Photography

I have such a huge appreciation and love for artistic expression of any kind: music, literature, dance, art, photography, poetry... You name it, I love it and wish I had the talent to pursue it! While I don't want to become a professional, I am enthralled with photography! I think I want to learn a few basics about better picture taking, how to work with different lighting, and generally how to take beautiful pictures. I'm on the hunt for a new camera now. And there's a photography class in St Thomas this summer that I'm hoping to sign up for! Besides, it definitely doesn't hurt to pick up another hobby to help relieve some of my island fever. And I could cross another thing off my 101 in 1001 list!

Oh and before I forget, I should add Happy Tuesday. I found out that it's not Monday about an hour ago. Why didn't anyone call me out on that?!

Monday Mind Dump

* Today I'm catching up on Glee and cleaning the house during commercials. I've made it to the season finale already. I'm sad that I have to go all summer with no Glee!!!

* The weather in St John seems so crazy this year! The winter was noticeably cooler and we've had a crazy amount of rainy, overcast days over the past couple of months. I am very much looking forward to a long, hot summer!

* I won't name names (how hard could it be to guess?) but someone likes to yell at me for how much dish soap I use. My comeback? My dishes are noticeably cleaner than his. For some reason he's also weird about how much laundry detergent I use. Maybe he's scared of soap? :)

* I adopted a new stuffed animal! He's a cute sailor bear named Myles! Love him!

* We still don't have cable. And renting movies at $4 a movie, per night is getting expensive! Hulu has become my best friend lately!

* Who invented mayonnaise? And who thought to put it on sandwiches?! Genius!

* Sky set a daily reminder for me to take my Zoloft. It says" Time to take your crazy pill lovey". I'm annoyed by it but also find it very cute!

I hope everyone is having a Happy Monday! I'm off to work:)

Time Wasters

I'm an expert at wasting time! Here's a website I recently found. It's fun, in a very sedate way! Check it out if you're bored.
Design Your Own Home

Love at First Sight

I do believe in love at first sight because it has happened to me several times. I know some people think "lust at first sight" is more probable, but that's not what happened in my case. I believe that human sexuality is more fluid than our society gives it credit for. I've always said that I can and do find girls beautiful. I can appreciate an attractive body, a nice smile, or pretty hair. But that doesn't mean I am attracted in a sexual way. So I think I can safely take "lust" off the table when talking about love at first sight.

*It happened to me a handful of years ago. I was visiting a friend in New York City for the week to do some shopping and sight-seeing. A few days into my trip we met some of his friends for wings and beer. So we're sitting in this restaurant laughing away with drinks and appetizers in front of us waiting for the rest of the group to arrive. There were maybe 5 or 6 of us when she walked in. I remember immediately feeling shy as she walked right up to me and introduced herself with a hug, saying she had heard so much about me. And suddenly I was very overwhelmed at her presence; it was all I could do to say hello back. I was blushing furiously and was at a loss for words. I'm hard pressed to find the words to convey even now how I was feeling! I can only describe it as being enthralled by her immensely. I wanted to be near here and hear any and everything she had to say and I wanted her to find me interesting and pretty. But the attraction I felt wasn't a sexual one. It was, however, a very instant and strong one. To this day I remember the feelings clearly, but I can't describe them save for the word "love". Strange, I know!

Another instance happened here in St. John while I was working at Big Planet. If you've never been to the store, it has three levels with the register being on the second floor, so customers have to walk up a stair case to purchase their items. I was behind the counter being my customary silly and talkative self with the customer I was helping. As I was laughing, I noticed a man walking up the stairs with a shirt in his hand. And, as it happened before, my breath caught, my laughter died and I was speechless. I was blushing so fiercely that I felt like a 13 year old with an uncontrollable crush. The man seemed handsome, yet ordinary enough. But his eyes stunned me and I had the strongest feeling that I knew this man, had been with this stranger before, though I am absolutely sure I had never met him. And again, I felt the intense urge to be near him and know him and... And what, I don't know! I remember my co-workers teasing me for my reaction. I was mortified that others were witnessing my obvious astonishment at what I was feeling. I can't recall what we talked about, because we did converse for maybe 10 minutes, but every passing second had me feeling surer and surer that I knew this man. And as the last time, the initial attraction wasn't that of a sensual nature. It was more a feeling of coming home, or recognizing a dear friend or lover after being apart for 20 years.

I'm not even sure describing these encounters as "love at first sight" is appropriate, but I'm not sure how else to characterize it. I do know that this has happened several times in my life. And every time it feels like a shock, then some sort of vague feeling of recognition and then the realization that I feel something very strongly for someone who was a mere stranger moments before. It's such an unsettling feeling when it happens, but also a very delicious, welcoming, warm sense of completion. So odd, but so exhilarating! I wonder what is transpiring when I feel this way. I also wonder if this is something anyone else has experienced... If anyone else has stories of love at first sight I would LOVE to hear about it!!


*I've changed details to protect the privacy of the people in my story.

$15

This is what $15 got me today! A box of cereal and a half gallon of organic milk.

