Missing Pieces

I know this is so selfish of me, and I don't like being this way, but it feels like a dagger in my heart every single time I hear about someone being pregnant or giving birth. It literally hurts to hear other's happy baby news. It bothers me that I feel this way. I wonder when, or if, these feelings will ever subside.

I thought making it past my due date would somehow bring me closure. I imagined that it would be a metaphorical door closing on my sadness and grief; I imagined it being left behind for good. It hasn't been that way. Now instead of silently keeping track of how far along in my pregnancy I should be, I'm silently keeping track of how old my baby would be. This pain is heartbreaking and never far from my mind. I'm not sure if anyone, not even Sky, knows how often I think of my Blueberry.

There's a missing piece, a hole in my heart, a chunk of my soul gone. In its place are tears and heartache. Life is so cruel and unfair sometimes. I'm angry and sad that this is something that I'll carry around for the rest of my life.

Baby Blues

My sweet Blueberry is on my mind. I have cried more in the last two days than I have cried in weeks. I have the Baby Blues, though not in the traditional sense of the phrase.

Did I ever share that I think our Blueberry was a little boy? I often wonder what he would look like. Would he have Sky's eyes? My smile? What would his hair be like? What shade of brown would his soft, baby skin be? What nicknames would we have come up with for him? I used to imagine calling him to come eat his dinner. And picking up bugs. And wrestling with Sky. I think about that little boy all of the time.

"How very softly 

You tiptoed into our world

Almost silently;

Only a moment you stayed.

But what an imprint

Your footprints have left

Upon our hearts."

- Dorothy Ferguson

Is It Me?

This weekend I had a falling out with a mom friend that I have know for nearly 5 years. I felt like it came out of left field, and I was stunned and hurt, to say the least, about the things she said about me. She wrote me an email cancelling all babysitting and house sitting dates, without explanation, that we had booked over the next four months. After sending a very short email back stating that I would update my calendar, she wrote back a very long, detailed email explaining why she was "backing off" from me. In it she accused me of being "untrustworthy" and said she felt as if she didn't know who I was as a person, all because of something that happened recently in my private life. I was so hurt and sad and then I was angry! This is someone who, at one time, I had worked extremely closely with.  When I first met her she had two small children. I was more of a mother's helper than a nanny. I would help her around the house and be an extra set of hands however she needed. For a year or so I would be at her house for about 30 hours a week. It was a close working relationship that quickly turned into a friendship.

From a professional viewpoint in my line of work as a nanny, trustworthiness is obviously an enormous asset and not something you would EVER want someone questioning. I have access to people's homes, children, cars and often times, money and valuables. In my 7 years as a nanny and 14 years as a babysitter I have done everything in my power to prove how open, honest and trustworthy I am. Without those qualities, I wouldn't have a job. And if you don't mind me saying my background, experience, and reputation as a nanny is exceptional. I would bet my life on that!

From a personal standpoint I'm the biggest freaking open book you have ever met!! I dare anyone to contradict me on that one. I tell everyone almost everything about me. And if you've spent any amount of time around me you know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and my feelings on my face. And I'm a huge believer in honesty being the best policy. What's untrustworthy sounding about anything I just described?!

This mom is someone I loved, respected, admired and held in high esteem. And up until this past weekend, I thought that she felt the same about me. She has never had a bad or condemning word to say about me, ever. Whenever she spoke of me to her family and friends, it was always in glowing terms. So to read this email from her was devastating and completely shocking. I'm still reeling from it.

But I've been thinking the last few days. This past year has been one where I have lost several dear, true (or so I thought!), loving friends. I am starting to wonder, is it me?

Am I doing something to push people away? Am I treating people poorly or differently than I once was? How does someone go from loving you and being your best champion to discarding you and the friendship you built?

Or maybe these ex-friends and I have outgrown each other? I am vastly different than I was 8 years, 4 years or even a year ago. Do people just grow up and grow apart? Or is this just a life lesson about friendships?

I am truly at a loss with this. Some of the people I have lost in the past year were people I just knew I would be old and gray with. It's shocking to me that things can change so quickly sometimes!

The reason she claimed she felt I was untrustworthy was due to a particular person. And ironically enough, I turned to that specific person in search of comfort from her harsh words and judgments. This didn't happen purposefully, but I do think that I felt this person was one of the few people in my life I felt close enough to put my trust and emotions into.

I know this is supposed to teach me a lesson. Everything happens for a reason, right? At least that's what I believe. But at the moment I have yet to grasp what to learn from someone turning on me after 5 years of close friendship and bonding. I wonder if I will ever know!

