Today

I am thoroughly embarrassed. I was out to dinner last night to celebrate a friend's birthday. Near the end of the meal I felt my heart start racing and an overwhelming need to escape from the table. I made my excuses and practically ran from the restaurant, only saying goodbye to 2 or 3 people out of the 12 or so that were there. I barely made it out the door before I became hysterical and started hyperventilating and sobbing. It was one of the worse anxiety attacks that I've experienced since I started having them about 3 months ago. As I walked to my car several people, including a police officer, stopped to ask if I was okay. I was mortified. My anxiety attack spiraled my mood down into the dumps where it stayed for the evening, hence my very emotional and depressing post from last night.

It's funny that now, today, I feel fine. Actually, I feel more than fine. I feel pretty good. I love life and I know I have so much to look forward to. I love my friends, I love the family that I get along with, I love my job. I love having trips and chores and experiences and mundane things to look forward to. Yes life is pretty hard right now, but I know that it will get better, easier and less arduous as time goes on. I know that I have so much to work on in myself, but I am up for that challenge.

My problem is when I descend into despair and heartache, like I did last night, I don't know how to pull myself out of it. Actually there is NOTHING so far that I've tried (barring Xanax) that has helped me. I've tried walks, yoga, deep breathing, watching tv, reading, talking, journaling, crying it out, drinking (Big Mistake every time, by the way) eating, sleeping and everything in between to stop these feelings. And nothing helps. I think on that note it's time to see my doctor again.

I received some emails and phone calls last night from people who were concerned. Thank you so much for reaching out to me. I was concerned too, which I think is why I was calling out for help. Believe me, as awful as it is to hear someone say they are so sad they want to die, it's that much more terrible to be the person who feels that way.

But today is a new day. It seems bright and shiny and full of possibilities and hopes. And I'm looking forward to everything it has to give me, unless of course it's another anxiety attack:)

Happy Thursday all!!