Getting Married

I have to be honest! I definitely won't be tying the knot until I'm 100% sure but.... some days I can't wait to get married just to have the big party, beautiful dress and amazing food!!!

Suicide Prevention

This is a link to my friend Brian's page. He is an advocate and supporter of suicide prevention through the organization AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention). He, this website and the resources I have found through it have all been helpful to me during my struggle with depression and suicide.

If you know of anyone who is struggling, or you're going through this yourself, I encourage you to check out the website. And please pass it on to your friends and family and coworkers. There is still such a stigma surrounding these issues. We need to get this information out and be more willing to talk about it!

Brian Siegel's AFSP Page

Also feel free to email me any thoughts, comments or questions!

Love

"Don't be afraid to fall in love. It's the only thing that matters in life. Fall in love with as many things as possible."

Country Strong

Hindsight

Yes, hindsight is 20/20. Sometimes love blinds you, fools you, lulls you into a false sense of security. Not to take anything from the fact that everything happens for a reason and lessons were learned, but a piece of me wishes I stumbled upon this article 10 months ago. Of course I probably would have dismissed it anyway! And even though it seems like common sense, it's still an interesting but quick read. Are You Ready for a Baby or Not?

ABCs

A Age: 27

B. Bed size: Queen (for now!)

C. Chore that you hate: Cleaning the bathroom, hand washing the dishes

D. Dogs: None, yet!

E. Essential start to your day: Cuddles and bacon

F. Favorite color: PINK of course:)

G. Gold or Silver: Silver

H. Height: 5'4 1/2

I. Instruments you play: Sax, but I haven't played in almost 10 years!

J. Job title: Sales Associate

K. Karma: Yes I believe!!!!

L. Live: St. John, VI

M. Mother's name: Xenia

N. Nicknames: Babykins, Pumpkin Butt, Kourt, Pretty Girl

O. Overnight hospital stays: Two different times in the last year, which was traumatic and scary!!!!

P. Pet peeve: Rudeness, and being ignored

Q. Quote: "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." Eden Ahbez

R. Right or left handed: Right

S. Siblings: 3: Quinn, Denise and Eric

T. Time you wake up: Depends. I'm usually up around 7ish, but sometimes I go back to bed for a few hours...

U. Underwear: Not usually

V. Vegetable you hate: Mushrooms (unless they're stuffed with sausage!)

W. What makes you run late: Changing my clothes a million times

X. X-Rays you've had: Teeth and stomach

Y. Yummy food that you make: I'm an awesome brownie baker!!

Z. Zoo animal: I hate zoos. I think they're cruel. And stinky.

Zombie Apocalypse

Last night I had a dream about the Zombie Apocalypse. I don't remember a lot of details except that Sky and I were in an office or school building. We were trying to get away on a blue scooter because zombies were chasing after us. We started to get away but a crowd of zombies rushed us and knocked us off the scooter. I watched them kill Sky and then they attacked me. They ripped my head open to eat my brains. As Sky and I were lying on the ground dying, we held hands. Then I woke up.

It was such a scary, weird dream! I haven't watched anything about zombies in a while. But occasionally Sky and I do have the What Would We Do in the Event of (Zombies, earthquakes, tsunamis, the Apocalypse, or some other tragic occurrence) conversations. Which is totally normal, right?

Anyway, here's a funny article about the possibility of zombies. It's old, but amusing! 5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen

I Wanna Take You Higher

Tina Turner is a goddess. She is hands down my absolute favorite musician in the world. I love her more than... anything! She's an icon, she's a legend, she's an inspiration. I could go on, but I won't! Here's one of my favorite performances by her.

I Fell in Love

Sky and I have been looking around for a new place to settle into (again!). Yesterday we looked at a house described as a "Shackteau" and I absolutely fell head over heels in love with it. It was such a bright, open, adorable house. And super affordable. Everything we've been looking for! It's the kind of place I imagined living in here on the islands. The only downside was that it's only available as a short term rental. So we're passing on it to keep looking. I'm a tiny bit heartbroken over not being able to rent that house. All I can hope it that something perfect is going to find us, and very soon!!

Lovely Afternoon

Lunch with my friend Jim at Caneel Bay was wonderful! And I was a bit of a bad girl and had a couple of drinks even though I have to work in about an hour... I love Sex on the Beach!!! It's one of my favorites:)

Tuesday Mind Dump

* My apartment needs a good scrub down but I just can't find the energy or motivation to do it. I just dislike this apartment so much! I'm giving myself 30 more minutes of "play time" and then I'll start tackling it. I hope!

* I have a lunch date today! We're going to Caneel Bay for the buffet. I've never been but I hear it's yummy!

* I saw one of my ER doctors dancing in the parade at Carnival this last weekend! If you look at the photos I posted earlier, he's one of the guys in the bright, shiny metallic outfit. He even recognized me and waved! I thought it was hilarious! Only in the VI...

* I'm trying to upload videos from Carnival but the internet is soooo slow here that I'm not sure if they will ever finish loading!!