Not My Secret...

... but at the same time it is. I found this on http://www.postsecret.com/ . This is something you should NEVER, EVER say to someone grieving any kind of loss. But oh, I heard it a million and one times...

Next time, try a hug. Or an "I'm sorry" will do. I know this seems harsh. But please, please, please don't hurt someone more by trying to say something you think is comforting. It's not.

Self Preservation

This is an interesting theory that my sister came up with: Today I realized a few startling things. It occurred to me that a) I can't even begin to imagine being pregnant or having a baby any time soon, b) I can't even begin to imagine planning a wedding or the thought of being married and c) looking back on the last year of my life seems surreal and almost impossible. I feel pretty nuts thinking and admitting these things to myself, but they are all true. My sister called it self preservation. She thinks this is my mind's way of coping with all of the loss that I've experienced. Am I protecting myself mentally and emotionally by convincing myself that I didn't really want those things and that I wasn't ready for them? Is it my mind's way of starting to heal by making things seem sort of fuzzy and make-believe? I don't know. Everything I've been experiencing is completely new to me, so I guess this is right there with it.

How Do You?

If the people who are supposed to love you more than anything in the world don't, then what?

How do you find comfort in a world where your mother hates and envies you in equal parts?

How do you learn to love yourself when your father has never set eyes on you even after learning of your existence?

How do you keep trusting people after you find yourself in abusive relationships time and time again?

How do you keep your heart open after searching all your life for love and acceptance and failing to find it?

I am a sad, lonely, heart-broken, dysfunctional, screwed up girl.

It's times like this when I wonder if life is even worth living.

It's times like this I wonder if my Zoloft is actually working.

Probably not.

My Sweet Little Blueberry

Baby Blueberry has been on my mind so much this week. I would have been 5 months pregnant on Christmas Day. I know that I shouldn't do this, keep this mental count in my head, but it is impossible not to. My EDD, my LMP and how far along I would be now is etched in stone on my heart. There is no denying that. And even after all I've been through, all I've lost, all the pain and tears and hurt, I will never, ever regret the life of my sweet little baby. This picture was taken very soon after I found out I was pregnant. I will never forget the excitement, fear, love, hope, anxiety and joy I felt at finding out that I had a small life inside of me. There was a time that I couldn't even come close to looking at these photos (I took lots!). But lately it has been a comfort to remember. Which is the reason I share.

You can't tell but there's a little baby in there the size of a blueberry:)

Crazy Girl

I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm hysterical, I'm heart-broken, I'm laughing then crying and this is all before lunch. One minute I love Atlanta, then I want to move half way across the world. Some days I love my job and others it feels almost impossible to be around children. At times I feel like I will never be sad again and at times I feel as if I could literally cry forever. I lose my train of thought very easily, I forget words, food doesn't taste good anymore and I have a love-hate relationship with sleep. I. FEEL. CRAZY.

When will this get better? When will I even out? I still have sad moments every single day. I didn't really have any idea of how this would play out emotionally, physically or mentally but this is certainly not what I expected. Not that I really expected to lose my baby, then my relationship, then my mind, but I didn't expect life to fall apart. And that's what it feels like. I don't feel as if I know who I am anymore.The things I used to like, the activities I used to enjoy, my favorite foods, the small pleasures in life that used to fill up my soul, all my hopes and dreams, everything I knew and loved slipped through my fingers and shattered at my feet. I don't know anything anymore. And I'm not sure how to get it back.

Everyone tells me it will take time, that things will get better, that there's a light at the end of the tunnel and all of the other clichéd phrases that go along with tragedy and sadness. I know that. But what I don't know, and what no one can tell me, is what do I do in the meantime? Yes, the hurt will hurt less in 3 months, 6 months, a year. But what do I do today? What do I do when it's bedtime, and I'm all alone and the tears won't stop and the hurt seems bigger than the entire world? When the simplest comfort a human can have, someone else holding them, is something that I don't have? I don't know the answer to that, and so far neither does anyone else. But I guess the only thing to do is trudge through, one day at a time, and hope the grief doesn't kill me.

A Not So Merry Christmas

This is so much harder than I thought it was going to be!! I am devastated today. I'm sad and lonely and heartbroken all over again.

And I know this is stupid but I am wondering if I should just go back to what is comfortable and what I know, even if it isn't right for me. Is it better to be sad and alone or sad and with someone?

