Love & Happiness

Everything I am feeling these days said much more eloquently than I ever could:

Love is the beauty of the soul.

-St Augustine

Happiness depends upon ourselves.

-Aristotle

In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities.

-Janos Arany

The moments of happiness we enjoy take us by surprise. It is not that we seize them, but that they seize us.

-Ashley Montagu

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

-George Sand

Gratitude is one of the sweet shortcuts to finding peace of mind and happiness inside. No matter what is going on outside of us, there's always something we could be grateful for.

- Barry Neil Kaufman

Love one another and you will be happy; it is as simple and as difficult as that.

-Michael Leunig

What is the meaning of life? To be happy and useful.

- Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama

There is no remedy for love but to love more.

-Henry David Thoreau

No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change.

- Barbara de Angelis

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.

- Robert Heinlein

Growing and Learning

Since Sky and I have been back together, we have talked endlessly about our relationship, our future, our families, our goals, our feelings, the miscarriage, our past... you name it, we've talked about it until we were blue in the face. And that hasn't stopped, and I hope it never does! We both realized that communication is one of the major hurdles in our relationship. It is something that we have been working hard on, and I feel proud to say that our relationship is better than it has ever been. We are both happier now than we've been in some time.

Just this morning Sky said some of the sweetest words I have ever heard come out of his mouth. He told me that we are growing and learning and changing together, and he doesn't want that to stop. It makes me feel so good to know that we both want the best for the other, that we both are committed to this relationship and the other's happiness. There have definitely been rocky, hard times with us. There were times when I had zero faith in the stability and future of our relationship. And I know that he has felt the same. But what matters now is that we have decided to be together and work on making us stronger, healthier and happier. And we are doing it! I am happier and feel more in love with him than I ever have. And the beauty of that is he feels the same way. So here's to growing and learning and changing for the better!

Love at First Sight

I do believe in love at first sight because it has happened to me several times. I know some people think "lust at first sight" is more probable, but that's not what happened in my case. I believe that human sexuality is more fluid than our society gives it credit for. I've always said that I can and do find girls beautiful. I can appreciate an attractive body, a nice smile, or pretty hair. But that doesn't mean I am attracted in a sexual way. So I think I can safely take "lust" off the table when talking about love at first sight.

*It happened to me a handful of years ago. I was visiting a friend in New York City for the week to do some shopping and sight-seeing. A few days into my trip we met some of his friends for wings and beer. So we're sitting in this restaurant laughing away with drinks and appetizers in front of us waiting for the rest of the group to arrive. There were maybe 5 or 6 of us when she walked in. I remember immediately feeling shy as she walked right up to me and introduced herself with a hug, saying she had heard so much about me. And suddenly I was very overwhelmed at her presence; it was all I could do to say hello back. I was blushing furiously and was at a loss for words. I'm hard pressed to find the words to convey even now how I was feeling! I can only describe it as being enthralled by her immensely. I wanted to be near here and hear any and everything she had to say and I wanted her to find me interesting and pretty. But the attraction I felt wasn't a sexual one. It was, however, a very instant and strong one. To this day I remember the feelings clearly, but I can't describe them save for the word "love". Strange, I know!

Another instance happened here in St. John while I was working at Big Planet. If you've never been to the store, it has three levels with the register being on the second floor, so customers have to walk up a stair case to purchase their items. I was behind the counter being my customary silly and talkative self with the customer I was helping. As I was laughing, I noticed a man walking up the stairs with a shirt in his hand. And, as it happened before, my breath caught, my laughter died and I was speechless. I was blushing so fiercely that I felt like a 13 year old with an uncontrollable crush. The man seemed handsome, yet ordinary enough. But his eyes stunned me and I had the strongest feeling that I knew this man, had been with this stranger before, though I am absolutely sure I had never met him. And again, I felt the intense urge to be near him and know him and... And what, I don't know! I remember my co-workers teasing me for my reaction. I was mortified that others were witnessing my obvious astonishment at what I was feeling. I can't recall what we talked about, because we did converse for maybe 10 minutes, but every passing second had me feeling surer and surer that I knew this man. And as the last time, the initial attraction wasn't that of a sensual nature. It was more a feeling of coming home, or recognizing a dear friend or lover after being apart for 20 years.

