Saturday Mind Dump

* I am so excited about tomorrow: breakfast and Mimosas at my favorite breakfast place, a boat trip to Jost Van Dyke, hanging out on the beach all day, and over to Willy T's for a topless jump if we have time!!!  Tomorrow is going to be amazing!!!!

* I'm seeing my doctor on Tuesday as a follow up to the surgery. I'm not 100% sure everything is healing okay, so I'm nervous! We'll see what he says.

* I'm trying to plan a vacation and I'm a little frustrated. I'm attempting to decide if we should go to Puerto Rico, Tortola, St Croix or somewhere down island. There are too many choices!!! And Sky is not helping at all on this one. I get so overwhelmed with the planning that I just quit and keep putting it off. At this rate we won't vacation until October! And I was shocked to realize that we have never been on a vacation with just the two of us. Weird!

* I think my manager knows I'm goofing off today. She keeps coming in and asking me the same things over and over again. She's not even on duty!!! I wish she would go away!!!! And speak of the devil, guess who just walked through the door AGAIN...

* I need a massage. And a pedicure!! Oh it's been too long since I had a spa day.

* I had a dream about my ex-best friend. In it we both cried and apologized and hugged and said "I love yous". When I woke up I thought it had really happened so I was so happy!! And then I realized it was a dream. That was very much a let-down...

* I met someone yesterday who told me that I was an "old soul" and that this was my "last life here on Earth". Spooky!!! Well I should explain that it was spooky because just recently I started Google-ing and reading everything I could get my hands on about Reincarnation. And this wasn't just a random kooky person. We had a very in-depth conversation about astrology and the Zodiac and reincarnation and all sorts of other interesting things. I thought it was very cool and I'm excited to see him again!

That's all from me!! Happy Saturday!!!!

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is touchy for me this year. There were several times that I wanted to bring up the subject with Sky, but I kept backing out and changing the topic. Last night I finally found the nerve to bring it up and Sky told me that he had planned on celebrating me this year on Mother's Day! I wanted to cry when he told me that. I think it's very sweet and supportive that he's doing this for me. I don't know what he has planned, but I'm excited to find out!

Meanwhile it's on my To Do list to stop by the store and buy several Mother's Day cards for both of our moms, grandmothers and a few other family members. And we'll of course call and wish them all a good day, but that's about the extent of our Mother's Day plans. Pretty much normal for me!

Work, Work, Work

I have accumulated dozens of work horror stories since living here on St John. And to be fair (and not bad mouth anyone) I will just say this:

I would LOVE to find a job where I actually work, get paid, get the hours I'm promised, not have to do anything illegal and get treated like a human being. I don't think any of these are too much to ask of a job. But it's been hard to find a job fitting these standards.

Back to job hunting, again. Oh the joys of island life:)

Easter Memories

One of my most vivid Easter memories was terrible and it took me YEARS to get over. I was about 6 years old and my siblings and a few cousins and I all lived with my Granny in New Jersey. We grew up poor and when Easter came around that year Granny didn't have enough money to buy Easter baskets for everyone. I remember her pulling me and my older brother aside to talk to us. When we asked where our Easter baskets were she told us that on the way to our house, the Easter Bunny had gotten into a car accident and had to go to the hospital. She then proceeded to show us a picture in the paper of an actual car wreck, and told us that was the Easter Bunny. Well of course I freaked out! She told us not to tell the younger kids so they wouldn't be scared. So I kept it to myself. This haunted me for years until I realized that the Easter Bunny wasn't real. And while I know she was just doing the best she could, this my personal lesson #865 on how not to raise children!

Out of the Sea

I finally made it to the beach!!!!! And it was much needed. I had so much fun splashing and swimming and snorkeling!!! Some time in the ocean was exactly what I needed:) And some time goofing off in front of the camera of course!

Thursday Mind Dump

* I just had a Skype call sitting on my porch, completely naked. It made me laugh!

