Try, Try Again

Is the Universe trying to tell me something? The last 4 times I made appointments for counseling, something has happened. The first counselor I started seeing right after my miscarriage decided she could no longer work with me after only a few sessions. And then the holidays rolled around and I couldn't get in touch with anyone. After the first of the year I found another counselor to start seeing, but he cancelled my appointment due to a family emergency. I never heard from him again! Then I found another therapist but because of my work schedule I kept putting the appointment off. And then I moved back to St John. I found a therapist here that I planned on seeing. I even had an appointment! But then I had the whole hospital debacle and had to cancel my appointment. I have yet to call her back.

Why on earth am I not able to find and keep a counselor? Is the Universe telling me something?! I do believe everything happens for a reason! Maybe I just haven't found the right one yet...

Self Preservation

This is an interesting theory that my sister came up with: Today I realized a few startling things. It occurred to me that a) I can't even begin to imagine being pregnant or having a baby any time soon, b) I can't even begin to imagine planning a wedding or the thought of being married and c) looking back on the last year of my life seems surreal and almost impossible. I feel pretty nuts thinking and admitting these things to myself, but they are all true. My sister called it self preservation. She thinks this is my mind's way of coping with all of the loss that I've experienced. Am I protecting myself mentally and emotionally by convincing myself that I didn't really want those things and that I wasn't ready for them? Is it my mind's way of starting to heal by making things seem sort of fuzzy and make-believe? I don't know. Everything I've been experiencing is completely new to me, so I guess this is right there with it.