Two weeks until Halloween and I can hardly stand the wait!

Wednesday Mind Dump

* I found a new therapist/life coach! I was referred to him by a friend of a friend. I met with him recently and I feel very good about working together with him. I have been struggling with finding a therapist that I like and trust, someone I feel understands me and the goals I'm trying to accomplish through therapy. This one session with my new counselor was a very different, but positive, experience than the ones I've had over the past year. I'm very hopeful!

* I know I keep saying this, but I have BRUISES everywhere from surfing. Not usually a big deal to anyone, but I can count on one hand how many bruises I've had in my entire life! So having them all over is sort of fascinating but weird! I keep looking at them and poking them.

* My new favorite series is The L Word. I'm starting it from the beginning, and I love it! Bette and Tina are my favorite couple! I also think Marina is ridiculously beautiful. The soundtrack to the series is pretty awful though. That's the only thing I found that I don't care for. Other than that I'm hooked!

* Sky and I did our engagement photos on Monday! It was so much fun being in front of the camera goofing off and being sweet with Sky. I'm very excited to see the results and be able to share them with everyone!

* I am having the best time ever planning our wedding! Part of me wishes we had more than 11 months to go until the wedding, because it seems like it's flying by! Everyone tells me that it does go by quickly, and I am seeing that now!

* I just walked around the grocery store for 15 minutes trying to figure out what I want to eat. Nothing seems good today. So I'm skipping lunch today.

* I saw the Endless Summer last night for the first time. Very cool!

* I'm feeling under the weather today but listening to my Rent station on Pandora is making work bearable today.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful day:)

War Wounds

Surfing kicked my ass yesterday! I wound up having so much FUN, but the first 30 minutes were tough. The water was pretty rough and choppy, and the waves were bigger than I've surfed before. I wiped out several times and I got pounded by wave after wave. Not to mention paddling through those waves were pretty hard! Waking up this morning found me with bruises, a cut on my foot and sore muscles. But... I can't wait to go out there again!!!! After I give myself a day of rest, though. I think surfing is one of my new loves!!!!

Four Agreements

This is a reminder for myself! I've read the book but my copy is in storage in Atlanta, so I Googled it to refresh my memory. I thought I'd share it here!

The Four Agreements are:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Halloween Is Coming!

Ahhh!!! How is it October already?! I know I have said that about every single month this year, but I'm still in AWE that this year has flown by as quickly as it has. Before we know it, it'll be Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Year's, then I'll be TURNING 28!!!!! Oh My God, when did I get so old?! Okay, deep breath, because I don't feel like having a panic attack right now...

So Halloween is coming! I love Halloween, and this will be the first year that Sky and I will be together for it! The first year we were dating at Halloween, but I was still living in Atlanta. Last year I was going through my miscarriage during Halloween so I didn't get to celebrate. This year we are going all out for this holiday! I want to do a couple's costume. Sky wants to be something funny and I want to be something sexy. Not much of a surprise there, huh? A few of my ideas so far:

- Sexy cop and prisoner
- Mermaid and Poseidon
- Wench and pirate
- Wonder Woman and Superman
- Cat Woman and Batman
- Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf

That's all I've come up with so far! Pretty standard (and boring!) ideas. I hope inspiration hits soon! I refuse to wait until the weekend before Halloween to figure out what I'm going to be, like I usually do. What is everyone else dressing up as?

This Is Your Life

I love, love, love this. So true, so simple and beautiful! 

Tuesday Mind Dump

* I am rocking the hippie look today. Colorful scarf in my hair, long white flowy skirt, and bangles. I love it!!!

* I have a surfing date with a friend on Wednesday and Friday! I'm super excited about it. I love surfing so much I've been dreaming about it. Did I mention that Sky and I plan on getting surf boards for Christmas?! Super excited!! We plan on getting boards that we can both ride so Sky has suggested getting a pink and blue board that says His & Hers. How cute?!

