Hindsight

Yes, hindsight is 20/20. Sometimes love blinds you, fools you, lulls you into a false sense of security. Not to take anything from the fact that everything happens for a reason and lessons were learned, but a piece of me wishes I stumbled upon this article 10 months ago. Of course I probably would have dismissed it anyway! And even though it seems like common sense, it's still an interesting but quick read. Are You Ready for a Baby or Not?

Baby or No Baby?

For some reason, lately, I am really struggling with the decision of whether or not to have children. Let me be clear that I in NO WAY mean anytime soon. I mean in my lifetime. I realistically can't see having children in the next 5 or 6 years, much less right now. I'm not sure why it's on my mind so heavily. Maybe my age has something to do with it? Let me tell you that I no longer believe "ticking biological clock" is a metaphor. I think about babies and children every single day. Some days I know for "certain" that I want kids. And some days you couldn't pay me enough money in the world to get pregnant again. And then again on some days I think maybe adopting or fostering is the path my life will take in the children department. I try not to think about it, but again, it is something that constantly runs through my head on a daily basis.

In saying that, I've come across some interesting reading lately. I have lots of Child-Free friends in a forum that I frequent. They passed on an article about choosing to live a CF lifestyle which is a possibility:
The No Baby Boom

For now I figure I have a good 8 to 10 years before I really have to decide on the whole baby thing. But then again maybe something will happen between now and then to really sway me one way or the other! That still doesn't stop me from thinking about this EVERY SINGLE DAY, but at least I have a cushion of a few years. Until then, an IUD will be my best friend:)

Baby Blues

My sweet Blueberry is on my mind. I have cried more in the last two days than I have cried in weeks. I have the Baby Blues, though not in the traditional sense of the phrase.

Did I ever share that I think our Blueberry was a little boy? I often wonder what he would look like. Would he have Sky's eyes? My smile? What would his hair be like? What shade of brown would his soft, baby skin be? What nicknames would we have come up with for him? I used to imagine calling him to come eat his dinner. And picking up bugs. And wrestling with Sky. I think about that little boy all of the time.

"How very softly 

You tiptoed into our world

Almost silently;

Only a moment you stayed.

But what an imprint

Your footprints have left

Upon our hearts."

- Dorothy Ferguson

My Sweet Little Blueberry

Baby Blueberry has been on my mind so much this week. I would have been 5 months pregnant on Christmas Day. I know that I shouldn't do this, keep this mental count in my head, but it is impossible not to. My EDD, my LMP and how far along I would be now is etched in stone on my heart. There is no denying that. And even after all I've been through, all I've lost, all the pain and tears and hurt, I will never, ever regret the life of my sweet little baby. This picture was taken very soon after I found out I was pregnant. I will never forget the excitement, fear, love, hope, anxiety and joy I felt at finding out that I had a small life inside of me. There was a time that I couldn't even come close to looking at these photos (I took lots!). But lately it has been a comfort to remember. Which is the reason I share.

You can't tell but there's a little baby in there the size of a blueberry:)

Goodbye

Sky and I lost our baby, our sweet little blueberry. On October 24th, exactly 2 months after we found out we were expecting our little one, we found out that our baby had no heartbeat. This has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. Some people may not understand our grief since we were only 13 weeks into the pregnancy. At times I've even been surprised at the depth of my grief and the force of my tears. But we were so joyful when we found out about this baby. We loved this little guy already. We had hopes and dreams and plans and even a nickname for this little person growing inside of me. When I found out that I was miscarrying my heart and soul felt like it was being ripped apart. I have never felt so broken-hearted or hurt or angry or sad in all my life. My body literally ached from the emotional pain I was in. For the first couple of days I cried almost non stop it seems. I would go to sleep or take a nap and wake up forgetting all about what happen, only to have it hit me in the stomach with full force again. I never in a millions years imagined that this would be the outcome of my pregnancy.