* I feel skinny today! Probably because I've recently lost about 5 pounds. My weight is all over the place this last year.

* I am dreading May 1st. It was supposed to be my due date. I'm mentally preparing myself for a breakdown, but I'm also trying to plan something extremely fun and crazy for that day: something I wouldn't be able to do if I was about to, or just recently, had a baby. Still working on the details...

* I can't remember what the ocean feels or tastes like. I haven't been to the beach since February. And I'm so busy working to try to catch up from my hospitalization, that I'm not sure when will be the next time I'll have a chance to get there. That makes me a little sad.

* I haven't been sleeping well at all for weeks now. Can you form a resistance to Benadryl and Tylenol PM? They don't seem to be as effective as they used to be for me. And my doctor isn't being helpful in that department. He doesn't want to prescribe anything else.

* I'm really enjoying learning Italian. I'm using several websites, a couple of iPhone apps, and a good old fashioned textbook to help myself learn. The textbook is helping with the basics of the language and the apps and websites help me out a lot when I need to hear the correct pronunciation of the words I'm learning. It's a challenge, but fun!

* I'm really debating on whether or not to go home this summer. It seems like a lot of emotional and mental turmoil waiting to happen. I'm just so unsure. So for now all summer plans are on hold...

* I've decided no on the tattoo, but yes on the boobs!!!! But that can change at any given moment, I'm sure.

I would say I'm looking forward to the weekend, but I'm not. It'll be work, work and more work for me. I hope everyone's doing something more exciting than I am!

Suicide

I feel like I may regret this post sometime in the future, but at this moment I need to get it out. For months now, I have been desperately fighting near-constant thoughts of suicide. These thoughts started right after my miscarriage. Over the last 6 months, they have lessened at times and have become overwhelming at other times, but they have never fully gone away. I am in the midst of the latter right now. Thoughts of dying and death have become a steady train of thought for me. I have seen a doctor and therapist about these thoughts. Just recently my doctor upped my dosage of anti-depressants to help, but so far nothing has come of it.

I've read that the idea of suicide occurs when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. That is where I am right now. I am desperately hurting over my miscarriage, my health issues, my emotional battles with my "family", and so many other things. Right now in my life, I am utterly overwhelmed with pain and grief. I wake up sad every single day. I think constantly of the baby I should be giving birth to in a matter of days. I am still in constant pain from my surgery. I think of the incredible amounts of money I owe from both of those ordeals. I am exhausted by the people , who some would call their "family", who I try to love and open myself up to, only to be shut down and hurt time and again. At this point all my pain seems larger than life. It fills up my body, it pours out my eyes, my mouth, my fingers, my bones, everywhere.

I just want to escape the pain. I want to make it stop. Some days, death seems beautiful and peaceful. It seems like an answer.

But I know it isn't. Sky would not leave for work today until I promised to be alive when he came home. And I will be. I do have to work today, and I don't want to call in. But after work I do believe I will be taking myself to the doctor, yet again, in another attempt to stop feeling the way I'm feeling. Because I have tried and nothing is working.

I hate when people tell me how strong I am. That I can just stop these thoughts. That I can make it through this. But I'm tired of being strong. NOBODY is THAT STRONG. I need help. I can't do this alone anymore. If I could stop these thoughts, I would have a long time ago. I just need a break. I need relief. Where is it?

#75 Learn Italian or Spanish

Okay, for the record I want to learn both! But my current reading (Eat, Pray, Love) has inspired me to learn Italian! So far I can count to 10, I know the months, days of the week, colors, and a smattering of other words and phrases (coffee, snow, book, hello, good-bye, I love you and I am hungry to name a few!). This is so exciting!!! I love to learn!!!

Friday Mind Dump

* The weather has been yucky the last few days. That wouldn't be so bad if I didn't drive a convertible that currently has no top on it. I've taken to driving around wearing a bright yellow rain slicker! I've gotten some looks but it keeps me dry!

