Missing Pieces

I know this is so selfish of me, and I don't like being this way, but it feels like a dagger in my heart every single time I hear about someone being pregnant or giving birth. It literally hurts to hear other's happy baby news. It bothers me that I feel this way. I wonder when, or if, these feelings will ever subside.

I thought making it past my due date would somehow bring me closure. I imagined that it would be a metaphorical door closing on my sadness and grief; I imagined it being left behind for good. It hasn't been that way. Now instead of silently keeping track of how far along in my pregnancy I should be, I'm silently keeping track of how old my baby would be. This pain is heartbreaking and never far from my mind. I'm not sure if anyone, not even Sky, knows how often I think of my Blueberry.

There's a missing piece, a hole in my heart, a chunk of my soul gone. In its place are tears and heartache. Life is so cruel and unfair sometimes. I'm angry and sad that this is something that I'll carry around for the rest of my life.

Suicide

I feel like I may regret this post sometime in the future, but at this moment I need to get it out. For months now, I have been desperately fighting near-constant thoughts of suicide. These thoughts started right after my miscarriage. Over the last 6 months, they have lessened at times and have become overwhelming at other times, but they have never fully gone away. I am in the midst of the latter right now. Thoughts of dying and death have become a steady train of thought for me. I have seen a doctor and therapist about these thoughts. Just recently my doctor upped my dosage of anti-depressants to help, but so far nothing has come of it.

I've read that the idea of suicide occurs when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. That is where I am right now. I am desperately hurting over my miscarriage, my health issues, my emotional battles with my "family", and so many other things. Right now in my life, I am utterly overwhelmed with pain and grief. I wake up sad every single day. I think constantly of the baby I should be giving birth to in a matter of days. I am still in constant pain from my surgery. I think of the incredible amounts of money I owe from both of those ordeals. I am exhausted by the people , who some would call their "family", who I try to love and open myself up to, only to be shut down and hurt time and again. At this point all my pain seems larger than life. It fills up my body, it pours out my eyes, my mouth, my fingers, my bones, everywhere.

I just want to escape the pain. I want to make it stop. Some days, death seems beautiful and peaceful. It seems like an answer.

But I know it isn't. Sky would not leave for work today until I promised to be alive when he came home. And I will be. I do have to work today, and I don't want to call in. But after work I do believe I will be taking myself to the doctor, yet again, in another attempt to stop feeling the way I'm feeling. Because I have tried and nothing is working.

I hate when people tell me how strong I am. That I can just stop these thoughts. That I can make it through this. But I'm tired of being strong. NOBODY is THAT STRONG. I need help. I can't do this alone anymore. If I could stop these thoughts, I would have a long time ago. I just need a break. I need relief. Where is it?

Baby Blues

My sweet Blueberry is on my mind. I have cried more in the last two days than I have cried in weeks. I have the Baby Blues, though not in the traditional sense of the phrase.

Did I ever share that I think our Blueberry was a little boy? I often wonder what he would look like. Would he have Sky's eyes? My smile? What would his hair be like? What shade of brown would his soft, baby skin be? What nicknames would we have come up with for him? I used to imagine calling him to come eat his dinner. And picking up bugs. And wrestling with Sky. I think about that little boy all of the time.

"How very softly 

You tiptoed into our world

Almost silently;

Only a moment you stayed.

But what an imprint

Your footprints have left

Upon our hearts."

- Dorothy Ferguson

Not My Secret...

... but at the same time it is. I found this on http://www.postsecret.com/ . This is something you should NEVER, EVER say to someone grieving any kind of loss. But oh, I heard it a million and one times...

Next time, try a hug. Or an "I'm sorry" will do. I know this seems harsh. But please, please, please don't hurt someone more by trying to say something you think is comforting. It's not.

Crazy Girl

I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm hysterical, I'm heart-broken, I'm laughing then crying and this is all before lunch. One minute I love Atlanta, then I want to move half way across the world. Some days I love my job and others it feels almost impossible to be around children. At times I feel like I will never be sad again and at times I feel as if I could literally cry forever. I lose my train of thought very easily, I forget words, food doesn't taste good anymore and I have a love-hate relationship with sleep. I. FEEL. CRAZY.

When will this get better? When will I even out? I still have sad moments every single day. I didn't really have any idea of how this would play out emotionally, physically or mentally but this is certainly not what I expected. Not that I really expected to lose my baby, then my relationship, then my mind, but I didn't expect life to fall apart. And that's what it feels like. I don't feel as if I know who I am anymore.The things I used to like, the activities I used to enjoy, my favorite foods, the small pleasures in life that used to fill up my soul, all my hopes and dreams, everything I knew and loved slipped through my fingers and shattered at my feet. I don't know anything anymore. And I'm not sure how to get it back.

Everyone tells me it will take time, that things will get better, that there's a light at the end of the tunnel and all of the other clichéd phrases that go along with tragedy and sadness. I know that. But what I don't know, and what no one can tell me, is what do I do in the meantime? Yes, the hurt will hurt less in 3 months, 6 months, a year. But what do I do today? What do I do when it's bedtime, and I'm all alone and the tears won't stop and the hurt seems bigger than the entire world? When the simplest comfort a human can have, someone else holding them, is something that I don't have? I don't know the answer to that, and so far neither does anyone else. But I guess the only thing to do is trudge through, one day at a time, and hope the grief doesn't kill me.