* I was doing so well reading real books the last few months! You know biographies, self-help, educational books, NYT Best Sellers, and whatnot. But the last two weeks I find myself devouring trashy romance novels at a very rapid pace. It makes me feel a little guilty, but reading is reading, right?!

* It seems like everything online is constantly changing! New Facebook, new Blogger, new 20 Something, new Yahoo... I never realized how much I am annoyed by change until all of my favorite sites started updating. The positive side to this? Every time something new does change, I bitch a little less about it. I figure the internet is helping to make me a better, less irritable person in a roundabout way.

* I am happy (finally!) on the work front here on St John. During the day I work as a receptionist at a catering company, and I work in a little gift shop on nights and weekends. This means I work 7 days a week, but I love it! I'm busy and it helps to relieve my boredom, since I have something to do every day. I think I'll eventually get burned out so I don't plan on doing this schedule for long, but for now it's awesome. And my bosses are great, and so is the pay! Love my jobs!

* Life is sooooo slow on island these days. It's slow season here, which means that about half of the restaurants have closed for about a month, very few tourists are visiting, lots of the locals are on summer vacation and there seems to be NOTHING going on event-wise. If it weren't for work, I would be stir crazy. I am so glad October is almost here.

* Speaking of October, WHERE has this year gone?! I swear I was just celebrating my birthday (February) and now it's the end of September. I feel like life is flying by and I'm in slow motion or something. Crazy!

* Almost finished with work for the day. I have a date with the beach this afternoon:)

Happy Tuesday!!!
xoxo

Growing and Learning

Since Sky and I have been back together, we have talked endlessly about our relationship, our future, our families, our goals, our feelings, the miscarriage, our past... you name it, we've talked about it until we were blue in the face. And that hasn't stopped, and I hope it never does! We both realized that communication is one of the major hurdles in our relationship. It is something that we have been working hard on, and I feel proud to say that our relationship is better than it has ever been. We are both happier now than we've been in some time.

Just this morning Sky said some of the sweetest words I have ever heard come out of his mouth. He told me that we are growing and learning and changing together, and he doesn't want that to stop. It makes me feel so good to know that we both want the best for the other, that we both are committed to this relationship and the other's happiness. There have definitely been rocky, hard times with us. There were times when I had zero faith in the stability and future of our relationship. And I know that he has felt the same. But what matters now is that we have decided to be together and work on making us stronger, healthier and happier. And we are doing it! I am happier and feel more in love with him than I ever have. And the beauty of that is he feels the same way. So here's to growing and learning and changing for the better!

Surfer Girl

It's my goal to work on becoming a surfer girl. I love surfing! How could you not?! It's fun, it's exhilarating, I get to spend time in the sun & surf and it is such a great workout! Sky and I have decided that we both want surf boards for Christmas, which I am super excited about! Blah, blah, blah for him (this seems rude, but really I honestly can't remember what he wants!) and a pink long board for me! Yay! Not to mention, when we decide to relocate to Hawaii, owning our own boards will definitely come in handy!

Today is a perfect day to go surfing, especially for me since I'm still very much a beginner. The waves are baby-sized, the weather is gorgeous and the ocean is pretty calm. So that's how I'm spending my afternoon! Pictures to come!

Happy Hump Day!!! I hope everyone's Wednesday is going smashingly!!!
xoxo

Monday Mind Dump

* I'm forcing myself to get back to blogging! One of my personal goals was to keep up with this blog and I haven't done a very good job of that over the last two months. That stops today! * It's been a dreary, rainy few days here on St John. I'm praying for the sun to come out some time this week! I would love to do some beach yoga and go surfing again, if only the weather would cooperate! * My laptop is still broken. I am the world's worst procrastinator. :( * It's so chilly here today that I'm wearing a long sleeve tee and I plan on having soup for lunch! It almost feels like fall! Well minus the mini skirt and flip flops I'm also wearing... * For the last 2 weeks I have had a dream almost every single night about the same person, someone I haven't seen in over a year. I wonder what this means, if anything? * Life has been so very good lately:) I am happier than I have been in a long time! It feels so wonderful to be so in love with life again. * I am crazy excited to go visit my Granny in NC in a few weeks! She lives in Wilmington, which I've never visited, but I hear it's lovely! She and Sky will (finally!) meet and I'm looking forward to being back in the states for a bit! Target and Chick-Fil-A here I come!!!! Here's hoping everyone has an amazing start to their week! Happy Monday!

