A Pill for Everything

The amount of medication I'm currently on is weighing on my mind! I'm not against modern medicine at all, but I have always tried to limit how much I take, including anything over the counter. If there's a natural way to fix a health issue I try to go to that first, unless it's serious enough for a doctor's visit. But this last year has seen me take more pills than I'm sure I've taken in the last 10 years combined. I've been on Zoloft for a little over a year now for my depression and anxiety. And while it's working well, one of the side effects is that I'm unable to sleep unless I take something, so that's two Benadryl every evening. Another side effect is headaches, which bother me to the point where I'm also taking OTC pain relief several times a week. And I'm on daily oral contraceptives. This seems like so many pills to swallow every day! I don't know why I bother worrying about it, because they're all medications I need. But it still nags at me in the back of my mind...

Doldrums

A couple of weeks ago I woke up feeling happy. It seemed almost out of the blue. Several weeks of mostly happy, joyful feelings and good days followed.

Earlier this week I woke up feeling a little off, a little blue. I tried to shake it off, shoo it away. Every subsequent day has found me sadder than the last.

I just broke down in tears at the grocery store in front of a lot of people. There I was in line buying my Raisin Bran Crunch and I just started sobbing.

What is wrong with me?! I thought the Zoloft was supposed to stabilize things for me.

I honestly, truly feel that I might be suffering with Bipolar Disorder. When I brought this up with my current doctor, he brushed my concerns off. My mother suffers from Bipolar Disorder. And it's hereditary. Does my quack of a doctor care? Nope.

My emotions have been all over the place this last year. I feel like I'm going crazy. It's one step forward, three steps back with this. It's exhausting. I don't know what to do about it anymore. I'm tired.

 I just want some peace.

Suicide Prevention

This is a link to my friend Brian's page. He is an advocate and supporter of suicide prevention through the organization AFSP (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention). He, this website and the resources I have found through it have all been helpful to me during my struggle with depression and suicide.

If you know of anyone who is struggling, or you're going through this yourself, I encourage you to check out the website. And please pass it on to your friends and family and coworkers. There is still such a stigma surrounding these issues. We need to get this information out and be more willing to talk about it!

Brian Siegel's AFSP Page

Also feel free to email me any thoughts, comments or questions!

Suicide

I feel like I may regret this post sometime in the future, but at this moment I need to get it out. For months now, I have been desperately fighting near-constant thoughts of suicide. These thoughts started right after my miscarriage. Over the last 6 months, they have lessened at times and have become overwhelming at other times, but they have never fully gone away. I am in the midst of the latter right now. Thoughts of dying and death have become a steady train of thought for me. I have seen a doctor and therapist about these thoughts. Just recently my doctor upped my dosage of anti-depressants to help, but so far nothing has come of it.

I've read that the idea of suicide occurs when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. That is where I am right now. I am desperately hurting over my miscarriage, my health issues, my emotional battles with my "family", and so many other things. Right now in my life, I am utterly overwhelmed with pain and grief. I wake up sad every single day. I think constantly of the baby I should be giving birth to in a matter of days. I am still in constant pain from my surgery. I think of the incredible amounts of money I owe from both of those ordeals. I am exhausted by the people , who some would call their "family", who I try to love and open myself up to, only to be shut down and hurt time and again. At this point all my pain seems larger than life. It fills up my body, it pours out my eyes, my mouth, my fingers, my bones, everywhere.

I just want to escape the pain. I want to make it stop. Some days, death seems beautiful and peaceful. It seems like an answer.

But I know it isn't. Sky would not leave for work today until I promised to be alive when he came home. And I will be. I do have to work today, and I don't want to call in. But after work I do believe I will be taking myself to the doctor, yet again, in another attempt to stop feeling the way I'm feeling. Because I have tried and nothing is working.

I hate when people tell me how strong I am. That I can just stop these thoughts. That I can make it through this. But I'm tired of being strong. NOBODY is THAT STRONG. I need help. I can't do this alone anymore. If I could stop these thoughts, I would have a long time ago. I just need a break. I need relief. Where is it?

