This weekend I had a falling out with a mom friend that I have know for nearly 5 years. I felt like it came out of left field, and I was stunned and hurt, to say the least, about the things she said about me. She wrote me an email cancelling all babysitting and house sitting dates, without explanation, that we had booked over the next four months. After sending a very short email back stating that I would update my calendar, she wrote back a very long, detailed email explaining why she was "backing off" from me. In it she accused me of being "untrustworthy" and said she felt as if she didn't know who I was as a person, all because of something that happened recently in my private life. I was so hurt and sad and then I was angry! This is someone who, at one time, I had worked extremely closely with. When I first met her she had two small children. I was more of a mother's helper than a nanny. I would help her around the house and be an extra set of hands however she needed. For a year or so I would be at her house for about 30 hours a week. It was a close working relationship that quickly turned into a friendship.
From a professional viewpoint in my line of work as a nanny, trustworthiness is obviously an enormous asset and not something you would EVER want someone questioning. I have access to people's homes, children, cars and often times, money and valuables. In my 7 years as a nanny and 14 years as a babysitter I have done everything in my power to prove how open, honest and trustworthy I am. Without those qualities, I wouldn't have a job. And if you don't mind me saying my background, experience, and reputation as a nanny is exceptional. I would bet my life on that!
From a personal standpoint I'm the biggest freaking open book you have ever met!! I dare anyone to contradict me on that one. I tell everyone almost everything about me. And if you've spent any amount of time around me you know that I wear my heart on my sleeve and my feelings on my face. And I'm a huge believer in honesty being the best policy. What's untrustworthy sounding about anything I just described?!
This mom is someone I loved, respected, admired and held in high esteem. And up until this past weekend, I thought that she felt the same about me. She has never had a bad or condemning word to say about me, ever. Whenever she spoke of me to her family and friends, it was always in glowing terms. So to read this email from her was devastating and completely shocking. I'm still reeling from it.
But I've been thinking the last few days. This past year has been one where I have lost several dear, true (or so I thought!), loving friends. I am starting to wonder, is it me?
Am I doing something to push people away? Am I treating people poorly or differently than I once was? How does someone go from loving you and being your best champion to discarding you and the friendship you built?
Or maybe these ex-friends and I have outgrown each other? I am vastly different than I was 8 years, 4 years or even a year ago. Do people just grow up and grow apart? Or is this just a life lesson about friendships?
I am truly at a loss with this. Some of the people I have lost in the past year were people I just knew I would be old and gray with. It's shocking to me that things can change so quickly sometimes!
The reason she claimed she felt I was untrustworthy was due to a particular person. And ironically enough, I turned to that specific person in search of comfort from her harsh words and judgments. This didn't happen purposefully, but I do think that I felt this person was one of the few people in my life I felt close enough to put my trust and emotions into.
I know this is supposed to teach me a lesson. Everything happens for a reason, right? At least that's what I believe. But at the moment I have yet to grasp what to learn from someone turning on me after 5 years of close friendship and bonding. I wonder if I will ever know!
Many times people lash out because they see something in themselves that they don't like. Instead of change what they don't like in themselves its easier to lash out at others. I know you are hurt right now from this, but your right you ARE a open book.....that's not a bad thing :)
ReplyDeleteI meant to ask if you are taking on any new babysitting clients, we are looking for a sitter for Syriana, here and there, for date nights.
Andrea
Ditto Adnrea's comment. Something similar happened to me about a year ago and it felt like the biggest slap in the face and left me questioning everything about myself. That one person cut me off from my entire social circle, and I'm still trying to rebuild my network of friends. Find positive sources to fill the cuts she made and if you ever need more nanny/ sitting work let me know. I'd be more than willing to recommend you to everyone I know with kids.
ReplyDeleteI can see how that would be hurtful. I have had several years now of figuring out my friendships in life. I spent a long time trying to force friendships that were not good for me, and it was really freeing to let those go. Hard for a few weeks, and then healing.
ReplyDeleteBut to lose someone you really care about and didn't see anything negative coming from has to be a tough thing to deal with, and I feel for you. :(
So I'm trying to figure out the best way to say what I want to say without being cliche (which i know u looooovvvee lol) and I figured this would sum it up....I completely agree with Andrea...."If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best." (Marilyn Monroe)...and keep positive, non-judgmental people in your circle. If someone is willing to judge your character and work ethic on a person you are social with instead of your 5 years experience with them, how much of a friend were they to begin with? It's gonna suck a lot but if you put yourself in a positive environment with good friends or a good book, wine and candles it will suck a lot less :-) love ya <3
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