Knight and Day

I LOVED it!!!! For the record I think Tom Cruise is a nut job in real life. But that doesn't stop me from watching and loving every movie he makes!!!! For some reason Cameron Diaz played the "dumb blonde" stereotype to perfection, which is so unlike her and really annoyed me! But there was romance, explosions, crazy car chases, funny one-liners, and tropical scenery involved. What's not to love? I'd watch it again!

Free Your Mind Friday

31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
During the first few weeks of my pregnancy. I felt powerful and magical and so full of life and joy. It's a feeling I have never felt before in my life, and even now it's very hard to describe properly.


32. If not now, then when?
Well of course now. But to be honest this attitude is what has landed me into more trouble but also happiness than I have ever bargained for!


33. If you haven't achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
My pride, maybe. But that has never stopped me before.


34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
Um, no.


35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
I think everyone has a need to feel right and validated and accepted. And sometimes when it comes to something so important and personal as their beliefs people find it difficult to agree to disagree. I think this is sad and unfortunate, but the truth.


36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
No. I don't believe in black and white. I think there are a million shades of gray. What is wrong for me may be perfect for you and vice versa. I was going to say maybe killing someone is obviously evil, but what if they were trying to hurt or kill someone I loved dearly? Then I could justify it in my mind. I don't think anything is always, absolutely either/or.


37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
No, but I would ask for some time off for an awesome vacation!!!!!!!!


38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
I wouldn't mind doing more work if I enjoyed it. I think it would make me happy to be busy doing something I love.


39. Do you feel like you've lived this day a hundred times before?
Nope. Every single day feels different to me.


40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
I think this is such a weird question. But probably December 24th, 2009.

The Dating Game

Okay. It's been some time, but I guess I'm officially back in the dating game. This doesn't mean that I am actively dating per se, but I've decided that I'm opening myself up to date again. I used to love dating. There was definitely a time where I was on anywhere from 2 to 10 dates in a single week (I think a personal record was 6 dates in one weekend). I was young and having fun and really enjoying myself with lots of different guys and interesting (or not!) conversations and going to new restaurants and bars. What's not to like? You get dressed up, someone tells you how pretty you are, after a few drinks you're both laughing and hopefully enjoying each other's company all the while trying whatever "cool" restaurant happens to be good that week.

But that was then. I felt young and carefree and happy and unencumbered with anything too serious in life. I definitely don't feel any of those things now. I am absolutely not looking for a relationship at all, for a long time. But I don't think it would hurt to take my mind off of things by hanging out, meeting new people and having someone to have fun with. I guess we'll see how this goes. Wish me luck!!!!

Today

I am thoroughly embarrassed. I was out to dinner last night to celebrate a friend's birthday. Near the end of the meal I felt my heart start racing and an overwhelming need to escape from the table. I made my excuses and practically ran from the restaurant, only saying goodbye to 2 or 3 people out of the 12 or so that were there. I barely made it out the door before I became hysterical and started hyperventilating and sobbing. It was one of the worse anxiety attacks that I've experienced since I started having them about 3 months ago. As I walked to my car several people, including a police officer, stopped to ask if I was okay. I was mortified. My anxiety attack spiraled my mood down into the dumps where it stayed for the evening, hence my very emotional and depressing post from last night.

It's funny that now, today, I feel fine. Actually, I feel more than fine. I feel pretty good. I love life and I know I have so much to look forward to. I love my friends, I love the family that I get along with, I love my job. I love having trips and chores and experiences and mundane things to look forward to. Yes life is pretty hard right now, but I know that it will get better, easier and less arduous as time goes on. I know that I have so much to work on in myself, but I am up for that challenge.

My problem is when I descend into despair and heartache, like I did last night, I don't know how to pull myself out of it. Actually there is NOTHING so far that I've tried (barring Xanax) that has helped me. I've tried walks, yoga, deep breathing, watching tv, reading, talking, journaling, crying it out, drinking (Big Mistake every time, by the way) eating, sleeping and everything in between to stop these feelings. And nothing helps. I think on that note it's time to see my doctor again.

I received some emails and phone calls last night from people who were concerned. Thank you so much for reaching out to me. I was concerned too, which I think is why I was calling out for help. Believe me, as awful as it is to hear someone say they are so sad they want to die, it's that much more terrible to be the person who feels that way.

But today is a new day. It seems bright and shiny and full of possibilities and hopes. And I'm looking forward to everything it has to give me, unless of course it's another anxiety attack:)

Happy Thursday all!!

How Do You?

If the people who are supposed to love you more than anything in the world don't, then what?

How do you find comfort in a world where your mother hates and envies you in equal parts?

How do you learn to love yourself when your father has never set eyes on you even after learning of your existence?

How do you keep trusting people after you find yourself in abusive relationships time and time again?

How do you keep your heart open after searching all your life for love and acceptance and failing to find it?

I am a sad, lonely, heart-broken, dysfunctional, screwed up girl.

It's times like this when I wonder if life is even worth living.

It's times like this I wonder if my Zoloft is actually working.

Probably not.