* I've started applying for jobs in Hawaii. I'm thinking of going as early as late summer. Yes, I'm really going!! Wish me luck!!

* One of my worst fears came true a few nights ago: I woke up to a palmetto bug (which is a nice way to say a huge, ugly, scary, you-know-what) running up my arm!!!!! I had a total freak out and then a melt down at 3am. Did I mention I hate my apartment? No matter how much we spray and spray and spray some more, they keep showing up. Thank goodness I only see one every few days. But still, that many is TOO many for me. Gross.

* I've been meditating and chanting again. Sometimes my meditation is just sitting quietly and listening to the sound of my breathing. Even a few months ago, sitting quietly was very hard for me. I would start thinking about everything and overwhelm myself and end up in tears. So I'm happy that I'm slowly getting back into it.

* There's the cutest, tiniest little lizard that lives in the store where I work. My boss and I named him Gordon, Gordie for short. I've tried to get pictures of him, but he's so tiny and fast! I think he's camera shy.

* There's a chance that Sky and I will be able to sail down island next month on a friend's boat. I hope it works out!! I would love to go!!

I hope everyone is having a good Tuesday so far. :)

St Thomas Carnival 2011

Here are a few pictures I took during the parade in St Thomas for Carnival this year. These shots aren't the greatest, but you'll get a vague idea of what the Carnival parade was like! I'll try to upload a few videos in my next post of the dancing and music!

Family Feud

There is something that's been weighing on my mind since that awful, nightmarish trip to Alaska last year: If you don't get along with your partner's family, can the relationship survive?

Sky's mother is one of the rudest, meanest people I have ever met in my life. I don't like her and she doesn't like me. She made this very clear on several occasions, including yesterday. After receiving the Mother's Day card we sent, she emailed Sky berating him for sending the card. She said she didn't want to have anything to do with me and asked why he couldn't understand that. This is just one of the many hateful, insulting things that she's done or said. Sky's brother is distant and can barely manage to say "Hi" to me, and that's if he decides to acknowledge my presence. And Sky's sister-in-law (his brother's wife) is just, well let's just say we'll never be more than passing strangers and I'm beyond fine with that.

While there is no love lost between me and Sky's family, the situation as a whole devastates me. The idea of a close family has always been important to me. My family is not, nor were they ever, close. I've always dreamed that I would meet and marry someone with a large, tight-knit family that I could be a part of. No such luck here.

The issues with Sky's family have definitely had a negative impact on our relationship. It's something that comes up frequently in arguments. And unfortunately I don't ever see it getting better. I guess the only thing to really do is wait and see how things work out.

An Aha! Moment

I'm reading a new book which I think has and will continue to change my perspective on life in a significant way. Buddhism: The Essence is an e-book written by David Tuffley that is described as explaining Buddhism in plain, easy to understand English. I was astounded when I had an Aha! Moment only minutes into the book. What I read stopped me in my tracks. I re-read the passage several times, and took a few minutes to really think about what it was stating, then I felt it just click. I just understood and was astounded that I never thought of things this way before. Here's what I read:



The Four Noble truths are the essence of the Buddha's teaching. They are believed to be the basis of the first sermon that he gave after becoming enlightened.

1. If you are alive, you will suffer

We humans are imperfect creatures, and the world in which we live is also imperfect. As we journey through life we are certain to suffer physical pain from illness and injury, and emotional pain from a host of psychological factors. But not all of our time is spent suffering. Sometimes we experience pleasure and enjoyment. A pleasure-seeking person heightens their suffering because this is an expectation that there should not be suffering in the first place. This expectation leads to self-pity; It's not fair! This shouldn't be happening! Why me?! The first noble truth therefore counsels people to regard suffering as unavoidable.

This was so shocking to me for some reason! I'm sure that this idea is not new, and I'm positive that I've come across this in some other form in my life either through people, books or television. But the reality of it is that this hit me as if I had never heard it before. Although I think I just never understood it in this way before.

Everything that's been going wrong for me, has in fact NOT been going wrong. Everything in my life has happened exactly as it should have. For me to think that it was "wrong" for my miscarriage to happen, for me to get sick and go to the hospital, my break-up with Sky, my falling out with my family... None of those things are wrong to have happened. They just happened. They weren't good or nice things, but obviously the Universe or God deemed them necessary things.


I have been so busy being angry with God for "punishing" me that it never occurred to me that it was selfish of me to think in that way. Life just happens. Good things can happen just as often as bad things. And if I accept pleasure and love and joy without question, then it stands to reason that I should do the same for disappointing, sad, hurtful things.


This has absolutely adjusted my outlook on life, especially what I've been through in the last year. I am continuing to read about Buddhism, and I'm starting to practice it again. I have a long way to go on this journey of self love, discovery, recovery, change and acceptance. But I think, at the very least, I'm heading in the right direction.

New Buddy

His name is Milton. A guest staying at St John Inn gave him to me! He's a good cuddle buddy (the shark, not the guest!). And yes, I wrote an entire post about a stuffed animal!

"Still I Rise"

A classic, a favorite.

Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.