Life is Good

I haven't blogged in some time! One reason is that my laptop has been broken and I've yet to have it fixed. The other reason is that I haven't had too much to say lately! Life, for the most part, has been good and happy and fulfilling recently. I've had a few bad days sprinkled in here and there, but I'll take that over constant sadness any day! Sky and I have been spending a lot of time together with just the two of us. We've put a lot of energy and work into our relationship and things are good for us! Our little island (and our livers) are recovering from Carnival which just ended. Summertime is hitting St John full force. The crowds of tourists have visibly thinned, the weather is scorching and the whole town just seems lazy and sleepy. I'm looking forward to doing more of what we've been up to recently: lots of beach days, dinner with friends, movie nights, going sailing, and just hanging out and being happy! Life is good these days:)

I Want You

This song has been running through my head for days...

Island

Fairy Tales

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there lived a boy and a girl. One day the Girl woke up in a beautiful mood! The sun was shining and she was happy. After long, productive but joyful day, the girl decided to surprise the Boy when he got off of work. Her plan was to buy a bottle of wine and whisk the Boy away to a romantic spot overlooking the ocean. The Girl wanted to watch one of land's beautiful sunsets while she and the Boy shared the wine. She thought it would be sweet and create a lovely memory.

On the way to the romantic spot, very suddenly a rainstorm hit. The Girl shrieked in surprise and asked the Boy to pull over and put the top up on their car, which was a convertible. What the Girl didn't know was that earlier, an ogre attacked the Boy and cast an evil spell on him that made the Boy unhappy. The evil spell also made the Boy feel as if everyone and everything were being mean to him. While the Girl was still shrieking and laughing, the Boy only heard anger and yelling. So the Boy yelled back at the Girl. The Girl was shocked and hurt and sad. She had wanted the evening to be a fun, beautiful one. But the evil spell had ruined the happy mood, and no matter what she did, the Girl couldn't bring the fun and laughter back.

So the Boy and Girl went home, silently, and did separate activities until it was time for bed. At bedtime the Girl was grateful, because everyone knows that evil spells disappear at midnight. The Girl couldn't wait for the bright, happy dawn of a new day.

But the Girl did make her mind up about something: Next time, she would take that bottle of wine and head up to the overlook with a couple of girlfriends instead.

The End

Apartment Hell

Mice, non-stop bugs, a smell from HELL when the wind blows the right way (due to being located very near the septic) and outrageously expensive. <---- Description of my awful, terrible, no-good, very bad apartment.

Oh and two days ago I had the pleasure (SARCASM) of seeing my 80-something year old landlord's junk as he took a restroom break outside in broad daylight. 10 feet from his house. I am particularly pissed about this and in my head it's the last fucking straw.

WHY am I still here?! Because I haven't found anywhere else to live yet. But I am trying to remedy that with the utmost swiftness.

I am in apartment hell. But not for long.

New Face

To You

It's the heart of the matter.
Can it really be?
And I'll be right there.
Never say never.
To know you is to love you.
Over the rainbow and to the pot of gold.
Until we meet again.

Tickle and tickle and tickle some more.
Where is the love?
Several wrongs don't make a right.
Under the bridge is a secret.

Granite counter tops please.
Happiness.
And then the story unfolded...

Unless...
Here he lies.
Earthbound souls wandering.
Magic lies in every one of us.

Icicles, glittering in the sun.
Steak and eggs anyone?

As you were.
Kisses and hugs, skipping and laughing.
Ever since I was a little girl...
Tick-tock goes the grandfather clock!
Canning fresh strawberries.
As soon as I'm finished with this!
No sadness, no tears.
Mecca lecca high mecca hiney ho.

