I Am Worth More Than That

This post is all in BOLD because I am making a point to myself and whoever else happens to read this.

I do NOT deserve to be called a bitch, a fucking brat or a cunt. I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I do NOT deserve to be pushed or choked. I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I do NOT deserve to be told to "pack my shit" and made to leave my own home in the middle of the night. I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I do NOT deserve to have things thrown at, near me, or around me. I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I do NOT deserve to be screamed at, yelled at, insulted or called names. I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I do NOT deserve to have money, transportation or shelter taken away from me because of how I "behave". I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I do NOT deserve to be told I am "defiant" and "immature" because I don't follow the "rules". I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I do NOT deserve to be INSULTED by someone's family members and expected to "understand and ignore it". I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I do NOT deserve to be threatened with physical harm because I don't understand or disagree with the point being made. I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I do NOT deserve to have my life upended and all of my choices made for me because someone else is "smarter and older and knows best". I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I take part of the blame for everything I've gotten and didn't deserve. I understand that you teach people how to treat you and someone can only walk all over you if you let them. BUT I'M DONE LETTING THIS HAPPEN TO ME. IT STOPS TODAY. Because after all, I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.

Free Your Mind Friday

21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
Oh definitely a joyful simpleton. There is nothing better in life than feeling joy and happiness.

22. Why are you, you?
I am me because I was born this way! But I've also been shaped by past lives (yes, I believe in reincarnation!), a terrible childhood, great friends, crazy life experiences, falling in love, traveling and reading.

23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
I think I have fallen off the good friend wagon lately with everything I am going through, but usually I think I am a pretty good friend. I adore and cherish all my friends and I try hard to show them and tell them that!

24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
I definitely think losing touch with a friend who is near is sadder and more painful. I look at friends moving away as a good excuse for a road trip or vacation!!


25. What are you most grateful for?
I used to answer this question without hesitation. And the answer was my ability to love. I had a very rough childhood, and a very rough time in my early adulthood with love and friends and family. I always saw my ability to love and let people in emotionally an amazing thing. The fact that I was scarred emotionally and mentally but was still able to trust and love others was wonderful to me. I am not sure what I feel about this now. I'll think about it again in 6 months!


26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
I'd rather lose all of my old memories. No particular reason though.


27. Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
For me it is. But then again I am a person who takes people and things at face value. This may not be the smartest way to go about things because it has really burned me in the past. But to this day I am still like this. If you tell me something, I will believe you. A lot of people call this naivety, I call it trustful!


28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
No, but something that has happened to me has now become my greatest fear. My *original* greatest fear was drowning.


29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now?
Lol no, I do not. And I'm sure it matters somewhere in the depths of me, but no I guess consciously it doesn't matter. But I'm sure it shaped me in some way!


30. What is your happiest childhood memory? What makes it so special?
My happiest childhood memory was being on the swings and running around the park with my older brother and my mom. I just remember running and playing and feeling the wind on my face and laughing and feeling free and amazing.

My Sweet Little Blueberry

Baby Blueberry has been on my mind so much this week. I would have been 5 months pregnant on Christmas Day. I know that I shouldn't do this, keep this mental count in my head, but it is impossible not to. My EDD, my LMP and how far along I would be now is etched in stone on my heart. There is no denying that. And even after all I've been through, all I've lost, all the pain and tears and hurt, I will never, ever regret the life of my sweet little baby. This picture was taken very soon after I found out I was pregnant. I will never forget the excitement, fear, love, hope, anxiety and joy I felt at finding out that I had a small life inside of me. There was a time that I couldn't even come close to looking at these photos (I took lots!). But lately it has been a comfort to remember. Which is the reason I share.

You can't tell but there's a little baby in there the size of a blueberry:)

Operation: Optimism

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."

Okay so I think I might try something new: optimism!! Well that, and having a plan. And I mean a real, step-by-step, written down on paper plan. A slew of kind words and a few harsh ones from people whom I adore have had me thinking all day. I'm attempting to go about this in a different way. I have had a jolt of hope and optimism   that I really look forward to sticking around. It always makes me feel better to have a plan of action and to be doing something proactive when I have a problem. It just feels so positive! Sooo that's what I'm doing. I have a plan. And for the moment I have hope and faith! And for now that's more than enough for me:)

Tattoo

I'm doing it. I'm going to get the tattoo!! I'm really scared!! I hope I don't chicken out. I think I just want an outline, but I'll have them draw it on first to see what I think about it. This is the one I'm getting:

I've thought about this for YEARS, but seriously for days. I decided I'm just going to do it. Although I may wake up tomorrow and change my mind lol...

Crazy Girl

I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm hysterical, I'm heart-broken, I'm laughing then crying and this is all before lunch. One minute I love Atlanta, then I want to move half way across the world. Some days I love my job and others it feels almost impossible to be around children. At times I feel like I will never be sad again and at times I feel as if I could literally cry forever. I lose my train of thought very easily, I forget words, food doesn't taste good anymore and I have a love-hate relationship with sleep. I. FEEL. CRAZY.

