I Want You

This song has been running through my head for days...

Island

Fairy Tales

Once upon a time in a land far, far away, there lived a boy and a girl. One day the Girl woke up in a beautiful mood! The sun was shining and she was happy. After long, productive but joyful day, the girl decided to surprise the Boy when he got off of work. Her plan was to buy a bottle of wine and whisk the Boy away to a romantic spot overlooking the ocean. The Girl wanted to watch one of land's beautiful sunsets while she and the Boy shared the wine. She thought it would be sweet and create a lovely memory.

On the way to the romantic spot, very suddenly a rainstorm hit. The Girl shrieked in surprise and asked the Boy to pull over and put the top up on their car, which was a convertible. What the Girl didn't know was that earlier, an ogre attacked the Boy and cast an evil spell on him that made the Boy unhappy. The evil spell also made the Boy feel as if everyone and everything were being mean to him. While the Girl was still shrieking and laughing, the Boy only heard anger and yelling. So the Boy yelled back at the Girl. The Girl was shocked and hurt and sad. She had wanted the evening to be a fun, beautiful one. But the evil spell had ruined the happy mood, and no matter what she did, the Girl couldn't bring the fun and laughter back.

So the Boy and Girl went home, silently, and did separate activities until it was time for bed. At bedtime the Girl was grateful, because everyone knows that evil spells disappear at midnight. The Girl couldn't wait for the bright, happy dawn of a new day.

But the Girl did make her mind up about something: Next time, she would take that bottle of wine and head up to the overlook with a couple of girlfriends instead.

The End

Apartment Hell

Mice, non-stop bugs, a smell from HELL when the wind blows the right way (due to being located very near the septic) and outrageously expensive. <---- Description of my awful, terrible, no-good, very bad apartment.

Oh and two days ago I had the pleasure (SARCASM) of seeing my 80-something year old landlord's junk as he took a restroom break outside in broad daylight. 10 feet from his house. I am particularly pissed about this and in my head it's the last fucking straw.

WHY am I still here?! Because I haven't found anywhere else to live yet. But I am trying to remedy that with the utmost swiftness.

I am in apartment hell. But not for long.

New Face

To You

It's the heart of the matter.
Can it really be?
And I'll be right there.
Never say never.
To know you is to love you.
Over the rainbow and to the pot of gold.
Until we meet again.

Tickle and tickle and tickle some more.
Where is the love?
Several wrongs don't make a right.
Under the bridge is a secret.

Granite counter tops please.
Happiness.
And then the story unfolded...

Unless...
Here he lies.
Earthbound souls wandering.
Magic lies in every one of us.

Icicles, glittering in the sun.
Steak and eggs anyone?

As you were.
Kisses and hugs, skipping and laughing.
Ever since I was a little girl...
Tick-tock goes the grandfather clock!
Canning fresh strawberries.
As soon as I'm finished with this!
No sadness, no tears.
Mecca lecca high mecca hiney ho.

Forever young, my love.
Is that what that means?
Xylophones are interesting, I suppose.
To you, from me.

Have you seen one up close?
Indigo and then violet!
Sanity is nothing but madness from a different perspective.

Every which way but the right way.
Simon Says!
So far way, doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?

Doldrums

A couple of weeks ago I woke up feeling happy. It seemed almost out of the blue. Several weeks of mostly happy, joyful feelings and good days followed.

Earlier this week I woke up feeling a little off, a little blue. I tried to shake it off, shoo it away. Every subsequent day has found me sadder than the last.

I just broke down in tears at the grocery store in front of a lot of people. There I was in line buying my Raisin Bran Crunch and I just started sobbing.

What is wrong with me?! I thought the Zoloft was supposed to stabilize things for me.

I honestly, truly feel that I might be suffering with Bipolar Disorder. When I brought this up with my current doctor, he brushed my concerns off. My mother suffers from Bipolar Disorder. And it's hereditary. Does my quack of a doctor care? Nope.

My emotions have been all over the place this last year. I feel like I'm going crazy. It's one step forward, three steps back with this. It's exhausting. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I'm tired.

 I just want some peace.

Missing Pieces

I know this is so selfish of me, and I don't like being this way, but it feels like a dagger in my heart every single time I hear about someone being pregnant or giving birth. It literally hurts to hear other's happy baby news. It bothers me that I feel this way. I wonder when, or if, these feelings will ever subside.

I thought making it past my due date would somehow bring me closure. I imagined that it would be a metaphorical door closing on my sadness and grief; I imagined it being left behind for good. It hasn't been that way. Now instead of silently keeping track of how far along in my pregnancy I should be, I'm silently keeping track of how old my baby would be. This pain is heartbreaking and never far from my mind. I'm not sure if anyone, not even Sky, knows how often I think of my Blueberry.

There's a missing piece, a hole in my heart, a chunk of my soul gone. In its place are tears and heartache. Life is so cruel and unfair sometimes. I'm angry and sad that this is something that I'll carry around for the rest of my life.

Eating

Do you ever just get tired of eating? That's where I am right now. I hate thinking about what to eat. I hate the dilemma of "What's for dinner?" every night. I'm tired of food! Tired of looking at it, thinking about it, eating it!!! I'm sick of food!!!

Swimming

I was 4 years old, still living  in New Jersey and it was finally summer! I tagged along as my cousins and siblings went to the public pool, chaperoned by my Uncle Maine. Most of the day is fuzzy in my memory as I try to recall it, but one event stands out as clear as a bell. Standing beside the pool I watched as my uncle jumped in to be closer to the other children who enthusiastically barreled towards the water to get out of the heat. I was shy and quiet as a child and it was my nature to hang back and take everything in before deciding on whether or not to join. So there I was, watching, as everyone else was splashing and playing. My uncle's attention finally settled on me and he asked why I wasn't in the pool. I didn't have the words to tell him that I didn't know how to swim, so I continued to simply stare at him not answering the question. He motioned for me to come closer, and I did. "Jump in Kourtnie!," he said, and I did. Being a child in my family meant we were always taught to obey adults without question. Did he know that I couldn't swim? I don't know. As I sat on the bottom of the pool I looked up noticing that there were several feet separating me and the surface. I waited patiently for strong arms to lift me back into the air because how else would I get all the way up there? When time ticked by and no rescue came, fear slowly started to creep in. And then I tried to take a breath. When I found that I couldn't breathe, I started flailing and struggling. After what seemed like an eternity, someone pulled me from the pool and sat me on the ground as I vomited water, choking and crying for my mom. This was my first experience with water. 

Because of that unfortunate incident at 4 years old, it took me years to get over my paralyzing fear of water. It didn't help that the majority of my family could not swim. My Granny also has a deep-seated fear of water that she no doubt passed along to her children. When it came to the ability to swim, fear ruled us.

I didn't learn to swim until I was 21. My boyfriend at the time spent most of the summer helping me learn different strokes in my apartment complex's pool. It was a very slow, mentally draining process to learn to swim. To this day I have a very healthy fear and respect for any body of water larger than a bathtub. And while I can now swim and splash and play with the best of them, a pool floatie or life jacket is never far from my reach. Just in case.