I feel like I may regret this post sometime in the future, but at this moment I need to get it out. For months now, I have been desperately fighting near-constant thoughts of suicide. These thoughts started right after my miscarriage. Over the last 6 months, they have lessened at times and have become overwhelming at other times, but they have never fully gone away. I am in the midst of the latter right now. Thoughts of dying and death have become a steady train of thought for me. I have seen a doctor and therapist about these thoughts. Just recently my doctor upped my dosage of anti-depressants to help, but so far nothing has come of it.
I've read that the idea of suicide occurs when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. That is where I am right now. I am desperately hurting over my miscarriage, my health issues, my emotional battles with my "family", and so many other things. Right now in my life, I am utterly overwhelmed with pain and grief. I wake up sad every single day. I think constantly of the baby I should be giving birth to in a matter of days. I am still in constant pain from my surgery. I think of the incredible amounts of money I owe from both of those ordeals. I am exhausted by the people , who some would call their "family", who I try to love and open myself up to, only to be shut down and hurt time and again. At this point all my pain seems larger than life. It fills up my body, it pours out my eyes, my mouth, my fingers, my bones, everywhere.
I just want to escape the pain. I want to make it stop. Some days, death seems beautiful and peaceful. It seems like an answer.
But I know it isn't. Sky would not leave for work today until I promised to be alive when he came home. And I will be. I do have to work today, and I don't want to call in. But after work I do believe I will be taking myself to the doctor, yet again, in another attempt to stop feeling the way I'm feeling. Because I have tried and nothing is working.
I hate when people tell me how strong I am. That I can just stop these thoughts. That I can make it through this. But I'm tired of being strong. NOBODY is THAT STRONG. I need help. I can't do this alone anymore. If I could stop these thoughts, I would have a long time ago. I just need a break. I need relief. Where is it?
Wow Kourtnie, my heart aches for you. I am sure your Dr has told you that these thoughts are related to the miscarraige and the hormones that quickly spiked and then bottomed out. I know after my miscarraige years ago, I felt much like this. I know it doesn't help at this moment in time, but it does get better.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing all the right things, seeing your Dr, talking to a therapist, taking your meds.
Just know that you ARE normal, and what you are going through is a normal response to the things that took place in your life.
I think it's wonderful that Sky made you promise him that.....I remember back when I was dealing with things my therapist told me to make that promise to someone every single day.....and then one day you won't need to make the promise to anyone but yourself :)
Andrea (it won't let me log in for some reason)
It is so good that you are getting help! I have been in a similar place, without even having gone through as much as you have had to go through in the past year. I am likely only here today because -I- had someone to make me promise to stay, when I was hurting the worst, so I am so glad that you have Skye right now. Keep doing what you're doing and hang in there! Stay as open as you can with Skye and your Dr. I know that spending some time outside every day on even a brief walk can help ward of the worst, sometimes, but the most important thing is keeping communication open and using your support system as much as you need it. *hugs*
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