Bad Day

Today has been a bad day. Not all of it, not the entire day, but in this moment I am full of grief and pain and loss and hurt and it's overwhelming. I don't know how to drag myself out of these feelings when they descend on me. I don't know when, or if, I'll ever feel like my old self again. I feel cursed, punished, singled out for this misery somehow. I just want to stop hurting. I wonder if that day will ever come. But for now I will just lose myself and drown in tears.

Dealing

It has been so hard to deal with the loss of our sweet baby. There is not a day, an hour, or even a minute that goes by that I don't think of the little person I carried in my body for 13 weeks. I have had some major meltdowns in the past few weeks. I've, sadly, gotten very comfortable crying in public and in front of anyone really. My most embarrassing and public episode was in Publix about 10 days or so ago. And these meltdowns are not just tears. They are tears and anger and sometimes screaming and sometimes hyperventilating. So very embarrassing, but true. But better out than in, right? I am trying my best to deal with these crazy mood swings and rampant emotions. They are getting better everyday. Even now, it's been two days since I last cried. This is definitely improvement, as not too long ago I would only go hours between crying. Everyday feels a teeny, tiny bit better. Although some days it's definitely one step forward, five steps back for me. And as much as I hate being back on this island, being with Sky is helping tremendously.

I've been meaning to call a counseling service that my sister provided me a number for. I will absolutely get around to it because I know that I need help. This loss this has hit me hard. I would love to hear about some constructive and concrete ways to deal with my grief and anger. Right now I have little things that make me hurt less about this whole thing. One of them is holding my little niece Sadie. She is such a sweet and happy baby and I found that when I held her I was sweet and happy too. She's like my little shield of light and I think Denise noticed this. Whenever I was sad or lonely or feeling out of place, Denise seemed to feel it and would hand her to me and I instantly felt so much better and happier. Unfortunately my little halo of light and love is in Atlanta and I am here in St John. Another is my sister. She took care of me better than I could have ever hoped for. Just being around her made my heart feel happy. But again, we are thousands of miles apart right now. Another thing I've done, as petty and mean as this seems, was to block any and everyone with baby news from my Facebook feed. I know this is so mean, but I can't see everyone's happiness when I lost my own. One day I will be able to look at other's sonograms and belly pictures, but now is not that time. I just can't do it. It's more painful than I can describe. And of course I pretty much stay away from anything online, in real life or on TV about pregnancy and babies. Which is sort of hard to do! Babies and pregnancy are such a huge part of life that it's everywhere. But again, right now I just can't deal.

I can't wait for the day that I feel like myself! I can't wait to be that happy, carefree girl full of smiles with her whole life ahead of her! I know she's in there somewhere, I just have to coax her out again. In the meantime I'll be waiting not so patiently!

If at first you don't suceed...

I'm heading back to St John. This "move" to Atlanta has, needless to say, been a really rough one. So, my plan? Or should I say Sky's persistent suggestion? That I come back to St John to recuperate, regroup, and try this whole thing one more time after things settle a bit. After fighting tooth and nail about it with him (I don't wanna leave!!) I've agreed that he has rather valid points. It has been very hard to deal with this tragedy without my fiance and father of my child by my side. And it's been just as hard for him. Plus the holidays are quickly approaching. Between the miscarriage and Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, this is definitely not the time for either of us to be alone. So back I go. But it won't be forever!

I'm not the happiest about leaving my friends and family so soon after getting reconnected, but it's what I have to do for now. I was really hoping to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas in a traditional way this year, complete with sweaters and fires and lots of family around! I'll have to settle for 85 degree weather and bikinis and rum drinks. But when I put it that way it doesn't sound so bad! So on that note I'm going to stop my bitching and enjoy the fact that in just a couple of days I'll be back in the arms of the man I love, on a tropical island in paradise!!! How about that for a silver lining?

Night

Night is the worst. I'm alone. I think. I cry. And cry. And cry. When will this pain get better?

Goodbye

Sky and I lost our baby, our sweet little blueberry. On October 24th, exactly 2 months after we found out we were expecting our little one, we found out that our baby had no heartbeat. This has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. Some people may not understand our grief since we were only 13 weeks into the pregnancy. At times I've even been surprised at the depth of my grief and the force of my tears. But we were so joyful when we found out about this baby. We loved this little guy already. We had hopes and dreams and plans and even a nickname for this little person growing inside of me. When I found out that I was miscarrying my heart and soul felt like it was being ripped apart. I have never felt so broken-hearted or hurt or angry or sad in all my life. My body literally ached from the emotional pain I was in. For the first couple of days I cried almost non stop it seems. I would go to sleep or take a nap and wake up forgetting all about what happen, only to have it hit me in the stomach with full force again. I never in a millions years imagined that this would be the outcome of my pregnancy.

It's hard for me to find much to be thankful about these days. But I am so thankful and grateful for a loving and supportive fiance, even from thousands of miles away. I know I could never get through this without him. And I definitely owe so much to my sister, who took me in, made sure that I ate, held me when I cried, and spent hours with me just letting me talk and helping me to see that some day I will be okay and life will be happy again. Right now my grief is too overwhelming to see that, but I know I'll get there. I just have to take it one day at a time.