Forever young, my love.
Is that what that means?
Xylophones are interesting, I suppose.
To you, from me.

Have you seen one up close?
Indigo and then violet!
Sanity is nothing but madness from a different perspective.

Every which way but the right way.
Simon Says!
So far way, doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?

Doldrums

A couple of weeks ago I woke up feeling happy. It seemed almost out of the blue. Several weeks of mostly happy, joyful feelings and good days followed.

Earlier this week I woke up feeling a little off, a little blue. I tried to shake it off, shoo it away. Every subsequent day has found me sadder than the last.

I just broke down in tears at the grocery store in front of a lot of people. There I was in line buying my Raisin Bran Crunch and I just started sobbing.

What is wrong with me?! I thought the Zoloft was supposed to stabilize things for me.

I honestly, truly feel that I might be suffering with Bipolar Disorder. When I brought this up with my current doctor, he brushed my concerns off. My mother suffers from Bipolar Disorder. And it's hereditary. Does my quack of a doctor care? Nope.

My emotions have been all over the place this last year. I feel like I'm going crazy. It's one step forward, three steps back with this. It's exhausting. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I'm tired.

 I just want some peace.

Missing Pieces

I know this is so selfish of me, and I don't like being this way, but it feels like a dagger in my heart every single time I hear about someone being pregnant or giving birth. It literally hurts to hear other's happy baby news. It bothers me that I feel this way. I wonder when, or if, these feelings will ever subside.

I thought making it past my due date would somehow bring me closure. I imagined that it would be a metaphorical door closing on my sadness and grief; I imagined it being left behind for good. It hasn't been that way. Now instead of silently keeping track of how far along in my pregnancy I should be, I'm silently keeping track of how old my baby would be. This pain is heartbreaking and never far from my mind. I'm not sure if anyone, not even Sky, knows how often I think of my Blueberry.

There's a missing piece, a hole in my heart, a chunk of my soul gone. In its place are tears and heartache. Life is so cruel and unfair sometimes. I'm angry and sad that this is something that I'll carry around for the rest of my life.

Eating

Do you ever just get tired of eating? That's where I am right now. I hate thinking about what to eat. I hate the dilemma of "What's for dinner?" every night. I'm tired of food! Tired of looking at it, thinking about it, eating it!!! I'm sick of food!!!

Swimming

I was 4 years old, still living  in New Jersey and it was finally summer! I tagged along as my cousins and siblings went to the public pool, chaperoned by my Uncle Maine. Most of the day is fuzzy in my memory as I try to recall it, but one event stands out as clear as a bell. Standing beside the pool I watched as my uncle jumped in to be closer to the other children who enthusiastically barreled towards the water to get out of the heat. I was shy and quiet as a child and it was my nature to hang back and take everything in before deciding on whether or not to join. So there I was, watching, as everyone else was splashing and playing. My uncle's attention finally settled on me and he asked why I wasn't in the pool. I didn't have the words to tell him that I didn't know how to swim, so I continued to simply stare at him not answering the question. He motioned for me to come closer, and I did. "Jump in Kourtnie!," he said, and I did. Being a child in my family meant we were always taught to obey adults without question. Did he know that I couldn't swim? I don't know. As I sat on the bottom of the pool I looked up noticing that there were several feet separating me and the surface. I waited patiently for strong arms to lift me back into the air because how else would I get all the way up there? When time ticked by and no rescue came, fear slowly started to creep in. And then I tried to take a breath. When I found that I couldn't breathe, I started flailing and struggling. After what seemed like an eternity, someone pulled me from the pool and sat me on the ground as I vomited water, choking and crying for my mom. This was my first experience with water. 

Because of that unfortunate incident at 4 years old, it took me years to get over my paralyzing fear of water. It didn't help that the majority of my family could not swim. My Granny also has a deep-seated fear of water that she no doubt passed along to her children. When it came to the ability to swim, fear ruled us.

