Baby or No Baby?

For some reason, lately, I am really struggling with the decision of whether or not to have children. Let me be clear that I in NO WAY mean anytime soon. I mean in my lifetime. I realistically can't see having children in the next 5 or 6 years, much less right now. I'm not sure why it's on my mind so heavily. Maybe my age has something to do with it? Let me tell you that I no longer believe "ticking biological clock" is a metaphor. I think about babies and children every single day. Some days I know for "certain" that I want kids. And some days you couldn't pay me enough money in the world to get pregnant again. And then again on some days I think maybe adopting or fostering is the path my life will take in the children department. I try not to think about it, but again, it is something that constantly runs through my head on a daily basis.

In saying that, I've come across some interesting reading lately. I have lots of Child-Free friends in a forum that I frequent. They passed on an article about choosing to live a CF lifestyle which is a possibility:
The No Baby Boom

For now I figure I have a good 8 to 10 years before I really have to decide on the whole baby thing. But then again maybe something will happen between now and then to really sway me one way or the other! That still doesn't stop me from thinking about this EVERY SINGLE DAY, but at least I have a cushion of a few years. Until then, an IUD will be my best friend:)

Goodbye

Sky and I lost our baby, our sweet little blueberry. On October 24th, exactly 2 months after we found out we were expecting our little one, we found out that our baby had no heartbeat. This has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. Some people may not understand our grief since we were only 13 weeks into the pregnancy. At times I've even been surprised at the depth of my grief and the force of my tears. But we were so joyful when we found out about this baby. We loved this little guy already. We had hopes and dreams and plans and even a nickname for this little person growing inside of me. When I found out that I was miscarrying my heart and soul felt like it was being ripped apart. I have never felt so broken-hearted or hurt or angry or sad in all my life. My body literally ached from the emotional pain I was in. For the first couple of days I cried almost non stop it seems. I would go to sleep or take a nap and wake up forgetting all about what happen, only to have it hit me in the stomach with full force again. I never in a millions years imagined that this would be the outcome of my pregnancy.

It's hard for me to find much to be thankful about these days. But I am so thankful and grateful for a loving and supportive fiance, even from thousands of miles away. I know I could never get through this without him. And I definitely owe so much to my sister, who took me in, made sure that I ate, held me when I cried, and spent hours with me just letting me talk and helping me to see that some day I will be okay and life will be happy again. Right now my grief is too overwhelming to see that, but I know I'll get there. I just have to take it one day at a time.

Open Book

I'm an open book. I don't think anyone would disagree with that statement. I share, and sometimes over-share, everything about my life. My thoughts, my plans, my decisions or anything that happens to be going on in my life at the moment is pretty much fair game for me to discuss with any and everyone. I'm sure I was born this way. I've always been a talker. And a blurter-out of things. I'd like to think that this can be charming, but it's probably just annoying.

One thing that I should have been more cautious about sharing is my pregnancy. The rule, which is as old as the day is long, is that you should keep mum about expecting until you're in your 2nd trimester. But between Sky and I and our freakishly similar ability to spill a secret in record time, everyone knows about the baby. Facebook helped a little too. And still, I have at least a week and a half until my second trimester. Hindsight is 20/20 but I'm happy we decided to share, even if we aren't out of the woods quite yet.

I know for a fact that I've been over-sharing with the details of being pregnant to my friends. The girls at work regularly hear the words placenta, vagina, breast-feeding, bloated, morning sickness, uterus, and epidural (to name a few) from my mouth too many times a day to count. I'm just so amazed, if not a little grossed out, about everything that happens to your body during pregnancy!! It really is incredible!

We plan on posting and sharing sonogram pictures, the sex of the baby, and even pictures of the nursery after it's decorated! In saying that, we've decided that there is one thing we will keep a secret. Sky and I have decided that the baby's name will be for just the two of us to know until the baby is born.

This is a secret I'm excited to keep!! Happy Monday all!!