When will this get better? When will I even out? I still have sad moments every single day. I didn't really have any idea of how this would play out emotionally, physically or mentally but this is certainly not what I expected. Not that I really expected to lose my baby, then my relationship, then my mind, but I didn't expect life to fall apart. And that's what it feels like. I don't feel as if I know who I am anymore.The things I used to like, the activities I used to enjoy, my favorite foods, the small pleasures in life that used to fill up my soul, all my hopes and dreams, everything I knew and loved slipped through my fingers and shattered at my feet. I don't know anything anymore. And I'm not sure how to get it back.

Everyone tells me it will take time, that things will get better, that there's a light at the end of the tunnel and all of the other clichéd phrases that go along with tragedy and sadness. I know that. But what I don't know, and what no one can tell me, is what do I do in the meantime? Yes, the hurt will hurt less in 3 months, 6 months, a year. But what do I do today? What do I do when it's bedtime, and I'm all alone and the tears won't stop and the hurt seems bigger than the entire world? When the simplest comfort a human can have, someone else holding them, is something that I don't have? I don't know the answer to that, and so far neither does anyone else. But I guess the only thing to do is trudge through, one day at a time, and hope the grief doesn't kill me.

Wine

This was last night's selection. I chose it because the label and description made me laugh! But this is going to be my last post about wine for a bit. My exploration and attempts at wine appreciate have been cut short by doctor's orders. Alcohol doesn't mix well with my medication. It was fun while it lasted!

To Tattoo or Not to Tattoo?

I've wanted a tattoo off and on since I was about 18. At times I definitely want one and even know where I would put it/them. And some days I absolutely don't want one. I go between thinking they are cute and would be an interesting experience to thinking I would look trashy with one. And while I don't ever think other's tattoos are trashy, sometimes I'm scared it would seem that way on my own body.

I do like to see other people's artwork and hear the reason behind them. I even made up my mind enough once to actually pick out two tattoos and decide where I would place them. If I'm ever brave and/or crazy enough to get them I would want one on my right hip and one on the inside of my left ankle.

The tattoo for my hip:

The tattoo for my ankle:

A Not So Merry Christmas

This is so much harder than I thought it was going to be!! I am devastated today. I'm sad and lonely and heartbroken all over again.

And I know this is stupid but I am wondering if I should just go back to what is comfortable and what I know, even if it isn't right for me. Is it better to be sad and alone or sad and with someone?

My heart is full of hurt and sadness and loneliness today. Not a good day at all. And I don't want to hear the words Merry Christmas. I know that's bitter, but it's the truth. I don't know what to do.

Free Your Mind Friday

11. You're having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do?
Tell them she's a friend and kindly ask them to stop. This sort of seems like a no-brainer to me.


12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
I thought about this for so long. But I'm definitely in no place to offer anyone advice, much less a child! I couldn't even wrap my head around this question.


13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
Yes I would, unless it involved physically hurting someone else.


14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
No, not that I can recall.


15. What's something you know you do differently than most people?
Fall in love.


16. How come the things that make you happy don't make everyone happy?
Because people are different and what I love someone else may not!


17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What's holding you back?
I would love to travel through Europe for an entire summer. Work and finances are holding me back. It would cost thousands to do that!! And I always feel such an obligation to my job that taking off for two and a half months seems impossible sometimes. I will eventually have an opportunity to do it, but that's still a few years away.


18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
I was until very recently, but I'm proud to say I let it go. It feels good to let go of toxic things, memories and people.


19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
Oh so many! In the states I would love to live in California, South Carolina or Florida. Outside of the states I would love to live in Puerto Rico, Italy, the Greek Isles, Australia, Spain, France, Argentina or Brazil. I want to live somewhere warm and near the beach!!


20. Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator move faster?
It depends. Some days I'm patient and I only push it once. Some days I'm full of nervous energy and I push it several times. I know that it doesn't make the elevator arrive any quicker, but it feels good to fill that idle time by doing something.

Wine

I'm trying Jess' suggestion of a lighter, sweeter, sparkling wine tonight. I'm having it with cheesecake and fresh strawberries! I'm skipping dinner and going straight for dessert! Yum!!

Gratitude is the Best Attitude

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today.  Have you used one to say "thank you?"  ~William A. Ward

If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get.  ~Frank A. Clark

Gratitude is the best attitude.  ~Author Unknown

I'm working on feeling grateful every single day so I can appreciate all the positive and beautiful things in my life and bring even more into it! Today I am grateful for friends and family.

I'm grateful for D who calls to check on me constantly and has been with me through the thick of it. I think she has a 6th sense about when I'm feeling my lowest and calls to listen to me cry and share stories about S  which always cheers me up! Thank you.

I'm grateful for F whose random stories and funny words makes me forget why I'm feeling sad. Thank you.

I'm grateful for B who makes me smile, without fail, every single day. This is something that I need more than I can put into words. Being happy for those few minutes means more to me than he probably knows. Thank you.

I'm grateful to P and P whose tough love and yummy food I just couldn't live without! Thank you.

I'm grateful to E who is one of the very few who actually makes plans with me and keeps them! Without him I would rarely leave the house! Thank you.

I'm grateful to O for giving me a very comfy place to stay and shoulder to cry on when I needed it most. Thank you.