Struggle

I have been struggling emotionally lately. I have been doing my best to keep busy, be around people, think  positively, stay active and all of the other usual suggestions. I've gone to the doctor on several occasions. As a matter of fact I have another appointment tomorrow. I feel like I'm doing everything "right" and getting nowhere. It makes me feel a little hopeless. It makes me feel like I should just give up and fake my way through it until something gets better. Is that what everyone else does?!

Mental Health

I just got off the phone with the health center here. I have two appointments next week: One with a doctor just as a general check-up and assessment of my symptoms of depression and to re-evaluate my need for medication. I'm not sure how it will go, but I feel tons better since starting on Zoloft. And my anxiety is nearly non-existent! There doesn't seem to be any awful side effects so I'm assuming everything will stay the same with that. I am still having trouble sleeping, so hopefully they will prescribe something new for that since the Trazadone was a huge fail.

The other appointment I made was with a therapist on St Thomas. Now that one I'm a little nervous about. I dread rehashing my story to someone new. But I do think it's important, and necessary, for me to get back into therapy. Cross your fingers for me. Let's hope it all goes well.

The Holidays

I plan on being alone for the holidays this year, which I'm not happy about but I am okay with. I'll be spending Christmas and New Year's alone partly because I'm house-sitting, and partly because I have found myself to be so grumpy and unhappy and very not in the Christmas spirit these days. And while I'm grumpy and unhappy less and less as time passes, I still have really, really low moments. And I know that no one wants to deal with that during what's supposed to be the most joyful time of the year. I'm also still in full on grief mode, especially now. I thought I would be spending these holidays happy and pregnant and full of joy for life ahead of me. And even though I was full of DELUSIONS to think that things would be that way, it doesn't change the fact that I'm mourning my baby and the idea of a happy family and life.

So I've decided to keep my bitterness and grief and anger and sadness to myself. Christmas, New Year's and just about every day in between will find me in my pjs, with a glass of wine in hand, surrounded by books and blankets and movies that have nothing at all to do with love or family or children or the holidays. And no matter how sad and pitiful that sounds, I am going to be okay.

Here's to a happy holiday season to you, and here's to getting through it for me.

I've Got the Blues

*The opinions and thoughts expressed here are in NO way meant to be taken as medical advice or suggestions. I am in NO way a medical professional and I am NOT offering health advice nor am I qualified to. I am merely sharing my personal story without the intention of causing anyone to self-diagnose or medicate, etc.


So this is probably one of those posts that Sky would cringe at because again I'm "sharing too much". But throughout this entire ordeal I have felt so utterly and completely ALONE and so very misunderstood. And if there is ever anyone who might happen to read this and feel a little less alone, or isolated then over-sharing is totally worth it.

Everyone knows that the last few months have been so hard on me. I'm sure some people look at my Facebook page or status updates and think "Enough already Debbie Downer!". But there is a reason that I haven't been able to shake these blues and the tears and sadness. I was recently told that I am suffering from Depression and Anxiety. This was such a relief to be told that what I'm feeling and going through isn't my failure to readjust, but my body's. For the longest time I wondered why I just couldn't pick myself back up and make myself be happier as I've done in the past with disappointment, failures and heartache. And I've been told by very well meaning family and friends to get over it and move in with my life. But the truth is this isn't something you can just "shake off". This is something that needs attention, time, work and occasionally medication (in my case) in order to make it better and manageable.

So I'm seeing a doctor and a therapist. If you or someone you know is going through this, make sure they seek professional help. This is not something you can diagnose or treat yourself and something you definitely shouldn't ignore. But for some reason I've found that this is such a taboo topic to openly discuss with people. That's why I'm being so forthcoming about everything. I think if I would have know how many people I personally know who suffer from this, I wouldn't have felt so "crazy" or alone or like I was being a wimp who couldn't deal with life.

I know I have a way to go before I feel like I'll be my old self again, but at least I'm on the right path to getting back there. Now I know what's wrong and I can start working toward fixing it. I'm feeling so hopefully about things now, and it will only get better from here!! I can truly feel it:)

More information I found helpful:
The Mayo Clinic
WebMD

If anyone else has dealt with these issues, please feel free to email me or comment. It is so comforting to hear other's stories!!