I'm not even sure describing these encounters as "love at first sight" is appropriate, but I'm not sure how else to characterize it. I do know that this has happened several times in my life. And every time it feels like a shock, then some sort of vague feeling of recognition and then the realization that I feel something very strongly for someone who was a mere stranger moments before. It's such an unsettling feeling when it happens, but also a very delicious, welcoming, warm sense of completion. So odd, but so exhilarating! I wonder what is transpiring when I feel this way. I also wonder if this is something anyone else has experienced... If anyone else has stories of love at first sight I would LOVE to hear about it!!


*I've changed details to protect the privacy of the people in my story.

Love

"Don't be afraid to fall in love. It's the only thing that matters in life. Fall in love with as many things as possible."

Country Strong

Puppy Love

I want a puppy so badly that I've been DREAMING about it!! Recently I had a dream that Sky brought home a sweet little puppy and he climbed right in bed and curled up on one of our pillows. I thought the dream was real so I woke up and put my hand out to pet the puppy and... nothing! Boy was that a huge letdown!!

I'm serious about this puppy business. So my first step is researching what kind of dog is best for my lifestyle. I want something very small, that I can carry around and treat like a little baby! Sad, but true. I also need something that's okay in small spaces, since we live in an apartment. I want a puppy I can be super affectionate with. I also need something that tolerates warm weather, and something that travels well. And I am absolutely against a drooler. I refuse to have a slobbery puppy. Gross!! So I did as many "What Kind of Dog is Right for You" tests as I could find online. I Googled and Wikipediaed and checked out articles on the AKC website and Animal Planet. And I've narrowed it down to five breeds:

Yorkshire Terrier

Miniature Schnauzer 

West Highland White Terrier

Shih-Tzu

Malti-Poo

I have to admit that I am extremely partial to the Yorkie (because I've always wanted one) and the Miniature Schnauzer (because we had them when I was a child) although I would be ecstatic to own any of those precious faces! But what will really be the deciding factor is availability and price. Like virtually everything else I've ever shopped for, it's going to be tricky to find the kind of puppy I want here in the islands. I think it'll come down to finding a reputable breeder that I trust stateside, who also ships to the VI. I have a feeling this will take some time and effort to find!

Any and all tips, comments and suggestions are welcome in my search to find a little puppy on which I can lavish ridiculous amounts of time, love and attention!

Baby Blues

My sweet Blueberry is on my mind. I have cried more in the last two days than I have cried in weeks. I have the Baby Blues, though not in the traditional sense of the phrase.

Did I ever share that I think our Blueberry was a little boy? I often wonder what he would look like. Would he have Sky's eyes? My smile? What would his hair be like? What shade of brown would his soft, baby skin be? What nicknames would we have come up with for him? I used to imagine calling him to come eat his dinner. And picking up bugs. And wrestling with Sky. I think about that little boy all of the time.

"How very softly 

You tiptoed into our world

Almost silently;

Only a moment you stayed.

But what an imprint

Your footprints have left

Upon our hearts."

- Dorothy Ferguson

Happy February!!!

I am in LOVE with February!!!! Why?!

* We get to celebrate my favorite thing in the whole entire world: LOVE!!!! I don't care what anyone says. I love, Love, LOVE Valentine's Day. I love that it's cheesy and dopey and mushy and Hallmarky. I am all about the flowers and chocolates and slow dancing and candle light and sexy red dresses (I own several...) and perfume and kisses and... well you get it:) I love Valentine's Day.

* We get to celebrate something else that's my favorite thing in the whole entire world: ME!!!!! My birthday is on the 23rd (coincidentally my favorite number lol) and this year I am turning the BIG 2-7!!!! Ahhhh!!! My inner 16 year old is screaming in shock because WOW does it feel old to say that I'm 27 out loud!!! Last year I spent my birthday drunk and topless on a boat trip to the BVIs. I wonder what this year has in store for me?...

* I also love February because it's the shortest month of the year. Random, I know.

* Specifically I love this February because even though things have been a bit rough in the last few weeks, I have VERY high hopes for this month coming up. I just know that things are going to get so much better, and very soon!!