My heart is full of hurt and sadness and loneliness today. Not a good day at all. And I don't want to hear the words Merry Christmas. I know that's bitter, but it's the truth. I don't know what to do.

No New York for This Girl

Alas, I thought for sure that Sky and I winning that wedding in New York was a sign of good things to come amidst all the tragedy that we had endured. Let me share that we are not getting married in New York, nor will we be getting married at all. I'm an open book on many things, and while I have chosen to share this, I am not ready to talk about the details of the split. Life happens. Life goes on.

Bad Day

Today has been a bad day. Not all of it, not the entire day, but in this moment I am full of grief and pain and loss and hurt and it's overwhelming. I don't know how to drag myself out of these feelings when they descend on me. I don't know when, or if, I'll ever feel like my old self again. I feel cursed, punished, singled out for this misery somehow. I just want to stop hurting. I wonder if that day will ever come. But for now I will just lose myself and drown in tears.

Dealing

It has been so hard to deal with the loss of our sweet baby. There is not a day, an hour, or even a minute that goes by that I don't think of the little person I carried in my body for 13 weeks. I have had some major meltdowns in the past few weeks. I've, sadly, gotten very comfortable crying in public and in front of anyone really. My most embarrassing and public episode was in Publix about 10 days or so ago. And these meltdowns are not just tears. They are tears and anger and sometimes screaming and sometimes hyperventilating. So very embarrassing, but true. But better out than in, right? I am trying my best to deal with these crazy mood swings and rampant emotions. They are getting better everyday. Even now, it's been two days since I last cried. This is definitely improvement, as not too long ago I would only go hours between crying. Everyday feels a teeny, tiny bit better. Although some days it's definitely one step forward, five steps back for me. And as much as I hate being back on this island, being with Sky is helping tremendously.

I've been meaning to call a counseling service that my sister provided me a number for. I will absolutely get around to it because I know that I need help. This loss this has hit me hard. I would love to hear about some constructive and concrete ways to deal with my grief and anger. Right now I have little things that make me hurt less about this whole thing. One of them is holding my little niece Sadie. She is such a sweet and happy baby and I found that when I held her I was sweet and happy too. She's like my little shield of light and I think Denise noticed this. Whenever I was sad or lonely or feeling out of place, Denise seemed to feel it and would hand her to me and I instantly felt so much better and happier. Unfortunately my little halo of light and love is in Atlanta and I am here in St John. Another is my sister. She took care of me better than I could have ever hoped for. Just being around her made my heart feel happy. But again, we are thousands of miles apart right now. Another thing I've done, as petty and mean as this seems, was to block any and everyone with baby news from my Facebook feed. I know this is so mean, but I can't see everyone's happiness when I lost my own. One day I will be able to look at other's sonograms and belly pictures, but now is not that time. I just can't do it. It's more painful than I can describe. And of course I pretty much stay away from anything online, in real life or on TV about pregnancy and babies. Which is sort of hard to do! Babies and pregnancy are such a huge part of life that it's everywhere. But again, right now I just can't deal.

I can't wait for the day that I feel like myself! I can't wait to be that happy, carefree girl full of smiles with her whole life ahead of her! I know she's in there somewhere, I just have to coax her out again. In the meantime I'll be waiting not so patiently!

Goodbye

Sky and I lost our baby, our sweet little blueberry. On October 24th, exactly 2 months after we found out we were expecting our little one, we found out that our baby had no heartbeat. This has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. Some people may not understand our grief since we were only 13 weeks into the pregnancy. At times I've even been surprised at the depth of my grief and the force of my tears. But we were so joyful when we found out about this baby. We loved this little guy already. We had hopes and dreams and plans and even a nickname for this little person growing inside of me. When I found out that I was miscarrying my heart and soul felt like it was being ripped apart. I have never felt so broken-hearted or hurt or angry or sad in all my life. My body literally ached from the emotional pain I was in. For the first couple of days I cried almost non stop it seems. I would go to sleep or take a nap and wake up forgetting all about what happen, only to have it hit me in the stomach with full force again. I never in a millions years imagined that this would be the outcome of my pregnancy.

It's hard for me to find much to be thankful about these days. But I am so thankful and grateful for a loving and supportive fiance, even from thousands of miles away. I know I could never get through this without him. And I definitely owe so much to my sister, who took me in, made sure that I ate, held me when I cried, and spent hours with me just letting me talk and helping me to see that some day I will be okay and life will be happy again. Right now my grief is too overwhelming to see that, but I know I'll get there. I just have to take it one day at a time.