I didn't learn to swim until I was 21. My boyfriend at the time spent most of the summer helping me learn different strokes in my apartment complex's pool. It was a very slow, mentally draining process to learn to swim. To this day I have a very healthy fear and respect for any body of water larger than a bathtub. And while I can now swim and splash and play with the best of them, a pool floatie or life jacket is never far from my reach. Just in case.

Photography

I have such a huge appreciation and love for artistic expression of any kind: music, literature, dance, art, photography, poetry... You name it, I love it and wish I had the talent to pursue it! While I don't want to become a professional, I am enthralled with photography! I think I want to learn a few basics about better picture taking, how to work with different lighting, and generally how to take beautiful pictures. I'm on the hunt for a new camera now. And there's a photography class in St Thomas this summer that I'm hoping to sign up for! Besides, it definitely doesn't hurt to pick up another hobby to help relieve some of my island fever. And I could cross another thing off my 101 in 1001 list!

Oh and before I forget, I should add Happy Tuesday. I found out that it's not Monday about an hour ago. Why didn't anyone call me out on that?!

Monday Mind Dump

* Today I'm catching up on Glee and cleaning the house during commercials. I've made it to the season finale already. I'm sad that I have to go all summer with no Glee!!!

* The weather in St John seems so crazy this year! The winter was noticeably cooler and we've had a crazy amount of rainy, overcast days over the past couple of months. I am very much looking forward to a long, hot summer!

* I won't name names (how hard could it be to guess?) but someone likes to yell at me for how much dish soap I use. My comeback? My dishes are noticeably cleaner than his. For some reason he's also weird about how much laundry detergent I use. Maybe he's scared of soap? :)

* I adopted a new stuffed animal! He's a cute sailor bear named Myles! Love him!

* We still don't have cable. And renting movies at $4 a movie, per night is getting expensive! Hulu has become my best friend lately!

* Who invented mayonnaise? And who thought to put it on sandwiches?! Genius!

* Sky set a daily reminder for me to take my Zoloft. It says" Time to take your crazy pill lovey". I'm annoyed by it but also find it very cute!

I hope everyone is having a Happy Monday! I'm off to work:)

Time Wasters

I'm an expert at wasting time! Here's a website I recently found. It's fun, in a very sedate way! Check it out if you're bored.
Design Your Own Home

Love at First Sight

I do believe in love at first sight because it has happened to me several times. I know some people think "lust at first sight" is more probable, but that's not what happened in my case. I believe that human sexuality is more fluid than our society gives it credit for. I've always said that I can and do find girls beautiful. I can appreciate an attractive body, a nice smile, or pretty hair. But that doesn't mean I am attracted in a sexual way. So I think I can safely take "lust" off the table when talking about love at first sight.

*It happened to me a handful of years ago. I was visiting a friend in New York City for the week to do some shopping and sight-seeing. A few days into my trip we met some of his friends for wings and beer. So we're sitting in this restaurant laughing away with drinks and appetizers in front of us waiting for the rest of the group to arrive. There were maybe 5 or 6 of us when she walked in. I remember immediately feeling shy as she walked right up to me and introduced herself with a hug, saying she had heard so much about me. And suddenly I was very overwhelmed at her presence; it was all I could do to say hello back. I was blushing furiously and was at a loss for words. I'm hard pressed to find the words to convey even now how I was feeling! I can only describe it as being enthralled by her immensely. I wanted to be near here and hear any and everything she had to say and I wanted her to find me interesting and pretty. But the attraction I felt wasn't a sexual one. It was, however, a very instant and strong one. To this day I remember the feelings clearly, but I can't describe them save for the word "love". Strange, I know!

