Free Stuff

Here's another freebie!! I'm a music junkie and I am constantly downloading music. Denise told me about a code to get 3 free songs. Go to Amazon.com under the MP3 section to download your 3 free songs. Use the code GET3MP3S and voila!! Free music!! And who doesn't like that? But make sure you hurry!! The code expires November 29th at midnight!!

Free Stuff

My sister is a GENIUS at couponing and getting free stuff. And I want to share a tiny bit of what I've learned from her!! She is signed up to so many websites that show you how to get things for free or at a very deep discount. Today's free item: a picture collage from Walgreens.com. Simply upload your photos, make your collage and at check-out use the code BFCOLLAGE and it's free. Pick it up at the store to avoid shipping costs. To get a second free collage (like I did!) go through the same steps but use the code THANKSGIVING. Both of these codes expire this week so hurry!! And you're welcome:) Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Sleep

For the last few weeks, sleep and I have not been getting along. When do sleep issues turn into insomnia? I wonder if that's what I'm suffering from. It's not fun. And being tired makes me cranky, as I imagine is does for most people. I really, really, really want my sleep back!

So Romantic

Today Sky and I won a once in a lifetime prize!! Right after we got engaged I, of course, was obsessed with all things bride and wedding related. I joined The Knot so I could start getting ideas about what we wanted on our wedding day. At the time there was a contest on The Knot website. All you had to do was upload a picture of yourself and your fiancé and tell a little bit about how you met and your engagement story. I thought it seemed like a cute idea so I entered and forgot about it.

Fast forward to today! I received an email saying that Sky and I actually won the contest!! An associate at The Knot told me that we were the runners up, but one of the couples had to drop out so would we like to take their place? I was so excited that I was shaking and barely heard a word that she said!!!!

So our prize? We, along with 13 other couples, are getting married at the Empire State Building on Valentine's Day!!!! It turns out that the only day that you can marry there is on Valentine's Day!!!! And you have to apply and be chosen for it!!!!  We are so excited (can you tell?!!!) and grateful for this. And boy did this good news come at just the right time.

So the rush is on for me to find a dress, a suit for Sky, book accommodations to NYC and choose the 20 people we'd like at the ceremony. I think that last part will be the hardest since we want everyone we know and love to celebrate our day together!! The consolation is that we plan to invite any and everyone up to NYC for the weekend to help us celebrate and party, even if we can't take everyone to the ceremony. And we definitely plan on having a big celebration here in Georgia late next year for those who can't make it.

This really changes all of the plans that we had going for our wedding, but you don't look a gift horse in the mouth! Besides isn't getting married in one of the most amazing cities in the world, in one of the most iconic buildings in history, on the most romantic day ever just a dream come true?! It certainly is for us!!

Christmas Cards!

Christmas cards totally skipped my mind until I saw someone post on Facebook about finishing theirs. And then I got excited!!!!! It never occurred to me to send out personal Christmas cards before, but this year we can!! I'm trying to decide which website has the best designs and deals. So far I've heard good things about Walgreens and Shutterfly. I'm thinking this should be super easy since Sky and I have already picked out the picture we want to use. So excited!!

Hugs and Kisses

... make life so much better. I am so grateful for everyone who has shown me these simple, little gestures. They really, really make a world of difference. Would I be here without these small tokens of love and kindness? I think not.

Dealing

It has been so hard to deal with the loss of our sweet baby. There is not a day, an hour, or even a minute that goes by that I don't think of the little person I carried in my body for 13 weeks. I have had some major meltdowns in the past few weeks. I've, sadly, gotten very comfortable crying in public and in front of anyone really. My most embarrassing and public episode was in Publix about 10 days or so ago. And these meltdowns are not just tears. They are tears and anger and sometimes screaming and sometimes hyperventilating. So very embarrassing, but true. But better out than in, right? I am trying my best to deal with these crazy mood swings and rampant emotions. They are getting better everyday. Even now, it's been two days since I last cried. This is definitely improvement, as not too long ago I would only go hours between crying. Everyday feels a teeny, tiny bit better. Although some days it's definitely one step forward, five steps back for me. And as much as I hate being back on this island, being with Sky is helping tremendously.