I am so full of happiness and love and hope and joy right now!! This is going to be an awesome 28 days!!! I can feel it!!!!

Friday Favorites

Today has been such an amazing, beautiful day, and it's far from over!!! Some of my favorite moments from today:

* Waking up smiling and happy
* Dancing in front of the mirror while I got ready for work
* Spritzing on my favorite perfume
* Getting Sadie kisses and giggles
* Having a picnic at the park with the girls
* Swinging on the swings until my legs were sore
* Singing and laughing in the car with the sun shining and the wind blowing
* Eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
* Talking to one of my favorite people on the phone:)
* Laughing at nothing at all!!

I am having such a wonderful, lovely day!! And I just know that this day has many more beautiful moments for me:)

What are your favorite moments, so far, from today?! I hope everyone else is having an incredible day!!! Happy Friday!!!!

Waiting in Vain

This song has been stuck in my head for weeks... I'm not complaining!!

A Good Friend

Today I lost someone I considered a good friend. With all the loss in my life lately I did not take it lightly. At first I was so angry at what was being said to me and about me, but as the day went on all I felt was sadness and hurt. I'm not sure where we got our signals crossed, or who misunderstood what, but the damage that is done feels irreparable. Maybe we were just too different. Maybe we wanted different things out of the friendship which caused strain and hurt feelings. Maybe we just misunderstood each other. Or maybe what I'm going through in my life at the moment is just too much to expect someone else to go through with me. Completely understandable. Whatever the reason, my heart is hurting tonight. I know I will always think of this friend. They were an amazing friend, who helped me through an extremely rough time in our too short friendship. I hope this isn't the end of our story. But if it is, I will always be grateful and thankful for the time I had.

The Dating Game

Okay. It's been some time, but I guess I'm officially back in the dating game. This doesn't mean that I am actively dating per se, but I've decided that I'm opening myself up to date again. I used to love dating. There was definitely a time where I was on anywhere from 2 to 10 dates in a single week (I think a personal record was 6 dates in one weekend). I was young and having fun and really enjoying myself with lots of different guys and interesting (or not!) conversations and going to new restaurants and bars. What's not to like? You get dressed up, someone tells you how pretty you are, after a few drinks you're both laughing and hopefully enjoying each other's company all the while trying whatever "cool" restaurant happens to be good that week.

But that was then. I felt young and carefree and happy and unencumbered with anything too serious in life. I definitely don't feel any of those things now. I am absolutely not looking for a relationship at all, for a long time. But I don't think it would hurt to take my mind off of things by hanging out, meeting new people and having someone to have fun with. I guess we'll see how this goes. Wish me luck!!!!

Wordless Wednesday

Sometimes I Wonder...

... if I should just travel the world, spend all of my money, have passionate love affairs and forget about the marriage and kid thing. There are many days where a life like this seems tempting, and others where it seems like it would be empty (for me). I wonder when I will know for sure.

I Am Worth More Than That

This post is all in BOLD because I am making a point to myself and whoever else happens to read this.

I do NOT deserve to be called a bitch, a fucking brat or a cunt. I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I do NOT deserve to be pushed or choked. I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I do NOT deserve to be told to "pack my shit" and made to leave my own home in the middle of the night. I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I do NOT deserve to have things thrown at, near me, or around me. I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I do NOT deserve to be screamed at, yelled at, insulted or called names. I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I do NOT deserve to have money, transportation or shelter taken away from me because of how I "behave". I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I do NOT deserve to be told I am "defiant" and "immature" because I don't follow the "rules". I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I do NOT deserve to be INSULTED by someone's family members and expected to "understand and ignore it". I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I do NOT deserve to be threatened with physical harm because I don't understand or disagree with the point being made. I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I do NOT deserve to have my life upended and all of my choices made for me because someone else is "smarter and older and knows best". I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.


I take part of the blame for everything I've gotten and didn't deserve. I understand that you teach people how to treat you and someone can only walk all over you if you let them. BUT I'M DONE LETTING THIS HAPPEN TO ME. IT STOPS TODAY. Because after all, I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT.

Gratitude is the Best Attitude

God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today.  Have you used one to say "thank you?"  ~William A. Ward

If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get.  ~Frank A. Clark

Gratitude is the best attitude.  ~Author Unknown

I'm working on feeling grateful every single day so I can appreciate all the positive and beautiful things in my life and bring even more into it! Today I am grateful for friends and family.

