Household Hang-Ups

I don't like to clean. Actually that's being too nice about it. I hate to clean. I absolutely despise it. I don't mind putting dishes into the dishwasher (which we don't have), I'm fine with doing laundry, occasionally I like to dust, or even mop the floors with a Swiffer, but I HATE cleaning. I'm great at picking up, organizing (when I feel like it), and straightening. I don't want to sound like I never lift a finger. But I don't like scrubbing anything, dirt grosses me out and I'm just going to be honest: I feel like I have better things to do than clean. Sky doesn't like to clean either. And although he is (self admittedly) a slob, I'm totally okay with the fact that he doesn't like to clean any more than I do! My solution to this problem seems simple enough: I'd like to hire a maid. It's not that expensive here, it helps someone else who needs work (and money!) and both Sky and I are free to spend our time doing whatever we like instead of having to clean! AND it fits easily into our monthly budget. Sounds like a no-brainer right? Well wrong! Sky and I disagree on this subject. I think we should hire a maid, he thinks I should get over my hang-ups and clean. This is not to say that Sky or I won't clean, because we both do. In saying that, I have decided that I am over it. I don't mean to sound bitchy, I'm just done arguing about it and I am done doing something I don't want to do. We have been debating about whether to have a maid for almost two years now. And I think it's ridiculous! I got angry last night and said "When I was single and wanted a maid, all I had to do was call and book a maid! But now I have to argue with someone for two years about having a maid! It's RIDICULOUS!". Then I felt bad about throwing the whole "when I was single" thing in his face. But seriously already!!!! I mean he won't even give me a valid reason as to why he doesn't want one. So we're at a stand-off where the house is concerned. I told him very directly in our most recent conversation that I will work, grocery shop, help with the laundry and take care of the other dozens of things that help run a household, very willingly, happily and with a smile. But I am done cleaning. I am putting my foot down (I can do that, right?). If he wants the house clean, then he can do it, or he can let me hire a maid. It's as simple as that. I figure might as well clear the air and be as honest as possible before we make it official. This is something a lot of couples go through, right?  

Growing and Learning

Since Sky and I have been back together, we have talked endlessly about our relationship, our future, our families, our goals, our feelings, the miscarriage, our past... you name it, we've talked about it until we were blue in the face. And that hasn't stopped, and I hope it never does! We both realized that communication is one of the major hurdles in our relationship. It is something that we have been working hard on, and I feel proud to say that our relationship is better than it has ever been. We are both happier now than we've been in some time.

Just this morning Sky said some of the sweetest words I have ever heard come out of his mouth. He told me that we are growing and learning and changing together, and he doesn't want that to stop. It makes me feel so good to know that we both want the best for the other, that we both are committed to this relationship and the other's happiness. There have definitely been rocky, hard times with us. There were times when I had zero faith in the stability and future of our relationship. And I know that he has felt the same. But what matters now is that we have decided to be together and work on making us stronger, healthier and happier. And we are doing it! I am happier and feel more in love with him than I ever have. And the beauty of that is he feels the same way. So here's to growing and learning and changing for the better!

Family Feud

There is something that's been weighing on my mind since that awful, nightmarish trip to Alaska last year: If you don't get along with your partner's family, can the relationship survive?

Sky's mother is one of the rudest, meanest people I have ever met in my life. I don't like her and she doesn't like me. She made this very clear on several occasions, including yesterday. After receiving the Mother's Day card we sent, she emailed Sky berating him for sending the card. She said she didn't want to have anything to do with me and asked why he couldn't understand that. This is just one of the many hateful, insulting things that she's done or said. Sky's brother is distant and can barely manage to say "Hi" to me, and that's if he decides to acknowledge my presence. And Sky's sister-in-law (his brother's wife) is just, well let's just say we'll never be more than passing strangers and I'm beyond fine with that.

While there is no love lost between me and Sky's family, the situation as a whole devastates me. The idea of a close family has always been important to me. My family is not, nor were they ever, close. I've always dreamed that I would meet and marry someone with a large, tight-knit family that I could be a part of. No such luck here.

The issues with Sky's family have definitely had a negative impact on our relationship. It's something that comes up frequently in arguments. And unfortunately I don't ever see it getting better. I guess the only thing to really do is wait and see how things work out.

Is It Me?