Another instance happened here in St. John while I was working at Big Planet. If you've never been to the store, it has three levels with the register being on the second floor, so customers have to walk up a stair case to purchase their items. I was behind the counter being my customary silly and talkative self with the customer I was helping. As I was laughing, I noticed a man walking up the stairs with a shirt in his hand. And, as it happened before, my breath caught, my laughter died and I was speechless. I was blushing so fiercely that I felt like a 13 year old with an uncontrollable crush. The man seemed handsome, yet ordinary enough. But his eyes stunned me and I had the strongest feeling that I knew this man, had been with this stranger before, though I am absolutely sure I had never met him. And again, I felt the intense urge to be near him and know him and... And what, I don't know! I remember my co-workers teasing me for my reaction. I was mortified that others were witnessing my obvious astonishment at what I was feeling. I can't recall what we talked about, because we did converse for maybe 10 minutes, but every passing second had me feeling surer and surer that I knew this man. And as the last time, the initial attraction wasn't that of a sensual nature. It was more a feeling of coming home, or recognizing a dear friend or lover after being apart for 20 years.

I'm not even sure describing these encounters as "love at first sight" is appropriate, but I'm not sure how else to characterize it. I do know that this has happened several times in my life. And every time it feels like a shock, then some sort of vague feeling of recognition and then the realization that I feel something very strongly for someone who was a mere stranger moments before. It's such an unsettling feeling when it happens, but also a very delicious, welcoming, warm sense of completion. So odd, but so exhilarating! I wonder what is transpiring when I feel this way. I also wonder if this is something anyone else has experienced... If anyone else has stories of love at first sight I would LOVE to hear about it!!


*I've changed details to protect the privacy of the people in my story.

$15

This is what $15 got me today! A box of cereal and a half gallon of organic milk.

Getting Married

I have to be honest! I definitely won't be tying the knot until I'm 100% sure but.... some days I can't wait to get married just to have the big party, beautiful dress and amazing food!!!

Suicide Prevention

This is a link to my friend Brian's page. He is an advocate and supporter of suicide prevention through the organization AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention). He, this website and the resources I have found through it have all been helpful to me during my struggle with depression and suicide.

If you know of anyone who is struggling, or you're going through this yourself, I encourage you to check out the website. And please pass it on to your friends and family and coworkers. There is still such a stigma surrounding these issues. We need to get this information out and be more willing to talk about it!

Brian Siegel's AFSP Page

Also feel free to email me any thoughts, comments or questions!

Love

"Don't be afraid to fall in love. It's the only thing that matters in life. Fall in love with as many things as possible."

Country Strong

Hindsight

Yes, hindsight is 20/20. Sometimes love blinds you, fools you, lulls you into a false sense of security. Not to take anything from the fact that everything happens for a reason and lessons were learned, but a piece of me wishes I stumbled upon this article 10 months ago. Of course I probably would have dismissed it anyway! And even though it seems like common sense, it's still an interesting but quick read. Are You Ready for a Baby or Not?

ABCs

A Age: 27

B. Bed size: Queen (for now!)

C. Chore that you hate: Cleaning the bathroom, hand washing the dishes

D. Dogs: None, yet!

E. Essential start to your day: Cuddles and bacon

F. Favorite color: PINK of course:)

G. Gold or Silver: Silver

H. Height: 5'4 1/2

I. Instruments you play: Sax, but I haven't played in almost 10 years!

J. Job title: Sales Associate

K. Karma: Yes I believe!!!!

L. Live: St. John, VI

M. Mother's name: Xenia

N. Nicknames: Babykins, Pumpkin Butt, Kourt, Pretty Girl

O. Overnight hospital stays: Two different times in the last year, which was traumatic and scary!!!!

P. Pet peeve: Rudeness, and being ignored

Q. Quote: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." Eden Ahbez

R. Right or left handed: Right

S. Siblings: 3: Quinn, Denise and Eric

T. Time you wake up: Depends. I'm usually up around 7ish, but sometimes I go back to bed for a few hours...

U. Underwear: Not usually

V. Vegetable you hate: Mushrooms (unless they're stuffed with sausage!)

W. What makes you run late: Changing my clothes a million times

X. X-Rays you've had: Teeth and stomach

Y. Yummy food that you make: I'm an awesome brownie baker!!

Z. Zoo animal: I hate zoos. I think they're cruel. And stinky.

Zombie Apocalypse

Last night I had a dream about the Zombie Apocalypse. I don't remember a lot of details except that Sky and I were in an office or school building. We were trying to get away on a blue scooter because zombies were chasing after us. We started to get away but a crowd of zombies rushed us and knocked us off the scooter. I watched them kill Sky and then they attacked me. They ripped my head open to eat my brains. As Sky and I were lying on the ground dying, we held hands. Then I woke up.

