I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm hysterical, I'm heart-broken, I'm laughing then crying and this is all before lunch. One minute I love Atlanta, then I want to move half way across the world. Some days I love my job and others it feels almost impossible to be around children. At times I feel like I will never be sad again and at times I feel as if I could literally cry forever. I lose my train of thought very easily, I forget words, food doesn't taste good anymore and I have a love-hate relationship with sleep. I. FEEL. CRAZY.
When will this get better? When will I even out? I still have sad moments every single day. I didn't really have any idea of how this would play out emotionally, physically or mentally but this is certainly not what I expected. Not that I really expected to lose my baby, then my relationship, then my mind, but I didn't expect life to fall apart. And that's what it feels like. I don't feel as if I know who I am anymore.The things I used to like, the activities I used to enjoy, my favorite foods, the small pleasures in life that used to fill up my soul, all my hopes and dreams, everything I knew and loved slipped through my fingers and shattered at my feet. I don't know anything anymore. And I'm not sure how to get it back.
Everyone tells me it will take time, that things will get better, that there's a light at the end of the tunnel and all of the other clichéd phrases that go along with tragedy and sadness. I know that. But what I don't know, and what no one can tell me, is what do I do in the meantime? Yes, the hurt will hurt less in 3 months, 6 months, a year. But what do I do today? What do I do when it's bedtime, and I'm all alone and the tears won't stop and the hurt seems bigger than the entire world? When the simplest comfort a human can have, someone else holding them, is something that I don't have? I don't know the answer to that, and so far neither does anyone else. But I guess the only thing to do is trudge through, one day at a time, and hope the grief doesn't kill me.
Trudge is a good word... Find a routine and a hobby (like a blog!) and do it every day, even when you don't feel like it and even if it's not fun. Enjoy it when you can, but if you can't on that day then the routine lets your mind go on auto pilot until it's done. Since time is what you're waiting on, fill it and it will go by faster. Surround yourself with people who will keep your time moving but ones who will still allow you to feel however you feel that day- there's nothing wrong with feeling sad or angry.
ReplyDeleteOne of the best ways to find new hope, purpose, perspective AND fill time: volunteer. Animals, homeless shelters, food pantries, disabled adults, coordinate an event for a church or community center, etc. Make volunteering part of your routine. Working hard and mentally/ emotionally investing in something will drain you, which for you is good because that means sleep. It'll give you something to think about at night, stimulate new emotions, make you feel proud of yourself, and hopefully give you something to look forward to on the tough days. If you need help finding somewhere, let me know. :)
I hate to read you feeling this way, girlie. :( And I don't really know the answer at all, it's hard. But I really hope things get better. I know you said you don't know how to get it all back. Maybe this is a time of complete upheaval and change in your life, and things will come out totally different on the other side, but better. My guess is it will happen when you're not looking for it, but I don't really know that and can't speak for your situation as I haven't been in it. But my heart goes out to you, it really does.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for all you're going through - just saw you around the boards and checked out your blog - how incredibly unfair for you. I'd be acting and going crazy too! I pass zero judgement, and want you to know I think you're great and I've only seen your blog! 2 days till 2010 is behind us...try and let that help you feel renewed.
ReplyDeleteFrom experience I know that you can't "label" things. Just go with the flow, take each day as it comes. Don't feel like you should, or have to, or ? a certain way. Just BE.....I know that is easier said than done. But there is no right or wrong way to feel :)
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