Goodbye

Sky and I lost our baby, our sweet little blueberry. On October 24th, exactly 2 months after we found out we were expecting our little one, we found out that our baby had no heartbeat. This has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. Some people may not understand our grief since we were only 13 weeks into the pregnancy. At times I've even been surprised at the depth of my grief and the force of my tears. But we were so joyful when we found out about this baby. We loved this little guy already. We had hopes and dreams and plans and even a nickname for this little person growing inside of me. When I found out that I was miscarrying my heart and soul felt like it was being ripped apart. I have never felt so broken-hearted or hurt or angry or sad in all my life. My body literally ached from the emotional pain I was in. For the first couple of days I cried almost non stop it seems. I would go to sleep or take a nap and wake up forgetting all about what happen, only to have it hit me in the stomach with full force again. I never in a millions years imagined that this would be the outcome of my pregnancy.

It's hard for me to find much to be thankful about these days. But I am so thankful and grateful for a loving and supportive fiance, even from thousands of miles away. I know I could never get through this without him. And I definitely owe so much to my sister, who took me in, made sure that I ate, held me when I cried, and spent hours with me just letting me talk and helping me to see that some day I will be okay and life will be happy again. Right now my grief is too overwhelming to see that, but I know I'll get there. I just have to take it one day at a time.