I'm grateful to A for understanding me emotionally like no one else in the world ever has and for always having positive, enlightening things to share with me. Thank you.

I'm grateful to L who follows me around, almost stalkerishly (pretty sure I just made that word up, but I am a Grammar Queen, so yeah) but makes me feel loved and wanted. Funny how such a small thing can do that. Thank you.

I'm grateful for J whose constant invites to hang out are extremely appreciated and needed. And even though I haven't taken her up on them quite yet, I will and very soon! I'm getting there, I promise! Thank you.

There are a million other things I am grateful and thankful for. I try to remind myself to start the day saying thank you for anything and everything I can think of, down to what seems the most insignificant. Once I get going, it's easy to think of more and more to be grateful for. It's something I will try my best to keep up with.

Happy Wednesday all!!

Wine

I'm learning to appreciate wine! I don't really know much about it. But I've enlisted the help of a couple of websites and my taste buds to see where that takes me. Tonight's selection:

Feel free to share any suggestions or expertise!! I'm all ears and mouth! :)

New Year, New Home?

I don't know if I'm just feeling restless, if it's just that I'm going through a rough time, or if my feelings are genuine, but I want to move. It's all I can think about these days. I love Atlanta and all my friends and family in it, but I feel like finding a new place to call home. I always imagined that I would fall in love, get married and raise children in Atlanta. But I can't even imagine being in love, much less finding someone here to fall in love with. And I'm not even sure I want to be married or have children anymore. I've let go of all the ideas and fantasies that I used to hold so tightly to, and building a life in Atlanta is one of those dreams. I think it may be time for me to move on.

I don't really have any firm ideas of where I want to live. I have learned in the last year that I am much more of a hot weather and beach girl than I ever though before. I would much rather be hot than cold and in snow. There's a pretty cool website that after answering about 8 pages of questions, suggests cities in the U.S. that may be to your liking. They base their picks for you on factors like weather, population, school systems, the size of the city and lots more. And even if you're not looking to move it's just fun to do the quiz and see what places they suggest for you! Here's the website:
findyourspot.com

I took the quiz and here are my Top Ten Spots:

1. Honolulu, Hawaii
2. Charleston, South Carolina
3. Los Angeles, California
4. Houston, Texas
5. Orlando, Florida
6. San Diego, California
7. Orange County, California
8. Long Beach California
9. Tampa, Florida
10. West Palm Beach, Florida

I'm excited to look into these places and the possibility that I might be making a big change soon! Change can be good, right? We'll see!

A Few of My Favorite Things: Winter

Here are a few of my favorite things when it gets chilly outside!

1. Sitting by the fire

2. Chunky scarves

3. Warm blankets right out of the dryer

4. Thigh high socks

5. Steaming mugs of tea

What are yours?

The Holidays

I plan on being alone for the holidays this year, which I'm not happy about but I am okay with. I'll be spending Christmas and New Year's alone partly because I'm house-sitting, and partly because I have found myself to be so grumpy and unhappy and very not in the Christmas spirit these days. And while I'm grumpy and unhappy less and less as time passes, I still have really, really low moments. And I know that no one wants to deal with that during what's supposed to be the most joyful time of the year. I'm also still in full on grief mode, especially now. I thought I would be spending these holidays happy and pregnant and full of joy for life ahead of me. And even though I was full of DELUSIONS to think that things would be that way, it doesn't change the fact that I'm mourning my baby and the idea of a happy family and life.

So I've decided to keep my bitterness and grief and anger and sadness to myself. Christmas, New Year's and just about every day in between will find me in my pjs, with a glass of wine in hand, surrounded by books and blankets and movies that have nothing at all to do with love or family or children or the holidays. And no matter how sad and pitiful that sounds, I am going to be okay.

Here's to a happy holiday season to you, and here's to getting through it for me.

Free Your Mind Friday

I came across an article with a list of questions that is meant to "Free Your Mind". And since I'm a sucker for questionnaires I decided to answer all 50 broken up into a few posts. Hence, Free Your Mind Friday. Feel free to comment with your own answers. Here goes!

1. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?
Probably 19. I used to feel 16 inside, but this past year has aged me a bit!

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
I think it's pretty obvious that I'm a try-it-at-least-once kind of girl. So never trying is worse to me.

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don't like, and like so many things we don't do?
Well I don't do that many things that I don't like. But I guess you need balance. Happy doesn't feel happy unless you have sad to compare it with, right?

4. When it's all said and done, will you have said more than you've done?
I'm sure there are some things I will leave this world without experiencing, but I'm certainly doing everything I can in this lifetime to make sure it's a full and adventurous one!!

5. What is the one thing you'd like to change most about the world?
The amount of violence that occurs in it.

6. If happiness were the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
Being a party and wedding planner. I love planning and I love working with and around people!!

7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you're doing?
Right now I'm settling for what I'm doing. Sadly, I don't find the same level of joy I used to in my work, although I am still committed to it, if that makes any sense!

8. If the average human lifespan were 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
Well I imagine I would have started dating at 9 instead of 18 to find my soul mate.