It was such a scary, weird dream! I haven't watched anything about zombies in a while. But occasionally Sky and I do have the What Would We Do in the Event of (Zombies, earthquakes, tsunamis, the Apocalypse, or some other tragic occurrence) conversations. Which is totally normal, right?

Anyway, here's a funny article about the possibility of zombies. It's old, but amusing! 5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen

I Wanna Take You Higher

Tina Turner is a goddess. She is hands down my absolute favorite musician in the world. I love her more than... anything! She's an icon, she's a legend, she's an inspiration. I could go on, but I won't! Here's one of my favorite performances by her.

I Fell in Love

Sky and I have been looking around for a new place to settle into (again!). Yesterday we looked at a house described as a "Shackteau" and I absolutely fell head over heels in love with it. It was such a bright, open, adorable house. And super affordable. Everything we've been looking for! It's the kind of place I imagined living in here on the islands. The only downside was that it's only available as a short term rental. So we're passing on it to keep looking. I'm a tiny bit heartbroken over not being able to rent that house. All I can hope it that something perfect is going to find us, and very soon!!

Lovely Afternoon

Lunch with my friend Jim at Caneel Bay was wonderful! And I was a bit of a bad girl and had a couple of drinks even though I have to work in about an hour... I love Sex on the Beach!!! It's one of my favorites:)

Tuesday Mind Dump

* My apartment needs a good scrub down but I just can't find the energy or motivation to do it. I just dislike this apartment so much! I'm giving myself 30 more minutes of "play time" and then I'll start tackling it. I hope!

* I have a lunch date today! We're going to Caneel Bay for the buffet. I've never been but I hear it's yummy!

* I saw one of my ER doctors dancing in the parade at Carnival this last weekend! If you look at the photos I posted earlier, he's one of the guys in the bright, shiny metallic outfit. He even recognized me and waved! I thought it was hilarious! Only in the VI...

* I'm trying to upload videos from Carnival but the internet is soooo slow here that I'm not sure if they will ever finish loading!!

* I've started applying for jobs in Hawaii. I'm thinking of going as early as late summer. Yes, I'm really going!! Wish me luck!!

* One of my worst fears came true a few nights ago: I woke up to a palmetto bug (which is a nice way to say a huge, ugly, scary, you-know-what) running up my arm!!!!! I had a total freak out and then a melt down at 3am. Did I mention I hate my apartment? No matter how much we spray and spray and spray some more, they keep showing up. Thank goodness I only see one every few days. But still, that many is TOO many for me. Gross.

* I've been meditating and chanting again. Sometimes my meditation is just sitting quietly and listening to the sound of my breathing. Even a few months ago, sitting quietly was very hard for me. I would start thinking about everything and overwhelm myself and end up in tears. So I'm happy that I'm slowly getting back into it.

* There's the cutest, tiniest little lizard that lives in the store where I work. My boss and I named him Gordon, Gordie for short. I've tried to get pictures of him, but he's so tiny and fast! I think he's camera shy.

* There's a chance that Sky and I will be able to sail down island next month on a friend's boat. I hope it works out!! I would love to go!!

I hope everyone is having a good Tuesday so far. :)

St Thomas Carnival 2011

Here are a few pictures I took during the parade in St Thomas for Carnival this year. These shots aren't the greatest, but you'll get a vague idea of what the Carnival parade was like! I'll try to upload a few videos in my next post of the dancing and music!