* Very suddenly I am missing Atlanta. A bunch. Could it have something to do with a text convo I had with a friend recently? Why, yes, I think so. Don't you know how easily I am swayed by now? Hmmph. Besides, my love for Atlanta has always been the deepest at spring time. Life in Atlanta in Spring is perfection.

* The bugs have found me again. I have countless no-see-um bites. Boo. But I have rediscovered Skin So Soft, which Granny used to douse on us as children. It keeps the bugs away, but it smells funny! Brings back good memories though.

* I spent $67 at the grocery store yesterday. Here's what I left with: a mini watermelon, a pound of carrots, one squash, one pound of grapes, a bag of pretzels, a pound of chicken, a pound of ground beef, a bag of black beans and rice, a peach cobbler and a bag of ice. How far can $67 get you?

* I'm going through tv withdrawals!!!! The VI went digital so our tv is out until we get cable. And with everything I've heard about the local cable company's customer service, it will be some time before that happens.

* I'm very much looking forward to my next counseling session. It's not for another two weeks, so I'm trying to be patient!

* I'm finally reading Eat, Pray, Love and I can't put it down!! I don't know why it took me so long to start it, but now that I have I am in love with the story and her writing style. I'm even more in love with the book than I am with the movie!

* I've been obsessed with the mini series "Rome" lately. It is extremely graphic and violent, but also very interesting and kind of sexy!

* My intense need to have a dog has passed. Was it a phase or a genuine wish? I'm not sure. We'll see!

* I have put every good vibe I can think of out into the Universe to help me get this job I want so badly! Maybe if you send good vibes too it'll happen for me?! :)


I hope everyone has something wonderful planned for this weekend. I'll be working away! Happy Friday!!!!

In Honor Of...

Happy Barbershop Quartet Day! Here's a clip of one of my all-time favorite actress/singer in honor of today:

Happy Sunday!

I'm determined to be a happy girl! Before I got out of bed this morning I thought of all the things in life that I'm happy and grateful for. I'm still feeling blue, but I'm resolving to keep thinking positively. Isn't that what the saying "Fake it, til you make it!" means?! I'm not always the best at it, but I'm just going to keep trying!

I'm happy to be winding down my work morning. It has been a bit hectic at the Inn here today! In a few minutes I'll be heading towards a much needed counseling session. And if this pretty weather holds up, I'll be heading to the beach after that. I'm really looking forward to that since it's been weeks since my toes have been in the ocean!!!

Happy Sunday all!!!!

Struggle

I have been struggling emotionally lately. I have been doing my best to keep busy, be around people, think  positively, stay active and all of the other usual suggestions. I've gone to the doctor on several occasions. As a matter of fact I have another appointment tomorrow. I feel like I'm doing everything "right" and getting nowhere. It makes me feel a little hopeless. It makes me feel like I should just give up and fake my way through it until something gets better. Is that what everyone else does?!

Everyday is a Holiday!

Did you know that just about every single day of the year is a holiday? For instance today is Draw a Picture of a Bird Day!! How interesting!! A few of my favorites:

- National Deep Dish Pizza Day (April 5th)
- National Margarita Day (February 22nd)
- National Kiss Day (January 19th)
- Positive Thinking Day (September 13th)
- Book Lover's Day (August 9th)

Go here: Holiday Insights or Google "everyday is a holiday" for tons of websites with international, standard and bizzare holidays that are celebrated! Let me know your favorites:)

Happy Friday all!!

I'm having a rough day. Last night was a rough night. I feel lost.

Living Aloha

So... I want to move. Again. I've decided my next destination will be Hawaii!! I don't know why I feel so restless lately, but I'm taking the feeling and going with it. I have no mortgage, or kids or any real obligations for that matter, that would hold me in one place. I am young and (relatively) healthy, so off I go! Maybe one of these days I will fall in love with a place enough to want to be there for more than a year or so at a time.