9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
I think I am to blame and to congratulate for a large majority of the going-ons and happenings in my life. I'm a total believer in Fate and Destiny but also a huge believer in Free Will. I am where I am in life because I am meant to be here, but I also help get myself here.

10. Are you more worried about doing things right or doing the right things?
That's a weird question. I don't really think there is a "right" or "wrong" way to do things except how you perceive them. Something right for me may be something completely wrong for someone else. I usually just do what I want, when I want, and how I want without really worrying about too much else, unless of course it affects someone else's life.

Naked

I love to be naked. If I'm at home (alone) I'm naked. If I'm on the beach and it's allowed, I'm topless. If I'm on a boat trip, I'm naked, and always the first one to strip down. If I'm in the middle of the ocean with no one to yell at me then I'm definitely naked. I'm one of those girls who will undress in front of her girlfriends or go in the same dressing room together. I am also one of those girls who will not miss a beat in a conversation as I take off all my clothes to change into my pjs. I just love being naked. Sometimes I wish America was more accepting of nakedness. I think it's beautiful and natural. And comfy!! I'm naked right now!! Just kidding... I'm actually sitting on my sister's couch.

Will I regret writing this post?! Probably. Is it all the truth? ABSOLUTELY!!!!! Yay for being NAKED!!!!!

Far, Far Away

I'm really, seriously considering moving away. Funny that I missed Atlanta so much when I was gone and couldn't wait to get "home". I'm finding that I don't have as much here as I thought I once did. Oh well. I couldn't possibly be worse off than I am already, right? Is it possible that my birthday trip could turn into a birthday move? Time to start a list...

No New York for This Girl

Alas, I thought for sure that Sky and I winning that wedding in New York was a sign of good things to come amidst all the tragedy that we had endured. Let me share that we are not getting married in New York, nor will we be getting married at all. I'm an open book on many things, and while I have chosen to share this, I am not ready to talk about the details of the split. Life happens. Life goes on.

Winter Skin Care

 I'm always curious about what products people use for their hair and skin. Although I'm not loyal to just one brand, I find something I love and rarely change it. I've been using these products for years and I love them and what they do for my skin! They are all very clean smelling since I don't usually wear anything with too much scent (unless it's perfume!) and they all make your skin soooo soft and smooth. I've even gotten compliments on how soft my skin is! Well it's not me, it's them:

MY FACE LOVES: 

AND

MY BODY LOVES:

MY SKIN LOVES:

MY LIPS LOVE:

This is my skin care routine! Fell free to share anything you love and swear by!

100 Truths: Part 3

FAVE:

37. Food: PIZZA!!!!
38. Drinks: Ice water
39. Bottoms: Sweatpants
40. Flower: Calla lilies
41. Animal: All of them
42. Colors: Pink
43. Movies: Dirty Dancing
44. Subjects: Literature (did a middle schooler write this?!)

HAVE YOU EVER:

 (Put an X in the brackets if yes)

45. [ x ] fell in love with someone.

46. [ x ] celebrated Halloween.

47. [ x ] had your heart broken.

48. [ x ] went over the minutes/texts on your cell phone.

49. [   ] had someone question your sexual orientation.

51. [ x ] got pregnant.

52. [ x ] traveled alone.

53. [ x ] did something you regret.

54. [ x ] broke a promise.

55. [ x ] hid a secret.

56. [ x ] pretended to be happy.

57. [ x ] met someone who changed your life.

58. [ x ] pretended to be sick.  

59. [ x ] left the country.  

60. [ x ] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it.

61. [ x ] cried over the silliest thing.

62. [ x ] ran a mile.

63. [ x ] went to the beach with your best friend.

64. [ x ] got into an argument with your friends.

65. [ x ] hated someone.

66. [ x ] stayed single for 2 years.


DOING NOW:

67. Eating: Nothing
68. Drinking: Tea
69. Listening: Dr Phil is on tv
70. Sitting/Laying: Laying
71. Plans for today: Stay in bed
72. Waiting: For the hurt to stop

YOUR FUTURE:

73. Want kids? I don't know
74. Want to get married? Maybe, if I ever find the right guy
75. Career: It used to be an educator, but I'm not sure anymore
76. Lips or eyes: Lol, a middle schooler did write this!
77. Shorter or taller: Taller
78. Romantic or spontaneous: Romantic
81. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship
82. Looks or personality: Personality

HAVE YOU EVER:

83. Lost glasses/contacts: Yes
84. Snuck out of a house: No
85. Held a gun/knife for self defense: No
86. Killed somebody: No!!!!!
87. Broken someone's heart: Sadly, yes
88. Been in love: Yes
89. Cried when someone died: Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

90. Yourself: Sometimes
91. Miracles: Yes
92. Love at first sight: Maybe
93. Heaven: Yes
94. Santa Clause: Definitely not
95. Sex on the first date: No, thank you
96. Kiss on the first date: No

TRUTHFULLY:

97. Is there one person you want to be with right now: Yes, and they would be surprised if they knew it was them

98. Do you know who your real friends are: Yes

99. Do you believe in God: Yes

100. Are you a virgin: LOL!!!!

100 Truths: Part 2

Have You Ever
19. Been in an airplane: Many times!
20. Been in a relationship: Yes
21. Been in a car accident: Several
22. Been in a fist fight: Definitely not
23. First piercing: Ears
24. First best friend: Nafeesha
25. First award: Probably something at Field Day in elementary school
26. First crush: I was always boy crazy. It was probably in Pre-K but I don't remember!
27. First word: I've asked my mother this question and she doesn't know, so neither do I!
29. Last person you talked to in person: Olga
30. Last person you texted: Denise
31. Last person you watched a movie with: Myself!
32. Last food you ate: I haven't eaten today. Do vitamins count? If they don't then I had a Slim Jim yesterday
33. Last movie you watched: Harry Potter 7
34. Last song you listen to: Only Girl by Rihanna
35. Last thing you bought: cough medicine
36. Last person you hugged: EJ

These Dreams

I have always had vivid, colorful, crazy dreams. And luckily I usually wake up remembering them in detail. It's usually a gift, but it has definitely been a curse at times. One of last night's dreams was pretty disturbing.

In my dream I was a pharmacist but I worked in a shady part of town (no doubt due to my real life wandering around the city at 1am last night looking for an open store so I could buy cough medicine). And it seemed that I always worked at night. And outside of the store I worked for (CVS!) there was always a hooker and a pimp/drug dealer hanging out. I would walk by them and say hello every night. Sometimes they would ignore me and other times the hooker would follow me, yelling and cursing. Well one night I guess I decided to yell back at her. Bad idea Dream Kourtnie!! The hooker threw a liquid on me (gasoline?) and a match which INSTANTLY made me burst into flames (no doubt from my real life watching of a stupid criminals show last night where one guy set himself on fire). Somehow I dialed 911, which seems pretty talented to do while you are burning to a crisp, and in minutes the ambulance and fire department and police were there. The hooker was arrested and so was her pimp/drug dealer. As they took them away in handcuffs I stood there laughing and pointing my finger at them.

But THAT'S not the craziest part of the dream. No, the crazy, insane, maniacal part was that six months later (I know it was six months because a blank screen came on in my dream that said 6 months later...)  I was planning a wedding to the hooker. That's right, I was marrying this woman who yelled at me, cursed at me, insulted me and set me on fire. What The Hell?! And all the while, as I was planning in my dream, Real Life Kourtnie was trying to scream at Dream Kourtnie to stop being so stupid and cancel the whole damn thing.

And all I have to say is wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Dreams can be powerful and amazing. Dreams can be silly and inconsequential. Sometimes they mean everything, sometimes they mean nothing at all.

#50 Take an art class

Another one down! Denise and I took a painting class at Cocktails and Canvas. We wore matching pj pants and had a blast painting (a menorah for me, a snowman for her) our masterpieces!!! It was lots of fun and I can't wait to do it again. I'll definitely be bringing snacks and wine along next time:)

#4 Start taking vitamins

Check! And yup, I take children's vitamins lol:)

Free Christmas Music

If you want to get into the Christmas spirit for free Amazon.com is offering one free feature holiday song a day until Christmas!! Here's the list available so far:

12/6 Auld Lang Syne
12/5 Angels We Have Heard on High
12/4 O Come All Ye Faithful
12/3 Your Holiday Song
12/2 Winter Games
12/1 White Winter Hymnal

Plus they have several holiday samplers full of music for free: "Timeless Christmas", "The Bell Medley", "Acorn Music Free Holiday Sampler" and "Sugo Music Free Holiday Sampler" among others. So go ahead, and get into the holiday spirit already!! Merry Christmas!!!

I've Got the Blues

*The opinions and thoughts expressed here are in NO way meant to be taken as medical advice or suggestions. I am in NO way a medical professional and I am NOT offering health advice nor am I qualified to. I am merely sharing my personal story without the intention of causing anyone to self-diagnose or medicate, etc.


So this is probably one of those posts that Sky would cringe at because again I'm "sharing too much". But throughout this entire ordeal I have felt so utterly and completely ALONE and so very misunderstood. And if there is ever anyone who might happen to read this and feel a little less alone, or isolated then over-sharing is totally worth it.

Everyone knows that the last few months have been so hard on me. I'm sure some people look at my Facebook page or status updates and think "Enough already Debbie Downer!". But there is a reason that I haven't been able to shake these blues and the tears and sadness. I was recently told that I am suffering from Depression and Anxiety. This was such a relief to be told that what I'm feeling and going through isn't my failure to readjust, but my body's. For the longest time I wondered why I just couldn't pick myself back up and make myself be happier as I've done in the past with disappointment, failures and heartache. And I've been told by very well meaning family and friends to get over it and move in with my life. But the truth is this isn't something you can just "shake off". This is something that needs attention, time, work and occasionally medication (in my case) in order to make it better and manageable.

So I'm seeing a doctor and a therapist. If you or someone you know is going through this, make sure they seek professional help. This is not something you can diagnose or treat yourself and something you definitely shouldn't ignore. But for some reason I've found that this is such a taboo topic to openly discuss with people. That's why I'm being so forthcoming about everything. I think if I would have know how many people I personally know who suffer from this, I wouldn't have felt so "crazy" or alone or like I was being a wimp who couldn't deal with life.