I'm grateful for D who calls to check on me constantly and has been with me through the thick of it. I think she has a 6th sense about when I'm feeling my lowest and calls to listen to me cry and share stories about S  which always cheers me up! Thank you.

I'm grateful for F whose random stories and funny words makes me forget why I'm feeling sad. Thank you.

I'm grateful for B who makes me smile, without fail, every single day. This is something that I need more than I can put into words. Being happy for those few minutes means more to me than he probably knows. Thank you.

I'm grateful to P and P whose tough love and yummy food I just couldn't live without! Thank you.

I'm grateful to E who is one of the very few who actually makes plans with me and keeps them! Without him I would rarely leave the house! Thank you.

I'm grateful to O for giving me a very comfy place to stay and shoulder to cry on when I needed it most. Thank you.

I'm grateful to A for understanding me emotionally like no one else in the world ever has and for always having positive, enlightening things to share with me. Thank you.

I'm grateful to L who follows me around, almost stalkerishly (pretty sure I just made that word up, but I am a Grammar Queen, so yeah) but makes me feel loved and wanted. Funny how such a small thing can do that. Thank you.

I'm grateful for J whose constant invites to hang out are extremely appreciated and needed. And even though I haven't taken her up on them quite yet, I will and very soon! I'm getting there, I promise! Thank you.

There are a million other things I am grateful and thankful for. I try to remind myself to start the day saying thank you for anything and everything I can think of, down to what seems the most insignificant. Once I get going, it's easy to think of more and more to be grateful for. It's something I will try my best to keep up with.

Happy Wednesday all!!

Hugs and Kisses

... make life so much better. I am so grateful for everyone who has shown me these simple, little gestures. They really, really make a world of difference. Would I be here without these small tokens of love and kindness? I think not.

Such a Sweet Day

Sky and I had a much needed day off yesterday, just the two of us. We took the boat out to splash and play and snorkel for a bit. It was a beautiful day out and we had such a sweet time. I'm going to miss my big lovey goofball so much.

Delight of the Day

Sometimes we like to share happy tidbits!! And to even out the Universe I should have (at least!) one good thought for every bad, right? For my first Delight of the Day entry:

Sky is one of the best cooks I've ever met, and hands down one of the best I've ever lived with!! I love when he cooks dinner for us, which is pretty often. He can make even the simplest foods so yummy. He's cooking tonight and I'm so thankful I'm not the one standing in the hot kitchen whipping something up! So my delight of the day is my sweet fiancé cooking dinner for me:)

Beautiful, Wonderful, Amazing News!!!!

Sky and I are so excited to announce that we're expecting our first baby!!!!! Yes, I'm PREGNANT!!!!!! We found out very shortly before we got engaged that we're having a baby. We thought it was a good idea to wait just a bit before we announced it to everyone!!! We are both so full of joy and love for this little one already!!!! My EDD (Estimated Date of Delivery) is May 1st. I'm going to be a May Mommy!!!!! I couldn't be happier or more in love with my life right now:)

Homesick

I guess it takes moving very far away from home to appreciate everything you love (but thought you were over) about it. For some reason it's this time of year, the beginning of fall, that I've always loved being in Atlanta. I used to love unpacking sweaters, day trips to pumpkin patches, watching the leaves turn, camping trips, feeling the air turn crisp in the early morning, watching sweet boys play soccer (Miller & Shea!), and the smells of pumpkin and cinnamon everywhere!! These are the little joys and pleasures that don't come with a never-ending summer.

Please don't get me wrong! I am so blessed to be where I am!! Being on St. John has been an experience that I will never let go of as long as I live. Living in the Virgin Islands is an amazing, fun-filled, beautiful, but often difficult, experience. Somehow I thought life would be simpler, easier, sweeter living near the wide open sea, near breath-taking sandy beaches, in climates that never dropped below 78 degrees.

This may be paradise for some, but I am slowly but surely recognizing that I left behind My Paradise nearly a year ago. The longer I am away the more I appreciate, love and miss my friends, my families, my paradise, my home: Atlanta.