Stormy

It's storming outside right now. Like full out thunder, lightning, and raining buckets. I am beyond thrilled that this weather coincided with my day off. Now I have a valid reason not to leave the house! My list of things to do today include:

1. Eat something at least marginally nutritious (hot dogs for breakfast: check!)

2. Read more than 5 pages of my new book, It Sucked and Then I Cried, at one time (it's about motherhood; it's scary)

3. Watch The View

4. Research more baby names (we've vetoed Lucas, Lennox, Ian, Shawn, Hawke and other more awful, unmentionable names)

5. Take at least 2 naps

This will definitely not be the most ambitious or productive day, but a great one nevertheless. Happy October!!

It's Official!!

Sky and I have decided to move back home. We're heading back to Atlanta!!! I am beyond delighted; Sky is (understandably) a little less enthused. While I'm in love with and am used to living in a big city, Sky is pretty much the opposite. He grew up and lived on small islands and small towns pretty much his whole life. So I guess the idea of living in a big, bustling city is a bit overwhelming to him.

I, on the other hand, am so excited for all the things that a big city has to offer us right now! One of the reasons we're moving from the VI is the healthcare. The healthcare here is less than stellar. I had a scare two weeks ago that could have been solved by a simple sonogram. Well, as it turns out, there isn't an ultrasound machine on the island. Or a hospital. Or even a doctor. They, of course, have clinics and nurse practitioners here. But this doesn't give me enough confidence or comfort to go through 9 months of pregnancy, labor, and caring for a newborn. As for Atlanta we wouldn't be more than 15 minutes away from doctors, hospitals and specialists should something go wrong.

Another reason we've decided to make the move is our families. I have never felt a stronger need to be around my family and friends as I feel now. I guess it's something about bringing a little person in the world that makes you want to surround yourself by the familiar and comforting. Besides I think it's perfect that most of my friends back home are moms anyway. And my sister just had a sweet little baby (Happy 2 months Sadie Baby!). There's nothing better than being around people in the same stage of life as you are!!

The last (logical) reason we are moving back is the cost of living. Here's a sample of a few things we pick up at the grocery store each week and their prices here:

Gallon of milk- $6
Loaf of bread- $5
Box of cereal- $7
Frozen pizza- $ 13
Dozen eggs- $3
1/2 Pound of turkey- $6
Bag of chips- $5

I could go on but it's depressing!! On average a trip to the grocery store for 1 1/2 meals (dinner and some leftovers) we spend about $28 to $35. A large majority of our income goes to eating. The rest of life here is pretty expensive too! Gas is about $3.65 a gallon right now. We live in a pretty tiny studio apartment that costs us $750 a month. Pretty much the only thing that's cheap here is liquor, which is no longer a pro for me! All of this on top of the fact that on average jobs here pay 15% to 30% less than in the States. This math does not add up when you're looking to build a life and a family!!

So those are the "real" reasons we're moving back to Atlanta. I feel confident in the fact that we've made this decision based on logic and fact! And that's how I presented it to Sky which is why I think he's fine with it. If he knew some of my PERSONAL reasons for wanting to move back, he would think I'm nuts. I really want to move back so I can decorate the nursery from Target and Pottery Barn. And I really want to start taking prenatal yoga in Piedmont Park. And find a mommy group ITP. And I can't wait to sign up for Music classes, specifically at Toco Hills so I can get Miss Berne. And let's not forget Gymboree!! I want to do all the fun, silly things you can do when you're a mommy!! To me these are just as good as the real reasons I listed above.

Either way, back home we go!! I hope one day he learns to love Atlanta as much as I do, but until then I can love it enough for all 3 of us!!!!

Beautiful, Wonderful, Amazing News!!!!

Sky and I are so excited to announce that we're expecting our first baby!!!!! Yes, I'm PREGNANT!!!!!! We found out very shortly before we got engaged that we're having a baby. We thought it was a good idea to wait just a bit before we announced it to everyone!!! We are both so full of joy and love for this little one already!!!! My EDD (Estimated Date of Delivery) is May 1st. I'm going to be a May Mommy!!!!! I couldn't be happier or more in love with my life right now:)