I know I have a way to go before I feel like I'll be my old self again, but at least I'm on the right path to getting back there. Now I know what's wrong and I can start working toward fixing it. I'm feeling so hopefully about things now, and it will only get better from here!! I can truly feel it:)

More information I found helpful:
The Mayo Clinic
WebMD

If anyone else has dealt with these issues, please feel free to email me or comment. It is so comforting to hear other's stories!!

Bad Day

Today has been a bad day. Not all of it, not the entire day, but in this moment I am full of grief and pain and loss and hurt and it's overwhelming. I don't know how to drag myself out of these feelings when they descend on me. I don't know when, or if, I'll ever feel like my old self again. I feel cursed, punished, singled out for this misery somehow. I just want to stop hurting. I wonder if that day will ever come. But for now I will just lose myself and drown in tears.

101 in 1001

This is my list of 101 things that I'd like to accomplish in 1001 days!! So that means I should have these things accomplished by Friday, August 30, 2013. Here's the list:

1. Join a gym

2. Plan my wedding

3. Spend a weekend camping

4. Start taking vitamins

5. Start giving blood again

6. Take a pole dancing class

7. Go to a concert

8. Read 101 books

9. Get married

10. Visit Europe

11. Take a photography class

12. Work with homeless or underprivileged children

13. Plant something

14. Start taking college courses again

15. See a Broadway play

16. Get at least 2 more stamps on my passport

17. Decorate a room in it's entirety

18. Keep the tv off for one week

19. Buy a nice watch

20. Go skiing

21. See an opera

22. Pay for the person in line behind me

23. Buy stock

24. Make a playlist of 101 favorite songs

25. Brush up on my French

26. Take tango lessons

27. Go ice skating

28. Go on a picnic

29. Go to a topless or nude beach

30. Rent a cabin for the weekend

31. Go on a cross country road trip

32. Clean my car

33. Throw a dinner party

34. Get a mani/pedi

35. Take more pictures

36. Take a trip to the beach

37. Take a tai chi class

38. Do a walk for a cause

39. Go snorkeling

40. Buy a new perfume

41. Get a massage

42. Stay in bed all day watching tv

43. Have hot chocolate topped with whipped cream

44. Keep up with this blog

45. Go to a bonfire

46. Watch Saturday morning cartoons

47. Bake a cake

48. Go on a double date

49. Go horseback riding

50. Take an art class

51. Help feed the homeless

52. Learn to play one song on the guitar or piano

53. Go to Six Flags

54. Hand write a letter to a loved one

55. Say hi to everyone I see for one day

56. Watch the sun rise

57. Watch the sun set

58. Play in the snow

59. Ride a ferris wheel

60. Dance in the rain

61. Turn my phone off for a day

62. Re-read 3 Shakespeare plays

63. Finish an entire crossword puzzle

64. Send someone flowers

65. Get something monogrammed

66. Take a CPR & First Aid class

67. Do karaoke

68. Take a girls only trip

69. Get new tires for my car

70. Try 5 new restaurants

71. Do yoga

72. Go on a walk in Piedmont Park

73. Kiss Sky at midnight on NYE

74. Update my wardrobe

75. Learn Italian or Spanish

76. Finish our wedding registry

77. Lie in the grass

78. Go to the GA Aquarium

79. Learn a waltz

80. Walk a mile everyday for a week

81. Go to a Braves game

82. Check into a hotel for the night just because

83. See a movie that makes me cry

84. Buy a beautiful dress

85. Go somewhere nice enough to wear that beautiful dress

86. Ask a doctor why I eat ice and how to stop

87. Leave a 50% tip after good service

88. Go out dancing with my girlfriends

89. Paint pottery

90. Take a walk through Atlanta

91. Print and organize my photos

92. Buy and use a planner

93. Make a blanket for Sadie

94. Create a budget

95. Learn how to coupon

96. Get our engagement pictures done

97. Visit Granny in NC

98. Try 10 new recipes

99. Go for a hike

100. Write 10 random thank you cards and send them

101. Make another list of 101 things after I finish this list

Lost and Found Some More

More pictures found from St John. I have a sneaking suspicion I will find my way back one day, just not to reside:)

100 Truths: Part 1

This is because I'm bored and waiting for my sleep medicine to kick in all ready!!!


1. Real name: Kourtnie Alexandria English
2. Nickname(s): Kourt, Pumpkin Butt, Babykins
3. Zodiac Sign: Pisces
4. Male or female: Female
5. Elementary School: Kennesaw Elementary
6. High School: North Cobb High Scool
7. College: Kennesaw State University
8. Hair color: Black
9. Tall or Short: Average
11. Sweats or Jeans: Sweats (I'm a slob!)
12. Phone or Camera: Definitely my phone!!!!
13. Health freak: Very rarely
14. Orange or Apple: orange
15. Do you have a crush on someone: Yes! But I've got him:)
16. Eat or Drink: Both!!!!
17. Piercings: Ears, used to have a nose piercing
18. Pepsi or Coke: Diet Coke

My Dream Ring?