It's hard for me to find much to be thankful about these days. But I am so thankful and grateful for a loving and supportive fiance, even from thousands of miles away. I know I could never get through this without him. And I definitely owe so much to my sister, who took me in, made sure that I ate, held me when I cried, and spent hours with me just letting me talk and helping me to see that some day I will be okay and life will be happy again. Right now my grief is too overwhelming to see that, but I know I'll get there. I just have to take it one day at a time.

It's Official!!

Sky and I have decided to move back home. We're heading back to Atlanta!!! I am beyond delighted; Sky is (understandably) a little less enthused. While I'm in love with and am used to living in a big city, Sky is pretty much the opposite. He grew up and lived on small islands and small towns pretty much his whole life. So I guess the idea of living in a big, bustling city is a bit overwhelming to him.

I, on the other hand, am so excited for all the things that a big city has to offer us right now! One of the reasons we're moving from the VI is the healthcare. The healthcare here is less than stellar. I had a scare two weeks ago that could have been solved by a simple sonogram. Well, as it turns out, there isn't an ultrasound machine on the island. Or a hospital. Or even a doctor. They, of course, have clinics and nurse practitioners here. But this doesn't give me enough confidence or comfort to go through 9 months of pregnancy, labor, and caring for a newborn. As for Atlanta we wouldn't be more than 15 minutes away from doctors, hospitals and specialists should something go wrong.

Another reason we've decided to make the move is our families. I have never felt a stronger need to be around my family and friends as I feel now. I guess it's something about bringing a little person in the world that makes you want to surround yourself by the familiar and comforting. Besides I think it's perfect that most of my friends back home are moms anyway. And my sister just had a sweet little baby (Happy 2 months Sadie Baby!). There's nothing better than being around people in the same stage of life as you are!!

The last (logical) reason we are moving back is the cost of living. Here's a sample of a few things we pick up at the grocery store each week and their prices here:

Gallon of milk- $6
Loaf of bread- $5
Box of cereal- $7
Frozen pizza- $ 13
Dozen eggs- $3
1/2 Pound of turkey- $6
Bag of chips- $5

I could go on but it's depressing!! On average a trip to the grocery store for 1 1/2 meals (dinner and some leftovers) we spend about $28 to $35. A large majority of our income goes to eating. The rest of life here is pretty expensive too! Gas is about $3.65 a gallon right now. We live in a pretty tiny studio apartment that costs us $750 a month. Pretty much the only thing that's cheap here is liquor, which is no longer a pro for me! All of this on top of the fact that on average jobs here pay 15% to 30% less than in the States. This math does not add up when you're looking to build a life and a family!!

So those are the "real" reasons we're moving back to Atlanta. I feel confident in the fact that we've made this decision based on logic and fact! And that's how I presented it to Sky which is why I think he's fine with it. If he knew some of my PERSONAL reasons for wanting to move back, he would think I'm nuts. I really want to move back so I can decorate the nursery from Target and Pottery Barn. And I really want to start taking prenatal yoga in Piedmont Park. And find a mommy group ITP. And I can't wait to sign up for Music classes, specifically at Toco Hills so I can get Miss Berne. And let's not forget Gymboree!! I want to do all the fun, silly things you can do when you're a mommy!! To me these are just as good as the real reasons I listed above.

Either way, back home we go!! I hope one day he learns to love Atlanta as much as I do, but until then I can love it enough for all 3 of us!!!!

Beautiful, Wonderful, Amazing News!!!!

Sky and I are so excited to announce that we're expecting our first baby!!!!! Yes, I'm PREGNANT!!!!!! We found out very shortly before we got engaged that we're having a baby. We thought it was a good idea to wait just a bit before we announced it to everyone!!! We are both so full of joy and love for this little one already!!!! My EDD (Estimated Date of Delivery) is May 1st. I'm going to be a May Mommy!!!!! I couldn't be happier or more in love with my life right now:)