I've been doing non-stop research on Hawaii and Oahu in particular, the island I think I'll be happiest on. I'm trying to get as good of an idea as I can about the cost of living, schools, housing and job market. The only decision I'm still mulling over is whether or not to vacation there first, or just take the leap and move without exploring it. I know logically it would seem like vacationing first is a no-brainer. But I can say from my experience in moving to the Virgin Islands that visiting before moving is nowhere near the same as residing here. I came down to St John four times before I moved here. And I still had a very difficult time adjusting to life on the island. I've come to the conclusion that the only way to really understand how it feels to live somewhere, is to live there!

If I do decide to vacation and then move, I don't think I'll be ready until early next year. If I decide to throw caution to the wind and just go, I'm hoping to be there by Christmas of this year. We'll see what happens! Wish me luck!!

Baby or No Baby?

For some reason, lately, I am really struggling with the decision of whether or not to have children. Let me be clear that I in NO WAY mean anytime soon. I mean in my lifetime. I realistically can't see having children in the next 5 or 6 years, much less right now. I'm not sure why it's on my mind so heavily. Maybe my age has something to do with it? Let me tell you that I no longer believe "ticking biological clock" is a metaphor. I think about babies and children every single day. Some days I know for "certain" that I want kids. And some days you couldn't pay me enough money in the world to get pregnant again. And then again on some days I think maybe adopting or fostering is the path my life will take in the children department. I try not to think about it, but again, it is something that constantly runs through my head on a daily basis.

In saying that, I've come across some interesting reading lately. I have lots of Child-Free friends in a forum that I frequent. They passed on an article about choosing to live a CF lifestyle which is a possibility:
The No Baby Boom

For now I figure I have a good 8 to 10 years before I really have to decide on the whole baby thing. But then again maybe something will happen between now and then to really sway me one way or the other! That still doesn't stop me from thinking about this EVERY SINGLE DAY, but at least I have a cushion of a few years. Until then, an IUD will be my best friend:)

Sunday Mind Dump

* Since my blood transfusion the mosquitoes and no see-ums are much kinder to me. Coincidence? I don't think so!

* I miss D and S more than words!!!! What I wouldn't give to be kept up until 1am by my two favorite giggling girls:)

* I just ran up the stairs for the first time in a month! And then it hurt. But it was fun while I was doing it!

* I'm pretty sure I look kinda hot today. I think.

* There is someone I want to say "You were right" to but I'm too embarrassed. Well that and I'm not sure they even care. So I'll say it here: "You were right!".

* I am obsessed with all things Hawaii these days!!! I want to go soooo badly!!!!!

* I'm not sure if I'm just going through a phase or if I'm just picking the wrong books, but I'm bored by EVERYTHING I'm reading these days. Nothing is holding my attention. It's frustrating.

* I'm recently addicted to Twitter. As if I need anymore time wasters in my life!

* It dawned on me that if I wear heavy duty yellow gloves to clean, that I'm a much better cleaner! They make me brave:)

* I'm excited to see The Simpsons tonight!! And Family Guy!!

I hope everyone had an amazing weekend!!! Happy Sunday evening:)

Try, Try Again

Is the Universe trying to tell me something? The last 4 times I made appointments for counseling, something has happened. The first counselor I started seeing right after my miscarriage decided she could no longer work with me after only a few sessions. And then the holidays rolled around and I couldn't get in touch with anyone. After the first of the year I found another counselor to start seeing, but he cancelled my appointment due to a family emergency. I never heard from him again! Then I found another therapist but because of my work schedule I kept putting the appointment off. And then I moved back to St John. I found a therapist here that I planned on seeing. I even had an appointment! But then I had the whole hospital debacle and had to cancel my appointment. I have yet to call her back.

Why on earth am I not able to find and keep a counselor? Is the Universe telling me something?! I do believe everything happens for a reason! Maybe I just haven't found the right one yet...