So, sadly, I lost the engagement ring that Sky gave me. I know, I'm an awful fiancée. I really do feel very badly about it. We had always planned on replacing it anyway, but it was still very sad losing it. It wasn't very expensive, but it had sentimental value, and that's the part that sucks. But now that we're starting from scratch with buying a new ring, I am completely overwhelmed with how many styles, shapes, carats and metals there are to choose from. I always thought this would be the easy part, picking a pretty sparkler to wear on my hand for the rest of my days!. Alas, it's harder than it looks. I'm jealous of all those girls out there who knew what they wanted and got it. I just don't want to wind up with ring regret. But honestly whatever he chooses to get me I'm sure I will love and cherish forever, as long as I don't lose it!

Any favorites?

 GIRLY

 TRENDY

 CLASSIC

ELEGANT

Lost and Found

Some pictures I never posted of life in St. John.

Free Stuff

Here's another freebie!! I'm a music junkie and I am constantly downloading music. Denise told me about a code to get 3 free songs. Go to Amazon.com under the MP3 section to download your 3 free songs. Use the code GET3MP3S and voila!! Free music!! And who doesn't like that? But make sure you hurry!! The code expires November 29th at midnight!!

Free Stuff

My sister is a GENIUS at couponing and getting free stuff. And I want to share a tiny bit of what I've learned from her!! She is signed up to so many websites that show you how to get things for free or at a very deep discount. Today's free item: a picture collage from Walgreens.com. Simply upload your photos, make your collage and at check-out use the code BFCOLLAGE and it's free. Pick it up at the store to avoid shipping costs. To get a second free collage (like I did!) go through the same steps but use the code THANKSGIVING. Both of these codes expire this week so hurry!! And you're welcome:) Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Sleep

For the last few weeks, sleep and I have not been getting along. When do sleep issues turn into insomnia? I wonder if that's what I'm suffering from. It's not fun. And being tired makes me cranky, as I imagine is does for most people. I really, really, really want my sleep back!

So Romantic

Today Sky and I won a once in a lifetime prize!! Right after we got engaged I, of course, was obsessed with all things bride and wedding related. I joined The Knot so I could start getting ideas about what we wanted on our wedding day. At the time there was a contest on The Knot website. All you had to do was upload a picture of yourself and your fiancé and tell a little bit about how you met and your engagement story. I thought it seemed like a cute idea so I entered and forgot about it.

Fast forward to today! I received an email saying that Sky and I actually won the contest!! An associate at The Knot told me that we were the runners up, but one of the couples had to drop out so would we like to take their place? I was so excited that I was shaking and barely heard a word that she said!!!!

So our prize? We, along with 13 other couples, are getting married at the Empire State Building on Valentine's Day!!!! It turns out that the only day that you can marry there is on Valentine's Day!!!! And you have to apply and be chosen for it!!!!  We are so excited (can you tell?!!!) and grateful for this. And boy did this good news come at just the right time.

So the rush is on for me to find a dress, a suit for Sky, book accommodations to NYC and choose the 20 people we'd like at the ceremony. I think that last part will be the hardest since we want everyone we know and love to celebrate our day together!! The consolation is that we plan to invite any and everyone up to NYC for the weekend to help us celebrate and party, even if we can't take everyone to the ceremony. And we definitely plan on having a big celebration here in Georgia late next year for those who can't make it.

This really changes all of the plans that we had going for our wedding, but you don't look a gift horse in the mouth! Besides isn't getting married in one of the most amazing cities in the world, in one of the most iconic buildings in history, on the most romantic day ever just a dream come true?! It certainly is for us!!

Christmas Cards!

Christmas cards totally skipped my mind until I saw someone post on Facebook about finishing theirs. And then I got excited!!!!! It never occurred to me to send out personal Christmas cards before, but this year we can!! I'm trying to decide which website has the best designs and deals. So far I've heard good things about Walgreens and Shutterfly. I'm thinking this should be super easy since Sky and I have already picked out the picture we want to use. So excited!!

Hugs and Kisses

... make life so much better. I am so grateful for everyone who has shown me these simple, little gestures. They really, really make a world of difference. Would I be here without these small tokens of love and kindness? I think not.

Dealing

It has been so hard to deal with the loss of our sweet baby. There is not a day, an hour, or even a minute that goes by that I don't think of the little person I carried in my body for 13 weeks. I have had some major meltdowns in the past few weeks. I've, sadly, gotten very comfortable crying in public and in front of anyone really. My most embarrassing and public episode was in Publix about 10 days or so ago. And these meltdowns are not just tears. They are tears and anger and sometimes screaming and sometimes hyperventilating. So very embarrassing, but true. But better out than in, right? I am trying my best to deal with these crazy mood swings and rampant emotions. They are getting better everyday. Even now, it's been two days since I last cried. This is definitely improvement, as not too long ago I would only go hours between crying. Everyday feels a teeny, tiny bit better. Although some days it's definitely one step forward, five steps back for me. And as much as I hate being back on this island, being with Sky is helping tremendously.