I've been meaning to call a counseling service that my sister provided me a number for. I will absolutely get around to it because I know that I need help. This loss this has hit me hard. I would love to hear about some constructive and concrete ways to deal with my grief and anger. Right now I have little things that make me hurt less about this whole thing. One of them is holding my little niece Sadie. She is such a sweet and happy baby and I found that when I held her I was sweet and happy too. She's like my little shield of light and I think Denise noticed this. Whenever I was sad or lonely or feeling out of place, Denise seemed to feel it and would hand her to me and I instantly felt so much better and happier. Unfortunately my little halo of light and love is in Atlanta and I am here in St John. Another is my sister. She took care of me better than I could have ever hoped for. Just being around her made my heart feel happy. But again, we are thousands of miles apart right now. Another thing I've done, as petty and mean as this seems, was to block any and everyone with baby news from my Facebook feed. I know this is so mean, but I can't see everyone's happiness when I lost my own. One day I will be able to look at other's sonograms and belly pictures, but now is not that time. I just can't do it. It's more painful than I can describe. And of course I pretty much stay away from anything online, in real life or on TV about pregnancy and babies. Which is sort of hard to do! Babies and pregnancy are such a huge part of life that it's everywhere. But again, right now I just can't deal.

I can't wait for the day that I feel like myself! I can't wait to be that happy, carefree girl full of smiles with her whole life ahead of her! I know she's in there somewhere, I just have to coax her out again. In the meantime I'll be waiting not so patiently!

If at first you don't suceed...

I'm heading back to St John. This "move" to Atlanta has, needless to say, been a really rough one. So, my plan? Or should I say Sky's persistent suggestion? That I come back to St John to recuperate, regroup, and try this whole thing one more time after things settle a bit. After fighting tooth and nail about it with him (I don't wanna leave!!) I've agreed that he has rather valid points. It has been very hard to deal with this tragedy without my fiance and father of my child by my side. And it's been just as hard for him. Plus the holidays are quickly approaching. Between the miscarriage and Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, this is definitely not the time for either of us to be alone. So back I go. But it won't be forever!

I'm not the happiest about leaving my friends and family so soon after getting reconnected, but it's what I have to do for now. I was really hoping to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas in a traditional way this year, complete with sweaters and fires and lots of family around! I'll have to settle for 85 degree weather and bikinis and rum drinks. But when I put it that way it doesn't sound so bad! So on that note I'm going to stop my bitching and enjoy the fact that in just a couple of days I'll be back in the arms of the man I love, on a tropical island in paradise!!! How about that for a silver lining?

So Productive!!

I'm so proud of myself!! These last few days have been so productive for me. I have a to do list a mile long but I'm slowly checking it off. I've been to the doctor for my final visit, thank God! I've had my car in two different auto repair shops getting various (and expensive!) things fixed on it. I've had to do my emissions, and get my tags updated. I've found a storage unit that I have to start moving my things into tomorrow. And I have to yet to see any of my friends since coming back! So this weekend is dedicated to quality time for my friends and family. Especially since I'm heading back to St John for a few weeks. I just need time to recuperate and be with Sky. And after the holidays are over, we'll be back on track with our plans for moving to Atlanta.

Today has been a good day. Since all of my errands for the day are done I'm hanging out with my favorite girls (Denise & Sadie) and feeling like life is pretty okay. I hope it only gets better from here on out!!

Night

Night is the worst. I'm alone. I think. I cry. And cry. And cry. When will this pain get better?

Delight of the Day

How did I forget the absolutely loveliness and joy of musicals?!?! It's like I've discovered them all over again!! I'm currently watching Mamma Mia while continuing to be One with the couch. It makes me smile, even if only for 90 minutes:)

Gripe of the Day

My hormones are still out of wack. I'm so done with being angry, sad, happy, tired, disappointed, confused, and joyful all within a 60 minute period. And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. I can't wait until my hormones are back to normal. I feel like a crazy person.

Goodbye

Sky and I lost our baby, our sweet little blueberry. On October 24th, exactly 2 months after we found out we were expecting our little one, we found out that our baby had no heartbeat. This has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. Some people may not understand our grief since we were only 13 weeks into the pregnancy. At times I've even been surprised at the depth of my grief and the force of my tears. But we were so joyful when we found out about this baby. We loved this little guy already. We had hopes and dreams and plans and even a nickname for this little person growing inside of me. When I found out that I was miscarrying my heart and soul felt like it was being ripped apart. I have never felt so broken-hearted or hurt or angry or sad in all my life. My body literally ached from the emotional pain I was in. For the first couple of days I cried almost non stop it seems. I would go to sleep or take a nap and wake up forgetting all about what happen, only to have it hit me in the stomach with full force again. I never in a millions years imagined that this would be the outcome of my pregnancy.

It's hard for me to find much to be thankful about these days. But I am so thankful and grateful for a loving and supportive fiance, even from thousands of miles away. I know I could never get through this without him. And I definitely owe so much to my sister, who took me in, made sure that I ate, held me when I cried, and spent hours with me just letting me talk and helping me to see that some day I will be okay and life will be happy again. Right now my grief is too overwhelming to see that, but I know I'll get there. I just have to take it one day at a time.