Today

I am thoroughly embarrassed. I was out to dinner last night to celebrate a friend's birthday. Near the end of the meal I felt my heart start racing and an overwhelming need to escape from the table. I made my excuses and practically ran from the restaurant, only saying goodbye to 2 or 3 people out of the 12 or so that were there. I barely made it out the door before I became hysterical and started hyperventilating and sobbing. It was one of the worse anxiety attacks that I've experienced since I started having them about 3 months ago. As I walked to my car several people, including a police officer, stopped to ask if I was okay. I was mortified. My anxiety attack spiraled my mood down into the dumps where it stayed for the evening, hence my very emotional and depressing post from last night.

It's funny that now, today, I feel fine. Actually, I feel more than fine. I feel pretty good. I love life and I know I have so much to look forward to. I love my friends, I love the family that I get along with, I love my job. I love having trips and chores and experiences and mundane things to look forward to. Yes life is pretty hard right now, but I know that it will get better, easier and less arduous as time goes on. I know that I have so much to work on in myself, but I am up for that challenge.

My problem is when I descend into despair and heartache, like I did last night, I don't know how to pull myself out of it. Actually there is NOTHING so far that I've tried (barring Xanax) that has helped me. I've tried walks, yoga, deep breathing, watching tv, reading, talking, journaling, crying it out, drinking (Big Mistake every time, by the way) eating, sleeping and everything in between to stop these feelings. And nothing helps. I think on that note it's time to see my doctor again.

I received some emails and phone calls last night from people who were concerned. Thank you so much for reaching out to me. I was concerned too, which I think is why I was calling out for help. Believe me, as awful as it is to hear someone say they are so sad they want to die, it's that much more terrible to be the person who feels that way.

But today is a new day. It seems bright and shiny and full of possibilities and hopes. And I'm looking forward to everything it has to give me, unless of course it's another anxiety attack:)

Happy Thursday all!!

I've Got the Blues

*The opinions and thoughts expressed here are in NO way meant to be taken as medical advice or suggestions. I am in NO way a medical professional and I am NOT offering health advice nor am I qualified to. I am merely sharing my personal story without the intention of causing anyone to self-diagnose or medicate, etc.


So this is probably one of those posts that Sky would cringe at because again I'm "sharing too much". But throughout this entire ordeal I have felt so utterly and completely ALONE and so very misunderstood. And if there is ever anyone who might happen to read this and feel a little less alone, or isolated then over-sharing is totally worth it.

Everyone knows that the last few months have been so hard on me. I'm sure some people look at my Facebook page or status updates and think "Enough already Debbie Downer!". But there is a reason that I haven't been able to shake these blues and the tears and sadness. I was recently told that I am suffering from Depression and Anxiety. This was such a relief to be told that what I'm feeling and going through isn't my failure to readjust, but my body's. For the longest time I wondered why I just couldn't pick myself back up and make myself be happier as I've done in the past with disappointment, failures and heartache. And I've been told by very well meaning family and friends to get over it and move in with my life. But the truth is this isn't something you can just "shake off". This is something that needs attention, time, work and occasionally medication (in my case) in order to make it better and manageable.

So I'm seeing a doctor and a therapist. If you or someone you know is going through this, make sure they seek professional help. This is not something you can diagnose or treat yourself and something you definitely shouldn't ignore. But for some reason I've found that this is such a taboo topic to openly discuss with people. That's why I'm being so forthcoming about everything. I think if I would have know how many people I personally know who suffer from this, I wouldn't have felt so "crazy" or alone or like I was being a wimp who couldn't deal with life.

I know I have a way to go before I feel like I'll be my old self again, but at least I'm on the right path to getting back there. Now I know what's wrong and I can start working toward fixing it. I'm feeling so hopefully about things now, and it will only get better from here!! I can truly feel it:)

More information I found helpful:
The Mayo Clinic
WebMD

If anyone else has dealt with these issues, please feel free to email me or comment. It is so comforting to hear other's stories!!