I've been meaning to call a counseling service that my sister provided me a number for. I will absolutely get around to it because I know that I need help. This loss this has hit me hard. I would love to hear about some constructive and concrete ways to deal with my grief and anger. Right now I have little things that make me hurt less about this whole thing. One of them is holding my little niece Sadie. She is such a sweet and happy baby and I found that when I held her I was sweet and happy too. She's like my little shield of light and I think Denise noticed this. Whenever I was sad or lonely or feeling out of place, Denise seemed to feel it and would hand her to me and I instantly felt so much better and happier. Unfortunately my little halo of light and love is in Atlanta and I am here in St John. Another is my sister. She took care of me better than I could have ever hoped for. Just being around her made my heart feel happy. But again, we are thousands of miles apart right now. Another thing I've done, as petty and mean as this seems, was to block any and everyone with baby news from my Facebook feed. I know this is so mean, but I can't see everyone's happiness when I lost my own. One day I will be able to look at other's sonograms and belly pictures, but now is not that time. I just can't do it. It's more painful than I can describe. And of course I pretty much stay away from anything online, in real life or on TV about pregnancy and babies. Which is sort of hard to do! Babies and pregnancy are such a huge part of life that it's everywhere. But again, right now I just can't deal.

I can't wait for the day that I feel like myself! I can't wait to be that happy, carefree girl full of smiles with her whole life ahead of her! I know she's in there somewhere, I just have to coax her out again. In the meantime I'll be waiting not so patiently!

If at first you don't suceed...

I'm heading back to St John. This "move" to Atlanta has, needless to say, been a really rough one. So, my plan? Or should I say Sky's persistent suggestion? That I come back to St John to recuperate, regroup, and try this whole thing one more time after things settle a bit. After fighting tooth and nail about it with him (I don't wanna leave!!) I've agreed that he has rather valid points. It has been very hard to deal with this tragedy without my fiance and father of my child by my side. And it's been just as hard for him. Plus the holidays are quickly approaching. Between the miscarriage and Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, this is definitely not the time for either of us to be alone. So back I go. But it won't be forever!

I'm not the happiest about leaving my friends and family so soon after getting reconnected, but it's what I have to do for now. I was really hoping to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas in a traditional way this year, complete with sweaters and fires and lots of family around! I'll have to settle for 85 degree weather and bikinis and rum drinks. But when I put it that way it doesn't sound so bad! So on that note I'm going to stop my bitching and enjoy the fact that in just a couple of days I'll be back in the arms of the man I love, on a tropical island in paradise!!! How about that for a silver lining?

So Productive!!

I'm so proud of myself!! These last few days have been so productive for me. I have a to do list a mile long but I'm slowly checking it off. I've been to the doctor for my final visit, thank God! I've had my car in two different auto repair shops getting various (and expensive!) things fixed on it. I've had to do my emissions, and get my tags updated. I've found a storage unit that I have to start moving my things into tomorrow. And I have to yet to see any of my friends since coming back! So this weekend is dedicated to quality time for my friends and family. Especially since I'm heading back to St John for a few weeks. I just need time to recuperate and be with Sky. And after the holidays are over, we'll be back on track with our plans for moving to Atlanta.

Today has been a good day. Since all of my errands for the day are done I'm hanging out with my favorite girls (Denise & Sadie) and feeling like life is pretty okay. I hope it only gets better from here on out!!

Night

Night is the worst. I'm alone. I think. I cry. And cry. And cry. When will this pain get better?

Delight of the Day

How did I forget the absolutely loveliness and joy of musicals?!?! It's like I've discovered them all over again!! I'm currently watching Mamma Mia while continuing to be One with the couch. It makes me smile, even if only for 90 minutes:)

Gripe of the Day

My hormones are still out of wack. I'm so done with being angry, sad, happy, tired, disappointed, confused, and joyful all within a 60 minute period. And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. I can't wait until my hormones are back to normal. I feel like a crazy person.

Goodbye

Sky and I lost our baby, our sweet little blueberry. On October 24th, exactly 2 months after we found out we were expecting our little one, we found out that our baby had no heartbeat. This has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. Some people may not understand our grief since we were only 13 weeks into the pregnancy. At times I've even been surprised at the depth of my grief and the force of my tears. But we were so joyful when we found out about this baby. We loved this little guy already. We had hopes and dreams and plans and even a nickname for this little person growing inside of me. When I found out that I was miscarrying my heart and soul felt like it was being ripped apart. I have never felt so broken-hearted or hurt or angry or sad in all my life. My body literally ached from the emotional pain I was in. For the first couple of days I cried almost non stop it seems. I would go to sleep or take a nap and wake up forgetting all about what happen, only to have it hit me in the stomach with full force again. I never in a millions years imagined that this would be the outcome of my pregnancy.

It's hard for me to find much to be thankful about these days. But I am so thankful and grateful for a loving and supportive fiance, even from thousands of miles away. I know I could never get through this without him. And I definitely owe so much to my sister, who took me in, made sure that I ate, held me when I cried, and spent hours with me just letting me talk and helping me to see that some day I will be okay and life will be happy again. Right now my grief is too overwhelming to see that, but I know I'll get there. I just have to take it one day at a time.

Such a Sweet Day

Sky and I had a much needed day off yesterday, just the two of us. We took the boat out to splash and play and snorkel for a bit. It was a beautiful day out and we had such a sweet time. I'm going to miss my big lovey goofball so much.