Dealing

It has been so hard to deal with the loss of our sweet baby. There is not a day, an hour, or even a minute that goes by that I don't think of the little person I carried in my body for 13 weeks. I have had some major meltdowns in the past few weeks. I've, sadly, gotten very comfortable crying in public and in front of anyone really. My most embarrassing and public episode was in Publix about 10 days or so ago. And these meltdowns are not just tears. They are tears and anger and sometimes screaming and sometimes hyperventilating. So very embarrassing, but true. But better out than in, right? I am trying my best to deal with these crazy mood swings and rampant emotions. They are getting better everyday. Even now, it's been two days since I last cried. This is definitely improvement, as not too long ago I would only go hours between crying. Everyday feels a teeny, tiny bit better. Although some days it's definitely one step forward, five steps back for me. And as much as I hate being back on this island, being with Sky is helping tremendously.

I've been meaning to call a counseling service that my sister provided me a number for. I will absolutely get around to it because I know that I need help. This loss this has hit me hard. I would love to hear about some constructive and concrete ways to deal with my grief and anger. Right now I have little things that make me hurt less about this whole thing. One of them is holding my little niece Sadie. She is such a sweet and happy baby and I found that when I held her I was sweet and happy too. She's like my little shield of light and I think Denise noticed this. Whenever I was sad or lonely or feeling out of place, Denise seemed to feel it and would hand her to me and I instantly felt so much better and happier. Unfortunately my little halo of light and love is in Atlanta and I am here in St John. Another is my sister. She took care of me better than I could have ever hoped for. Just being around her made my heart feel happy. But again, we are thousands of miles apart right now. Another thing I've done, as petty and mean as this seems, was to block any and everyone with baby news from my Facebook feed. I know this is so mean, but I can't see everyone's happiness when I lost my own. One day I will be able to look at other's sonograms and belly pictures, but now is not that time. I just can't do it. It's more painful than I can describe. And of course I pretty much stay away from anything online, in real life or on TV about pregnancy and babies. Which is sort of hard to do! Babies and pregnancy are such a huge part of life that it's everywhere. But again, right now I just can't deal.

I can't wait for the day that I feel like myself! I can't wait to be that happy, carefree girl full of smiles with her whole life ahead of her! I know she's in there somewhere, I just have to coax her out again. In the meantime I'll be waiting not so patiently!