This weekend I had a falling out with a mom friend that I have know for nearly 5 years. I felt like it came out of left field, and I was stunned and hurt, to say the least, about the things she said about me. She wrote me an email cancelling all babysitting and house sitting dates, without explanation, that we had booked over the next four months. After sending a very short email back stating that I would update my calendar, she wrote back a very long, detailed email explaining why she was "backing off" from me. In it she accused me of being "untrustworthy" and said she felt as if she didn't know who I was as a person, all because of something that happened recently in my private life. I was so hurt and sad and then I was angry! This is someone who, at one time, I had worked extremely closely with.  When I first met her she had two small children. I was more of a mother's helper than a nanny. I would help her around the house and be an extra set of hands however she needed. For a year or so I would be at her house for about 30 hours a week. It was a close working relationship that quickly turned into a friendship.

From a professional viewpoint in my line of work as a nanny, trustworthiness is obviously an enormous asset and not something you would EVER want someone questioning. I have access to people's homes, children, cars and often times, money and valuables. In my 7 years as a nanny and 14 years as a babysitter I have done everything in my power to prove how open, honest and trustworthy I am. Without those qualities, I wouldn't have a job. And if you don't mind me saying my background, experience, and reputation as a nanny is exceptional. I would bet my life on that!

From a personal standpoint I'm the biggest freaking open book you have ever met!! I dare anyone to contradict me on that one. I tell everyone almost everything about me. And if you've spent any amount of time around me you know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and my feelings on my face. And I'm a huge believer in honesty being the best policy. What's untrustworthy sounding about anything I just described?!

This mom is someone I loved, respected, admired and held in high esteem. And up until this past weekend, I thought that she felt the same about me. She has never had a bad or condemning word to say about me, ever. Whenever she spoke of me to her family and friends, it was always in glowing terms. So to read this email from her was devastating and completely shocking. I'm still reeling from it.

But I've been thinking the last few days. This past year has been one where I have lost several dear, true (or so I thought!), loving friends. I am starting to wonder, is it me?

Am I doing something to push people away? Am I treating people poorly or differently than I once was? How does someone go from loving you and being your best champion to discarding you and the friendship you built?

Or maybe these ex-friends and I have outgrown each other? I am vastly different than I was 8 years, 4 years or even a year ago. Do people just grow up and grow apart? Or is this just a life lesson about friendships?

I am truly at a loss with this. Some of the people I have lost in the past year were people I just knew I would be old and gray with. It's shocking to me that things can change so quickly sometimes!

The reason she claimed she felt I was untrustworthy was due to a particular person. And ironically enough, I turned to that specific person in search of comfort from her harsh words and judgments. This didn't happen purposefully, but I do think that I felt this person was one of the few people in my life I felt close enough to put my trust and emotions into.

I know this is supposed to teach me a lesson. Everything happens for a reason, right? At least that's what I believe. But at the moment I have yet to grasp what to learn from someone turning on me after 5 years of close friendship and bonding. I wonder if I will ever know!

Out of the Woodwork

Being single again is a funny thing. It really hasn't been that long since I've been unattached, and yet I can't begin to count how many guys, who are aware of what I've gone through, that have been pursuing me. And a surprising number of them are exes. I mean I just ended an engagement, had a miscarriage, and completely turned my life upside down by moving 3,000 miles. How about giving me some breathing room? I would think that this is definitely one situation where it's preferable for the girl to make the first move, no? And unless these guys are just looking for sex, which is entirely possible, who would want to be the first guy to hang out with me after that kind of craziness? Or maybe they are not thinking that far ahead. I'm not really sure what to make of all of these guys coming out of the woodwork. But I must say I am flattered. Although that may end after this blog post:) I don't know. Just thinking aloud and rambling. I think I'm delirious from lack of sleep. So on that note I say Good Night!!

The Dating Game

Okay. It's been some time, but I guess I'm officially back in the dating game. This doesn't mean that I am actively dating per se, but I've decided that I'm opening myself up to date again. I used to love dating. There was definitely a time where I was on anywhere from 2 to 10 dates in a single week (I think a personal record was 6 dates in one weekend). I was young and having fun and really enjoying myself with lots of different guys and interesting (or not!) conversations and going to new restaurants and bars. What's not to like? You get dressed up, someone tells you how pretty you are, after a few drinks you're both laughing and hopefully enjoying each other's company all the while trying whatever "cool" restaurant happens to be good that week.

But that was then. I felt young and carefree and happy and unencumbered with anything too serious in life. I definitely don't feel any of those things now. I am absolutely not looking for a relationship at all, for a long time. But I don't think it would hurt to take my mind off of things by hanging out, meeting new people and having someone to have fun with. I guess we'll see how this goes. Wish me luck!!!!