I'm Living It

Naturally, this being a small island and knowing so many people, I run into friendly faces every day asking how life is. Often in these conversations, knowing that Sky and I were recently wed, friends ask how married life is going. When I tell them not well and that I'm leaving island, they are usually shocked! They want to know why, what's going on, what happened for things to change so suddenly when we seemed so happy? And I'm honest... I tell them I'm leaving my marriage because it's abusive. I know that marriage is a serious undertaking, and I went into it happily and willingly. I never imagined, though, that three weeks in I would be physically abused and put into the situation of choosing between the man I love and my own safety. That was definitely not a part of the happily ever after I had in mind! Once friends know the circumstances of my leaving, most have been very supportive of me, telling me I'm doing the right thing by going. I'm endlessly thankful for all the encouragement and love most people have shown me. Life has been so hard lately and it's the kind words and support being given to me that help me through these sometimes hellish days.

Now on the other hand, I have definitely gotten some responses more along the line of Oh it'll work itself out, Keep trying, Hang in there, Marriage is hard at first but it gets better... And while I agree under normal circumstances, violence against your intimate, married partner seems a deal-breaker no matter the excuse. I think at the end of the day everyone deserves to feel safe, loved, and cherished especially in a marriage where you have promised those virtues to one another. Violently putting your hands on someone is a surefire way to rip those things away and replace them with fear, anxiety, and hurt. Sadly I know, I'm living it.

I look forward to the move, if only to be able to start healing and moving on with my life. I know there are so many exciting, new things to look forward to in Colorado, but the heartbreak and the gravity of this situation is clouding my sunny outlook on things. Only 4 days until I leave island and make a fresh start for myself, and I am alternately excited and terrified, with terror winning out a majority of the time. Universe give me courage and strength please, I need it!

Hindsight

Yes, hindsight is 20/20. Sometimes love blinds you, fools you, lulls you into a false sense of security. Not to take anything from the fact that everything happens for a reason and lessons were learned, but a piece of me wishes I stumbled upon this article 10 months ago. Of course I probably would have dismissed it anyway! And even though it seems like common sense, it's still an interesting but quick read. Are You Ready for a Baby or Not?

Well...

I decided what to do. And unlike the last time, I made this decision alone, consulted no one, and surprisingly I feel very certain and I don't feel conflicted about it. I made my own bed, and now I will be lying in it, happily.

Happy Monday all!!

What Was I Thinking?!

Some days I can't help but to kick myself and scream repeatedly "What was I thinking?!". But then I remember that everything happens for a reason, and that I learned many little lessons, and several huge ones, from everything that I've gone through especially in the past year. Growth, progress and awareness go hand in hand with mistakes, stumbles and falls. And I'm learning to be okay with that. Everything I'm going through will make me a stronger, smarter, kinder, more understanding person, wife, and mother some day. And I'm learning to be okay with that too!!